This guy described himself in his very short profile as a jock. And boy did he live up to the stereotype. I don't normally quote from these guys' profiles, but in this case, it only reinforces that how he wrote to me really is how he is. Apparently. 

From the profile: "Single male that is open an very blunt kind of person. Dom kinda guy for the same sex and it's an turn on when the females can express with she wants in the bedroom . I'm open for new adventures but not always willing to try new things ." 

He does list himself as bisexual, but that barely helps with that word salad. He also calls himself a Master. Of what? I have no idea. Oh, and he had a local special interest group listed which gave me a little hope. Unfortunately, that hope was unfounded.

On with the convo: 
Jock: love ur profile hun. very much intrested in meeting u . love the age and ur body its and dream come true to meet u
Me: Not your hun. But going to local events is a great way to meet people in person. I'm at them pretty regularly.
Jock: just like this site is great to meet ppl. i am not try to do what are in ur pics. plain hang out an maybe listen to music or an movie. or even sitting on my face would make my decade. i never seen an women of ur calibur before
(I stared at this for several minutes. How exactly does one go from 'let's watch a movie' to 'maybe you'll sit on my face'?
Me: I prefer events and not being asked to sit on someone's face in a second message.
Jock: yes but its best to be blunt an honest then beat around the bush or other things that humans do wrong. and where on an site that we talk like that an things happen like that. my bad if i mad u upset
Me: Not upset. But kink site or not, you need to talk to people like you would anywhere else. I'm still a person, not a fetish dispenser. With a profile that goes beyond pretty pictures. You could have brought up anything on there.

Apparently, it wasn't as fun when I was the one being blunt. And I don't think that was even rude. I could have been so much harder on him. Ah well. 

Just when I think the well is running dry, I get a spate of new messages on that black and red site. This kid though. Holy wow. I'm going to blame the fact that he was young. Like young enough to be my spawn young. Blank profile, no pictures, nothing. But he did think he was a dom. Which was super cute. I'll call him YoungDom or YD. Settle in. This started in a morning and just sort of kept going until it didn't.

YD: Hey sexy
Me: Hello.
YD: Will you snap me
Me: Like with a rubber band?
(yes, I knew what he meant, but this was more fun)
YD: Like in snapchat
Me: Why would I do that?
YD: Why not babe
Me: That's not a reason to download an app I don't even have and message someone I don't know. Especially someone with a blank profile.And I am not your babe.
YD: You'll see who I am on there.
Me: Why not here?
YD: I'm not on here often
Me: And yet, here you are.
Me again: And I'm never on Snap.
YD: Please sweety. Like I'm fixin to go to work and wont be able to be on here
Me: I am also not your sweety. And your work situation is not my problem.
YD: I call everyone sweety. Come on
Me: Not everyone consents to pet names - I am one of those people.And you're being pushy and rude.
YD: What would you like me to call you
Me: I mean, my username is a name. Also, there's not really any reason for you to call me anything.
YD: I just call everyone sweety
Me: Repeating that over and over doesn't make it okay. I'm not sure what part of that is confusing.
YD: I know I'm just telling you
Me: You've told me three times.
YD: Wryd
Me: I don't know what that means.
(yes, I could have googled it, and I had by the time he wrote back. But I'm so used to the simpler "wyd" that I wasn't sure)
YD: What are you doing
Me: I'm trying to work. I thought you were supposed to be leaving soon.
YD: In a couple minutes

(hours later, early evening)

YD: Hey beautiful
Me: Hello.
YD: What's up
Me: Not a lot. You?
YD: Just got home

And that was it. No further attempts to be interesting or ask me anything that would require him to read my profile. And nothing since. Which is probably for the best. He would have bored me to death.

This "woman" showed up in my inbox and I only put that in quotes because she put in as little effort as any man. Her profile had very little on it and, despite all the pictures of "her", I find this all very sus. And she had somewhere around 1,000 friends, with more followers/people she was following - hence the friend collector comment from me. See for yourself.

Her: Hey hun ur pretty
Me:Thank you.
Her: Can we be friends hun
Me: Why? I'm not your hun.
Her: You seem like a good person love
Me: I like to think so. But I greatly dislike pet names, and I'm not interested in collecting friends. I friend people I've met in person or otherwise know on some level.
Her: Forgive me for my stupid words. Can I get to know you ?
Me: Go for it - there's plenty of topic ideas on my profile.
Her: I will

Aand...crickets. So much for wanting to get to know me, eh?

If you've been reading this blog lately, you know I get a lot of private/direct messages on other sites. I used to ignore most of them, but anymore, I like to play. I like to try to figure out what made someone who is so clearly not someone I want to be with think they had a chance. 

I'm not saying this because I think I'm particularly special or to put myself above anyone else. I just want basic respect and a modicum of effort put into these messages. 

And that, apparently, is where I have set unrealistic expectations. 

I'm not only talking about the men who barge into my inbox, dick in hand, with a "hey hru" or "ur hot". I mean the ones who can't read through a detailed profile and come up with any topic to discuss other than the boobs in the pretty pictures. 

I have a lengthy and detailed profile on one site that asks the reader to answer a specific question if they decide to message me - what was the last movie they saw in theaters. I had to ask one guy three times, in three different ways, to read that far. And then his answer was nonsensical. Another guy said, "that Matrix movie with the word I can't spell."

Resurrections?

"Yeah, that one."

Now, I don't want to shame anyone for not being a good speller or for not having perfect grammar. I'm not that elitist. And yet... why not just look it up and copy and paste? Why not just say "the last Matrix movie"? Like, why tell on yourself that hard and admit that you don't put effort into even the smallest things? Because if you can't do something that basic, I hate to see what sort of effort you put into relationships. 

And this doesn't count the myriad of people - also mostly men - who have little to nothing on their profile and advise that you should "ask them anything." Nope. If you can't put in any work at all, why should I? Again, I don't need a huge amount of detail. A little about you is fine - hobbies, favorite movies, favorite kinks, what you're looking for. Anything. Just give me something to go on. 

Or don't. I don't need any of these guys. But I know they're all scurrying back to their mom's basement or wherever with no understanding as to why they're single or no one is answering their scattershot messages. And I'm here to say it's definitely on them, not me. And not any of the other women they claim to want to communicate with.

Black and red site. This dude was 40 years old, on the other side of the world, and his profile was very sparse. Basically a lot of "I spent time on that fetish list, don't waste my time if you won't even read it" kind of thing. And none of it matched anything on mine.

And yet, I get this: 

Him: hi there...i saw your profile and i find you very intriguing, so i was curious to know if you would like to talk :)
how are you by the way?

Me: I checked your profile and fetish list, and I'm not sure we have much in common. What intrigued you about my profile?

Him: nevermind, i don't like to bother uninterested people.good luck on here and farewell

Me: I'm just curious what made you think I would be interested and what made you write me in the first place. You want someone who will bother to read your fetish list but you don't seem to have read mine.

Him: Think what you want.farewell

...

Wow, my dude. Talk about fragile!

Once again, from the black and red site. Not sure what any of this has to do with being open-minded let alone anything actually on my profile. Their user name included the title of Dr so that's what I'm calling them - 

Dr: Hello! How are you doing? How much experience do you have doing blood pressures? How open minded are you? Dr. Pop may have plans for you...

Me: I have no experience doing blood pressures, nor do I have any interest. I am very open minded, but medical play isn't really my thing.

Dr: Do you enjoy getting a man all blown up on your voice?

Me: Not really.

And...blocked. Apparently, I was too close minded for them.

Today's contribution from that black and red site comes from Dolly, a lesbian. A lesbian who is quite clear about her orientation in her profile and yet...dumbasses persist.

Dumbass: Can crush your profile is very interested would like to know a little more about you if you want to chat
dolly: What? Do you mean you are interested in chatting with me?
Dumbass: Yes very interested in chatting with you
dolly: Chatting about what?
Dumbass: About what pleasures you like and interests
dolly: You can glean a lot of that from the front page of my profile. Then you can ask more in depth questions about what you are really interested in knowing more about.
Dumbass: Do you ever have the urge as a lesbian to take it out pegging an older male?you?as a lesbian couple?or watching?just curious how the lesbian mind thinks towards the male species
dolly: Nope. Not at all interested. I do not like men. I DO NOT want to have sex with men in ANY fashion. I DO NOT want to watch men have sex in ANY fashion. And men like you make me like men even less because you STILL think I'm a fetish dispenser for you.
Fuck off.
Dumbass (several days later): I was just asking the question not to join.thats where your misinformed.wanted to know from a lesbian point of mind not for you to be short minded over a question.big difference from a male being a jerk.i accept your apology have a nice day
dolly: I have nothing to apologize for. You'll get pretty much the same answers from other lesbians. Have fun with that!
And blocked.
...
UGH!! Why is the very idea that some women have zero interest in men so confusing? They're so fragile...

Another one from the Black and Red site. Dude's first message confused me more than anything. It didn't get better.

Him: Oh please
Me: What do you mean?
Him: I would like to get to know u better.I thought ur profile said u weren't looking tho
(As if by answering, I might be interested? I already don't think he knows how conversations work)
Me: What do you want to know? My profile does indeed have a lot of info, unlike yours, so feel free to ask questions or discuss something else there
Him: I think you're attractive and curious about fisting. I'd like to be a companion
Me: Without knowing anything a out you except you're clearly a boob guy?I need more conversation, maybe come to an event or try to actually talk to me before proposing such a thing.
Him: What makes you think I'm a boob guy? LolDo u have Snapchat
Me: It's literally the only thing on your profile.And no, I don't have Snapchat.
Him: That just seems to happen naturally though.You seem very sweet;)
Me: Tits are literally your only listed fetish. That's something you had to enter.But if this is how you make conversation, I'm done.
Him: And anal 😜Nice chatting
(Upon checking, again, he did indeed have "curious about: anal" But his only fetish was literally "titties" and there was nothing on his profile but loving and commenting on a ton of pictures and stating he was there "for fun.")
Me: This is not chatting. Please do better in the future and try to have actual conversations.
Him: I will!And try to be less sweet in the future 😉
...

I ... I cannot. Y'all. I know there are good men out there - please come get these guys.

From Instagram. User's initials was KW. This also gets a little long. 
...
KW - Hello

Me - Hi

KW - nice to meet you here Love your pics and you look gorgeous

Me - Thank you.

That's where this convo ends. But he immediately starts writing me from a different account. This exchange follows....

KW - Hello

Me - Hello again

KW - nice to meet you here Love your pics and you look gorgeous

Me - Okay, bot

KW - How are you doing
So where are you from

Me - I'm okay. Why do you want to know where I am?

KW - Can we be friends

Me - Why?

KW - Nothing just friends
I live alone I lost my father and my mother so just need a lift

Me - Do better, bot

KW - Okay

KW - Replied to you
Can we be friends
?

Me - Where's your server?

KW - I do not have anyone

Me - Someone programmed you

KW - No
Do you know the person

Me - I know lots of people.

KW - Then send me one of the pics

Me - I don't send pics to bots

KW - Yh

Me - ??

KW - ??

Me - What's yh in English?

KW - My name is (original username) and you

Me - What does yh mean?
My name is my profile

KW - Amazing why do you want to send the pics

Me - I don't want to send pics. Especially not to bots

KW - Ok can we chat in WhatsApp

Me - Nope

KW - Which country are you from

Me - Why?

KW - I want to know the country are you from

Me - You still haven't answered my question about yh

(he proceeds to try to video chat with me five different times. I ignore all of them)

KW - Why are you not picking the call

Me - Why should i?
You won't even answer my question

KW - Yh
Is me that is nothing

Me - Is yh bot for ken walle?

KW - Replied to you
Is yh bot for ken walle?
Yes😂😂
😀

Me - It's been fun, bot, but I have better things to do.

KW - Alright

(he again proceeds to send me six requests for a video chat. I again ignore each request)

KW - Hi

Me - Hi again bot
You are a very pushy bot

KW - I'm so sorry for calling you

Me - Was it an accident?

KW - Yes

Me - Three times in a row? Five times total?

KW - Thanks for understanding

Me - Yeah, I'm done.

KW - Okay

Me - Blocking you now.

KW - Okay

My favorite part was literally getting this thing to admit to being a bot. Made my day.

Another one from Instagram. This one follows a familiar pattern. Seriously, I could write the script by now. This time, I decided to play a little. DS are the initials of the user who contacted me.
...
DS - Hello

Me - Hey

DS - Where are you from?

Me - Why so you want to know?

DS - Want to be friends and get to know you better hope you don’t mind?

Me - My profile is public. Feel free to follow me and pick a topic from my bio/posts

DS - I see

Me - What do you see?

Aaandd...crickets. Apparently, he didn't like what he saw after all!