It's pride month so I've been seeing t-shirts and other merchandise with the word "human" on them. Sometimes, the letters are in simple rainbow colors. Other times, each letter is a different flag under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. 

I started seeing these a few years ago, and they've never set well with me. I mentioned this to a friend the other day and they agreed, stating "they're very much like saying 'I don't see color.'" And this, in a nutshell, is precisely my problem with these designs. 

Yes, we're all human beings. But acknowledging that is the very baseline of respect that we can be afforded. It does not acknowledge the vastly different experiences and needs within the LGBTQ+ community.

As a cisgender woman, I'm never going to be questioned when using a public restroom or changing room. Finding clothing that fits is reasonably easy and, again, no one questions that I should be in women's clothing.

Further, as a white woman, I've never been followed around a department store or suspected of theft simply by existing. And my ethnicity is far less likely to be fetishized or seen as "exotic." 

That's my privilege. So while being a queer woman carries its own disadvantages and systems of oppression, I don't face the same challenges as so many others. Being a member of one marginalized community is bad enough. When you are part of several, the challenges are compounded. Addressing how these needs intersect is vital.

To ignore such differences is to ignore what it means to be inclusive. I know there are those who will say that doing so is, in itself, bigoted, racist, or divisive. But how can we meet everyone's needs if we don't listen to what those needs are? Or even acknowledge that they exist in the first place?

To be a true ally is to be intersectional and learn how to accommodate everyone.

First of all, it is not okay that it has been almost 20 years since the movie Secretary was released. How is it possible that 2002 was that long ago?

Now that we all feel old, let’s take a look at this film that shaped so many kinky lives.

Background
Despite being a child of the 80s and early 90s, James Spader wasn’t on my radar until well after I was an adult. I knew who he was. I even have an inexplicable memory of watching Sex, Lies, and Videotape with my parents as a teen. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?
 
But for some reason, he simply didn’t stand out until I came across him one random night on the Sci-Fi Channel. The movie was Supernova and suddenly, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I don’t remember much else about the movie, other than he and Angela Bassett had a surprising amount of chemistry, but I do remember going in search of his other films.
 
First, I went to my best friend, a fellow 80s child. “Watch Secretary and Less Than Zero – you will need a cigarette after,” she told me. And she was not wrong.
 
I’d heard of Secretary but didn’t know much about it. At the time, I subscribed to Premier Magazine, and I remember one of the headlines being, “Spader Does Another Weird Sex Movie.” I’m not kidding – I looked it up recently, sure I had to be remembering it wrong. I wasn’t.
 
So there I was – 2005, maybe early 2006, watching a man bend a grown woman over a desk and spank her. The result was a lot of conflicting emotions, and the only thing I was sure of was that I wanted that to be me.  
 
I just wasn’t quite ready to admit it to anyone.
 
Criticisms
The main criticism I’ve seen for this film is that it equates being kinky to having a mental illness. We literally meet Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character right as she’s being released from a mental institution because she has been self-harming.
 
Spader’s character has his own issues. He has clearly attempted this spanking routine on other women who have worked for him, and let’s just say it has not gone well. One of them has likely sued him over this as she comes in later demanding that he “sign the settlement.”
 
For people who had come to terms with their kinks before watching this, who had maybe been around the public scene for a while, I can understand where such criticisms come from. If I watched it for the first time now, I might have a similar response.
 
Seems like every police procedural has at least one episode where the killer turns out to be kinky. Those kinks are portrayed as a motivating force behind the murder. Clearly, such deviant and aberrant behavior should have been scrutinized sooner. Criminal Minds, especially, was always labeling unsubs as “sexual sadists.” Like that’s a bad thing.
 
It gets old fast.
 
But I recently rewatched Secretary, and there’s more to unpack than I had previously noted. Far too much to address here, but I will do my best.
 
Everyone is Damaged
There are no healthy coping mechanisms in this film except for kink. It takes most of the film for that to become clear, however, so let’s start at the beginning.
 
As noted, Lee Holloway (Gyllenhaal) self-harms. Despite whatever amount of time she has spent in therapy at the institution, she goes right back to it once she’s home. But she’s far from alone in her destructive behavior.
 
Her father is a violent alcoholic. Her mother has been the victim of his outbursts for who knows how long. And her sister, despite getting married in an opening scene, is still going to live at home (in the pool house in the backyard, apparently).
 
Lee’s bedroom is an escape. It’s frilly and girly and even a bit childish. But there are bright colors, ruffles, and glitter. Even her self-harm kit is decorated with stickers. Her age is unclear, but there are plenty of references to high school, as if it hasn’t been that long. I’m guessing she’s supposed to be around 20.
 
And yet, she’s never had a job. She doesn’t drive. She barely knows how to dress or do her hair. The only thing she is confident about is her ability to hide her scars and keep her activities private. She was only institutionalized because her mother caught her one time out of many years of practice. But the fact that she was attempting such behavior while doing dishes with her mother says a lot about her abilities – and her mother’s obliviousness.
 
Enter E. Edward Grey (Spader). What the hell kind of law does he practice? And how on earth does he ever get any work done with zero technology? Also, why does he have a “Secretary Wanted” sign outside that looks like a Vacancy sign outside a motel? The office also has a rodent problem, apparently. And he has plenty of time to tend to his orchids.
 
I’ve worked in my share of law offices. This is all weird.
 
And the red flags start immediately. Does Lee have an appointment for this interview? Why doesn’t he greet her out front? Why is she left standing the entire time? I would have likely walked out as soon as I couldn’t find the person who was supposed to be interviewing me. Or he asked me to make coffee – as part of the interview. Just … no.
 
But I’m not a naïve young woman trying to get her first job either.
 
Fixing What Needs Fixed
Before long, Mr. Grey begins to work on Lee’s confidence. And I don’t think it’s entirely so he can bring her back down later during his humiliation play. He addresses her “sewing kit” (funny how quickly he picks up on that, isn’t it?) and is even able to explain why she does it in a way that makes sense to her.
 
This is one of my favorite scenes in the film.
 
“Is it that sometimes the pain inside has to come to the surface and when you see evidence of the pain inside, you finally know you’re really here? Then, when you watch the wound heal, it’s comforting. Isn’t it?”
 
This is still one of the better explanations I’ve seen for being a masochist.
 
Afterwards, he sends her on a walk home. Alone. Without her mother who has literally been seen to wait in the car all day for her daughter. It may not seem like much to most of us, but it is something she accomplishes on her own, with no help from anyone else.
 
He also tells her – orders her even – to never cut herself again, as if that’s all it’s going to take. It’s not. But let’s face it, this is basically a fairy tale, so we don’t really have time for real therapy here.
 
Not long after this, the spankings begin. But we’ve already seen her confidence grow. She has started to dress like an adult. Her hair looks more professional and grown up. It’s not just the kink – it’s having someone truly believe in her.
 
Choices
We proceed to watch Lee continually choose to go back to Mr. Grey. There’s a difficult evening where she chooses to go to his house rather than harm herself. She can’t get the words out to tell him what she wants, but it’s clear. She’s looking for him to hurt her.
 
Later, she tries to convince him that she really does want to stay on and work for him. He’s the one ashamed of what they’ve done, not her. In fact, there’s a lot of shame in him over what he wants, and we see that over and over again too.
 
So she looks for other outlets. She seeks out other partners and apparently learns boundaries (there’s a guy who tries to pinch and squeeze her nipples before they even get to his car, and it’s pretty clear there is no second date). It’s a quick, montage-like scene of her figuring out what she wants.
 
And she does it on her own.
 
Further, I submit that the guy who asks her to tie him to a gas stove and throw tomatoes at him is one of the healthiest people in this film. He’s not ashamed of what he wants, he obviously knows how to ask for it, and it appears to work for him. The film doesn’t even seem to imply he’s wrong, just that the specifics are a little unusual. I say good for him.
 
Anyway, Lee runs back to Mr. Grey only after she has tried other methods of meeting her needs. Now she knows what she wants too. She’s confident in her desires, and when her fiancée asks why she won’t stop?
 
“Because I don’t want to.”
 
There is no longer any doubt or fear in her. She knows herself.
 
And the people who try to come to her aid? They all think they understand, that they’ve figured out what’s really going on, but they are all wrong. They all miss the mark. They’ve all taken one aspect of her behavior and tried to make that the whole of who she is. I love that her mother brings her peas, by the way. As if the peas themselves were ever significant.
 
At various times, I have been both Lee and Mr. Grey. I remember taking part in questionable and/or dangerous activities because I didn’t know any better. I remember when all this was new, and the sensations were exciting and weird and overwhelming. But I also remember a great deal of shame associated with my desires. I knew what I wanted long before I entered the kink community, but constantly felt like I had to hide or suppress them.
 
So you can see this film as just one more example of “kink portrayed as a mental illness,” but I get it. I identify with these people. And it is far more complicated than that.
 
That Ending
Like any good fairy tale, Secretary ends with our main characters living their best life together. He washes her hair, listens to her describe her scars, and then celebrates her body.
 
I find it all beautiful, erotic, and sensual.
 
The film finishes with Mr. Grey driving off for work and Lee sitting on their front porch. She stares directly into the camera. Despite some previous voiceover, she seems to address the audience for the first time. And she does it without a word.
 
I dare you, her expression says. I dare you to examine this and find the flaw.
 
This is not a perfect film. It probably shouldn’t be one’s introduction to kink. And yet, there is so much that it gets right. So if you’ve dismissed it before, maybe it’s time to revisit it. Look beyond the surface, beyond the spankings and the pony play.
 
Because my actual favorite part?
 
Kink isn’t treated as something that needs “fixed.” Instead, our happy couple learns to embrace their kinks and find healthier outlets for their desires. Kink can be beautiful and liberating and in the end, that’s exactly how it is portrayed. 

The Myth –
Kink parties and get togethers are very unwelcoming to newcomers. No one talks to new people – they just stick to the people they already know. How is anyone supposed to break through the barrier when there are so many cliques?
 
The Short Truth –
Kink groups aren’t so different than any other special interest group. It takes time to establish yourself and find your place.
 
The Longer Truth –
Kink encompasses a wide array of activities. People are naturally going to gravitate to others with similar interests. What looks like cliques could be the rope enthusiasts hanging out in one area, while people interested in D/s relationships hang out in another, and leadership is somewhere else entirely trying to plan the next month’s activities.
 
If you’re a gamer, think of it role players hanging out separately from video gamers hanging out separately from board gamers. It’s not so different. And you’re likely to see those groups at any kink event as well (seriously, kinksters are huge nerds and I say that as a nerd who loves nerds).
 
There may be other dynamics at play too. People have histories with each other. Depending on how often the group meets, this may be the only chance people have to see some of their kinky friends. The group I attend held several events a month in the before times, but not everyone goes to every event. So there are people I might not see for weeks and when I do, I want to spend time with them and catch up.
 
Which leads to my first point.
 
Attend More Than Once
People are busy. Well, we used to be. Between families, jobs, other social activities, most people don’t have time to go to every kink event offered. My group holds a minimum of two weekend parties a month. Then there’s usually at least one special interest group that holds their own party. Plus munches during the week.
 
It’s a lot.
 
Therefore, every event is going to have at least a slightly different mix of people. And sometimes, it’s just an off night. Not every party is going to be high energy. Everyone is dealing with life outside, or the group as a whole may be going through a rough time.
 
As an introvert, I’ve been to plenty of parties where all I wanted was to stick to my own little group of friends. Maybe it was a rough week at work. Maybe I have a specific scene planned and I’m mentally preparing for that. I try to be friendly to everyone, but I know I often fail.
 
Further, there is so much in kink that revolves around trust. And I’m not just talking about relationships or topping/bottoming. Lots of people don’t use their real names at kink events or are able to talk about their jobs openly. Be mindful of people’s privacy. You may be the most ethical, dependable person in the world, but no one is going to know that the first time they meet you.
 
Social Norms Still Apply
If it’s your first time in a dungeon or play space, you’re in for a lot of new sights. People might be naked, they might be getting tied up and beat, or set on fire. Maybe someone has set up a bootblacking station. It’s fascinating what we can figure out to do to each other. And if people are doing it in “public,” they probably don’t mind having people watch.
 
If it’s done respectfully.
 
Leering, standing too close to someone else’s scene, interrupting someone else’s scene, being too loud near someone else’s scene, touching people or toys without permission, are all no-nos. Different groups are going to have different rules too, so see if the one you’re going to has any type of orientation for newcomers.
 
My group has a special time set aside once a month where new people are greeted, given a list of rules, and a tour of the space. But no matter what party you come to, there will be someone around who will give a tour.
 
After that, it’s up to you. And just because you’re in a kinky space doesn’t mean all the conversations revolve around sex or even kink. Do you know how many conversations I’ve had at my dungeon about the most recent Marvel or Star Wars movie? A lot. I spent an hour one night just talking about Tom Hardy movies with a friend because we had just figured out we were both fans.
 
Be interesting. Read the room. Ask your questions but again, do so respectfully.
 
Not For Everyone
I’m a huge proponent of getting involved with one’s local kink community. None of them are perfect or any type of utopia, but it’s the best way I know to get to know real people and learn from them. If I had stuck to only trying to learn online (especially in the pre-Fetlife days), I never would have been aware of all the possibilities. I never would have met any of the awesome people I know or had most of the relationships I’ve had.
 
For me, going out to a dungeon was life changing and one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Was it scary? Of course. I was a single woman who, despite my age, was still incredibly naïve about a lot of things. And it absolutely took some time to find my feet, but I have learned so much about the world and myself since then.
 
Nevertheless, even I recognize that the public scene simply isn’t for everyone. Maybe you prefer to learn from books and videos, or only explore sensations with a partner, or simply aren’t a social creature. There are plenty of valid reasons for not getting involved.
 
Conclusion
But if you do decide to venture out, keep in mind that no one instantly fits in. We were all new once. Most of us remember those first tentative steps, no matter how long it’s been.
 
Give us a chance. As they say, we won’t bite unless you ask.

The Myth –
To be one of the cool kinky kids, I have to buy all the right equipment. Expensive leather floggers, hand-carved paddles, a custom whip. And then there are the clothes. Corsets, boots, leather vests. Who can afford all of that?
 
The Short Truth –
There is no such thing as essential equipment or clothing in kink. With a little improvisation and creativity, you’ll be amazed at what can be converted for kinky use.
 
The Longer Truth -
Anyone who has ever started a new craft, hobby, or sport knows the trap of getting pressured into buying the “right” supplies. But there’s a knack to figuring out what is essential and what is optional.
 
Kink is no different.
 
We’ve all seen the stereotypical image of the dominatrix in a leather corset and thigh-high vinyl boots wielding a riding crop or braided whip. But I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen this image come to life and I don’t remember the last time I did.
 
It’s not just the lack of in-person events lately either.
 
Kinky people tend to be highly creative and individualistic. As with the rest of the world, there will always be fads – I remember when branding was all the rage – but most of us are pretty comfortable in not being like everyone else.
 
What You Need
This is going to depend on what you want to do and how skilled you are. When you’re new and still exploring (and honestly, very few of us ever truly stop exploring), the wide array of kinky toys out there can be overwhelming.
 
Think about what you’re attracted to. Is it bondage? Impact play? Role playing and costuming? Something else? Whatever it is, there is an expensive way to do it but there is probably a way to do it on a budget too.
 
When I first started in kink, I knew a group that would go to Home Depot together. The challenge was to find something in every aisle that could be used for kink. The aisles with rope, chain, and padlocks were pretty easy. I imagine the aisles with home furnishings (ceiling fans, commodes, sinks, etc) were a little more difficult. Still, I thought this was brilliant. It helped you see alternative uses for everything. Soon, I was seeing that potential too.
 
There were the clothespins and clothesline I bought from Wal-Mart that made me feel very naughty and conspicuous. Little did the cashier know that I live in an apartment and hang damp laundry from my shower rod!
 
Okay, it wasn’t that daring. I know that now. But at the time? Ooh, baby. I was living on the edge!
 
Since then, I’ve bought my share of expensive toys. I have a couple of expensive floggers and impact toys. But what gets used more often? The $5 rubber mallet we got at a flea market.
 
Dressing the Part
The clubs I’ve gone to don’t have dress codes. I’ve never been to one that does, so I can’t speak extensively about them. But my impression is that, very often, they just want you in something nicer than jeans and your favorite band t-shirt.
 
On the other hand, I love corsets. I haven’t worn them regularly in years, but the snugness and feeling of hours-long bondage is right up my alley. Even so, I’ve never worn them regularly enough to justify spending the money for custom. There are plenty of places online that offer quality as well as decent prices.
 
Most of the time, I just want to be comfortable. And on any given night (again, during “normal” times), there are people in suits and ties, others in skimpy dresses, and there are those of us in comfy leggings or pjs.
 
It doesn’t matter. There is literally no law that says you have to dress a certain way. Find your own style and run with it.
 
Conclusion
There is no reason to spend hundreds of dollars on kinky toys and clothes. Hit up your favorite store’s kitchen aisle for spatulas, rolling pins, and more. Or use what you may already have around the house. Use thrift stores to create your own style. Your creativity is key here.
 
Even membership dues at local groups can sometimes be lessened by volunteering with them. Offer to help set up or tear down for a party. See if they need someone to help plan events. There are usually plenty of ways to help if you ask.
 
Let your kinky flag fly, but don’t think you have to go broke in the process.

The Myth –
In order to get consent, you must sit down with the other person and meticulously go through each and every possible activity ahead of time, probably with a checklist. The items on this list will not change. What is allowed will always be allowed and what is not allowed will never be allowed.
 
The Short Truth –
Unless you have a checklist fetish, there are far more interesting – and fun – ways to make sure you have consent from your partner(s). But not all “consent” is created equal.
 
The Longer Truth –
Planned Parenthood has developed a model regarding consent that I really like. The acronym used is FRIES – consent is Freely given, Revokable, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.
 
I’ll explore those in a minute. But I feel it is also important to say up front that consent is for everyone. Men can have their consent violated. Sex workers can have their consent violated. Children can have their consent violated. Even people who identify as submissives or slaves – meaning they have given some amount (or all) of authority to another person(s) can have their consent violated.
 
Everyone is allowed to say no. To anything. At any time. You may or may not give an explanation. You may or may not be able to articulate the reasoning for days, weeks, or even years. Doesn’t matter.
 
A no is a no. And it’s not just about sex/sexual activity. We should be getting consent for any number of everyday activities. My friends and I routinely ask if hugs are okay. If I start a text conversation where I need to vent, or requires a lengthy explanation, I ask if the other person has the time/energy. 

Respect for boundaries is respect for all boundaries.
 
Freely Given/Enthusiastic
“Come on, baby. Do it for me. Just this once? I swear, I’ll never ask again.”
 
“But it’s fun! I’ve never had anyone say no before. You just haven’t had anyone do it to you the way I do it. Open your mind and don’t be so closed off!”
 
Can you figure out what’s wrong with these sentences? If you said everything, get yourself a cookie.
 
Questions regarding an answer of no aren’t inherently bad. If your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective. But pressuring them into a yes? Coercing them and making them feel inferior for saying no? Don’t do it.
 
A common activity in kink is electric play – sometimes, that’s with a tens unit but I’ve also seen actual cattle prods and stun guns. Regardless, it's a hard limit. No, I haven’t tried it. No, you can’t convince me that you can make me like it. There is something about electricity that legitimately scares me – and not in the fun way. I don’t fully understand it but it shouldn’t matter. For years, I had tops trying to talk me into doing it. All that did was make my "no" more adamant.
 
Same goes with everything from hugs to sex. If there is a threat – real or implied – then any yes you get is based on fear, not an actual willingness to do what you want. That yes was not freely given and it is not enthusiastic.
 
Revokable
As stated above, consent can be withdrawn at any time. It can be withdrawn in the middle of an activity.  It can be withdrawn due to the person(s) involved, setting, etc. Just because someone was okay with you hugging them last time you saw them, don’t assume they are every time.
 
I really like hugging as an example. It seems so innocuous. In my friends group, we hug each other even if it’s only been a day since we last saw each other (well, we did in the before times, that is). But it isn’t always that easy, is it? There are people I don’t want touching me at all. Sometimes I’m in a really fragile or vulnerable mood and any touch from anyone is likely to send me into tears.
 
Learn to ask. Every time.
 
Informed/Specific
“Wanna hang out later?
 
What do you think of when you see these words? Imagine we’re not in a pandemic and that we are free to get together in any way at any time. You know, like last January.
 
Personally, I see something different depending on who is sending the message. I have one partner who I get together with just to watch movies and snuggle. They’re a delightful human and I enjoy any time I can get with them, whether we talk comic books, the latest movie we saw, or our jobs. Our nights have ended in sex but generally not.
 
I have another partner who I regularly invite over to tie me up and beat me. There’s often dinner first, but the goal is tying and beating.
 
I have other friends who would use that invite to have dinner together or go shopping. Maybe go hiking.
 
So if I say yes thinking that all I’m agreeing to is dinner and then the person expects sex, there’s going to be a problem.
 
“But I asked if you wanted to hang out – what did you think I meant?” is not the proper response, by the way.
 
Be specific about expectations. Again, this doesn’t have to involve a checklist. My snuggle partner and I have been known to ask ahead of time what is on the table. Same with the tying and beating partner. We all have boundaries – sometimes those boundaries shift for whatever reason (health, mood, etc.).
 
Talk about expectations. Make sure everyone knows what they’re getting into.
 
Conclusion
I love clarity. I love knowing my partner and I want the same things. I’m turned on by open, honest communication. The feeling of being “forced” can be enticing but only if you want to be “forced.” Actual force? Actually pushing past my stated boundaries? Not okay.
 
For me, one of the sexiest words in the world is “yes.”
 
Imagine it. You’re in bed with someone who wants to be in bed with you. You’ve talked about it and you’re both ready for sex with the other. But maybe this is your first time together. Maybe you’re still discovering all the little ways to turn each other on. The other person leans in for a kiss and whispers, “is this okay? Do you like this?”
 
And actually waits for an answer.
 
That pause holds everything – trust, knowledge, intimacy, integrity, honesty.
 
How you answer is up to you.

The Myth -
During my time in the kink community, I’ve seen my share of new people come and go – both online and in person. And everyone has questions. Many of them revolve around a similar theme – is what I want okay? Is what my partner and I do normal? I see other people doing things differently than I am – am I doing kink wrong?
 
The Short Answer –
For the vast majority of people, I say yes, you are normal. And as long as what you are doing makes you happy/horny and works for your life, you are probably not doing it wrong.
 
The Longer Answer –
 I was brought up in a fairly strict, religious household. There were people in our church who were stricter than we were, others who were less so, and we fit somewhere in the middle. Even so, I remember seeing everything as very black and white, right or wrong. My mother especially has her own code that I’ve never quite been able to crack about what is permissible and what is not. Very often, her reasoning comes down to, “that’s just the way things are done.”
 
Cool. Got it. Perfectly not at all confusing.
 
For me, it took getting involved in kink to truly see other perspectives and learn that they are not all wrong. In fact, most of them are not. Eventually, I would learn that everyone does their kink a little differently and that is 100% okay.
 
This is at once the most liberating and most frustrating aspect of kink for me. Ask 100 people a seemingly simple question – what’s the difference between a submissive and a slave, for example – and you will get 100 different answers, each with a unique nuance, each with their own value.
 
The only consistent rule that I’ve seen is that everyone involved must have informed consent. Otherwise, the answer to just about any question is, “well, it depends…”
 
The One True Way
Naturally, there are people who believe they have figured out exactly how kink should be done and are intent on getting everyone to subscribe to their way of life.
 
I see this more online than in person. I suppose it’s easier to issue these edicts from the safety of one’s own keyboard. Easier to ignore any evidence to the contrary.
 
There are a few ways of spotting these people. They are often men, often straight, and often exaggerate their own experience. You will see them refer to submissives/slaves/bottoms with only female pronouns and tops/dominants/masters with male pronouns. For example, “a slave has given up all her rights and her Master may do as he pleases.”
 
Look for phrases that suggest rigid guidelines or imply that anyone who doesn’t follow them is not “real.”
 
“A real slave would never hesitate in following a direct order.”
 
Using “real” is a huge red flag for me. Because there may be nothing wrong with how you conduct your own power exchange or relationship(s), but there is no reason to believe that what works for one couple will work for anyone else.
 
Feel free to ignore any and all advice from these people.
 
But Words Have Meaning
The same people who claim there is only one way to do kink are often quick to defend their statements by saying that words have meanings. If we change those meanings, or everyone has a different definition, then those definitions are no longer important and what’s the point of using those words at all?
 
That’s a lot to unpack. I’m going to try to do so quickly.
 
Because I like words. I like words a lot. I love their precision and how choosing one over another can completely change a fictional story or character.
 
But in real life, definitions are often more nebulous. Take power exchanges – any relationship where one person has given over some amount of control or authority to another. That’s the definition, by the way. That is literally all there is to it. There are a number of ways to label these relationships (authority transfer, D/s dynamic, etc) but the only important thing is that one person cede some amount of authority.
 
How that plays out, however, is something else. A power-exchange relationship can be full time (often referred to as 24/7) or it can be part time. It can involve rules and punishments, or not. It can be between two people or multiple people – one person can be submissive to one person while dominant over another. Or be submissive to more than one person. Whatever the people involved agree to is okay and they don’t have to do what anyone else does.
 
Are there common rules? Of course. I’ve lost track of how many female submissives I’ve met who aren’t allowed to wear underwear. Or how many male submissives are in chastity. But does it have to be this way? Absolutely not.
 
The possibilities are endless and not all sexual (a discussion for another entry). You don’t even have to be dominant or submissive in order to be kinky (yet another entry).
 
My point is that this is only one example. Most kink definitions are fairly broad and can encompass any number of different truths. There is no governing body or definition police. And if there was, they probably wouldn’t be on Fetlife using the handle “bigdick89” or whatever.
 
Conclusion
No one comes into kink knowing exactly what they want or what is going to work for them. I thought that all I wanted was to be tied up. Turns out I’m also a masochist with submissive tendencies.
 
But you will find your way. You will figure it out. You will try things that will end up being hard limits, and you will try others that will become passions. The world of kink is huge and includes experiences you probably haven’t even imagined.
 
Don’t let anyone make it smaller for you by saying you have to do things the same way they do.

The Short Answer –
The terms are too vague and too easily misused.
 
The Longer Answer –
First, an explanation. The above abbreviations are meant to describe different styles of kinky play. SSC stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual; RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink; and PRICK stands for Personal Responsibility in Consensual Kink. There are others, but these are the ones I see most often.
 
These sound good, right? Safety is important. Being aware of the risks inherent to any type of play is crucial. Taking personal responsibility for one’s actions is vital. And of course, the thing that links them all – CONSENT. Consent is key.
 
But what does any of this actually mean? What effect do these terms have on the people who use them? On how they play? On how they handle mistakes and accidents? What follows are my impressions and interpretations of each. As always, your mileage may – and likely will – vary.
 
SSC
SSC has become the fluffy bunny of kinky play. When someone proclaims that they subscribe to safe, sane, consensual play – and it is often announced in a holier-than-thou manner – what I hear is someone trying very hard to be reassuring. It’s the socially acceptable, mainstream, version of kink.
 
“We’re going to talk about everything. I’m going to use this super soft rope and make sure you’re comfortable at all times. I’m going to check in regularly, and afterward we’ll snuggle and do all the aftercare you need with a fluffy blanket and chocolate.”
 
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. Those are all good things if that’s what you enjoy. But the phrase itself always comes off as a bit condescending to me. As if safety can be ensured. As if other, valid forms of play are somehow not sane – I’ve never been able to figure out where the line is on that, by the way.
 
What I do on a random Wednesday night might look extreme to some people. That doesn’t make it less safe or sane than anything else – If I consent to it.
 
Further, what is safe? There is an inherent risk in everything we do. I don’t care how soft the rope is or how fuzzy the flogger. Safety is more than physical. Your safety measures need to take mental triggers into account too and there is no guarantee that you will avoid those altogether no matter what precautions you take.
 
RACK
When I see someone claim to be a RACK player, I see someone with a puffed-up chest intent on conveying how cool, dangerous, and edgy they are.
 
“Look at me. I can suspend someone upside down without a net because I’m AWARE of the risks involved. I don’t do any of that sissy aftercare stuff. But of course I’ll respect your limits and boundaries – probably! Haha. Just kidding. No really, come back. It was a joke!”
 
Again, knowing the risks involved – all the risks – in anything we do is crucial. Some types of play have very specific ways of mitigating those risks (go to any class on fire play, for example). If you don’t know what those are, you have no business trying that sort of play.
 
But simply being aware is not enough for me. I need more. I need to know the steps you’re taking to protect everyone involved.
 
PRICK
To me, PRICK is just RACK’s even more obnoxious, ‘roided out cousin. People who use it are the same people who are proud of how sadistic they are. They are loud about it and treat topping like a competition. Mostly, I think they just like being associated with the word.
 
But again, I want to know more about what personal responsibility means to you. What actions are you willing to take? Will you talk me through an unexpected trigger? Will you call an ambulance if I need it? And do you really think that people who don’t refer to themselves as PRICKs don’t take personal responsibility?
 
Conclusion
As is so often the case, the real key is communication. Phrases like “safe, sane, and consensual” and “risk aware” are fine as shortcuts. But I’d rather talk – in plain language – about what we are going to do and what’s going to happen after. Especially if we’ve never played before.
 
What does safety mean to you? What steps are you taking to ensure it as much as you can? What happens if and when something goes wrong? Be specific.
 
More importantly? Show me. Show me by your actions that you know what you’re doing, that you’re aware of the limitations (yours, mine, and the space we’re in). Be responsible by checking in, check up after, and preparing for the scene (before, during, and after).
 
Vague words tell me nothing. What you do in the moment – and after – tells me everything.

The short answer –
By themselves, safewords are vague and give an inadequate amount of information.

The longer answer –
Safewords, people in the kink community will tell you, are one of the foundations of kinky play. They should be agreed to early on and no one should be afraid to use them – top, bottom, switch, etc. How will your partner know that something is wrong if you don’t yell out “red” or “pomegranate” in the middle of a scene?

But what do these words really convey? What does “red” or “stop” or whatever you have decided on, mean? What happens when they are invoked? Having a safeword is an excellent start, but it is only part of what should be a much larger conversation.

I know, this isn’t what anyone wants to hear when they’re excited about jumping into play. But understanding why people safeword, how they safeword, and their expectations after safewording can save a lot of headaches later on.

Why Safeword?
The reasons for invoking a safeword are as varied as the people involved in scenes. And yes, this goes for the person topping as well as the person bottoming. Anyone can safeword at any time. Reaching a pain threshold, medical emergencies, hitting a mental trigger, or someone crossing a negotiated boundary are all valid and excellent reasons for stopping or pausing a scene. Maybe you’re just not feeling it or are uncomfortable for some reason. Doesn’t matter. No one should feel pressured to continue if they don’t feel safe.

How to Safeword - 
When I think of safewording, the image that leaps to mind is someone on the receiving end of pain who has suddenly had enough, is self-aware enough to know this, and yells out RED! All action stops, partners calmly and rationally talk about what went wrong, the bottom’s needs are attended to, and everyone goes on with their lives.

This is the industrial training film version – contrived, unrealistic, and unlikely to ever happen in the wild.

I am a bottom and a masochist. I also have the combined stubbornness of Italian, German, and Irish genes. I will grin and bear whatever you come at me with and find a way to be okay with it.

That’s not always okay, by the way. And in my many years of experience, I have technically only safeworded once. I said “red” to end a scene because the pain had stopped being fun. Even then, I needed help in saying the word. I often protest with words like “don’t,” but my pleas had taken a serious shift. Noticing this, one of my tops guided me to the one that would stop everything.

“That’s not the safeword,” he said gently. “You know what the safeword is…what is it?”

“Red,” I told him. It wasn’t loud, but he heard me. And, just like in the training film version, everything stopped, I was guided to the floor, and attended to.

I learned a lot about myself from that scene. Later, I would realize how crucial having two competent tops had been. Someone else might have ignored me, waiting only for that one word without realizing that I couldn’t get there on my own. Someone else might not have known how to communicate with someone in my condition.

Yes, I was lucky. Nothing about that memory is a negative for me. Even the resulting bruises that lasted more than a month.

And from then on, I’ve been able to tell tops that if I hit that alternate headspace some of us go to in order to process pain during a scene – usually called subspace – I am unlikely to offer information. I don’t quite go nonverbal because I can answer questions when asked, but I can go deep into my own head.

And this is important. There can be a point – maybe especially for us masochists – where you barely feel the pain anymore. And it is at that point that damage can occur without anyone realizing it. Expecting someone to be aware enough to verbalize that a scene has gone too far can be unrealistic. Tops and bottoms need to pay attention to responses and know how to deal with them.

Of course, not being able to speak can be physical as well as mental. If gags are involved, how can someone be expected to safeword? Make sure you have alternatives to speech – examples I’ve seen is having the bottom hold a rubber ball, keys, or something else that will get the top’s attention when dropped.

Something that has been key for me has been check-ins during a scene. These can be tricky, especially when you’re in that really good groove and everything seems to be going great. Stopping to ask your bottom “are you still okay?” can break the mood.

My favorite method of checking in? Squeeze my hand. If I squeeze back, I’m good. If I’m slow to, or don’t at all, I probably need more attention. It’s effective at gathering information and doesn’t break the flow of a scene.

Finally, I may be stubborn but there are signs that even I can’t ignore. I like to tell tops that I am more likely to call “foot cramp” than “red.” In other words, I prefer plain language that makes my needs clear.

And while I may have only used “red” once, I have lost track of how many times I have said “that rope is too tight” or “I need to be in a different position.” If possible, I shift and make these adjustments myself. If I can’t, it’s time to get my top involved.

And that’s what “red” doesn’t convey. There’s no nuance to “red.” It’s vague. All it says is that something is “wrong.” But what if it’s not some big emergency? What if it is and you end up needing medical attention?

Find out what “red” – or whatever safeword you decide to use – means. Make sure everyone is clear on this definition. Know that this definition may change depending on who you are playing with. Expectations are crucial.

What to Expect After Safewording
As stated, a break in the action may be just that – a break. Shift the ropes, change the implement being used, and move on.

For a lot of people, “red” means “stop the scene.” For others, it means “enough with the cane already, motherfucker!”

If one of you says “red” expecting that all action is going to stop – and the other person grabs a paddle instead of the cane – there’s going to be a problem. Make it clear up front what you mean by “red.” Does it mean stop everything or stop that particular action?

Definitions are important but know that those definitions are going to be slightly different for everyone. Red may be a signal that something is wrong – but what is wrong, what needs to be done about it, and what happens next needs to be communicated as well.

Conclusion
Again, the answer for me has been to use plain language. If you’re worried about going nonverbal during a scene, there are ways to avoid it – having a top that keeps you engaged with some sort of communication or physical movement can help with this.

But at the end of the day, you have to know yourself. You have to be self-aware enough to know what your needs are and what your typical reactions are. There will always be unexpected reactions, but if you know what’s normal, you will know better how to manage the surprises. It takes time. It takes experience. And it often means moving slowly and experimenting with new sensations.

Communicate. Make sure everyone is on the same page. Only then should you proceed.

A few words on consent
There is this idea going around that getting consent has to be dry and boring, and involves sitting with a checklist going over every possible activity with every possible part of your partner’s body. As if this must be separate from normal, getting-to-know each other conversation. And if spreadsheets and lists are your kink, I say go for it. I’m not judging. 
But let’s try reframing this scenario.
Ever had someone lean in and whisper, “Can I kiss you?” And then actually wait for the answer? Have you ever allowed your fingers to hover over someone’s flesh and asked, “Is this okay?” or “Do you like this?” Traded flirty texts with someone describing what you want to do to each other? Or talked about each other’s fantasies?
Guess what, all of this comes under the heading of getting consent. None of it is magic or a guaranty of anything, but it is proof that there are a million ways to ensure consent without a clipboard.
Consent is not one-stop shopping
Consent is not something you get once and never talk about it again. It is ongoing. Moods change. Bodies change. Dynamics shift between partners – what you are okay with from one person, you might not be from someone else. Different levels of trust may be involved. Context may play a part.
In short, the only way to ensure consent is to communicate.
And that means risking a no. This is not the end of the world. It doesn’t even have to be the end of a relationship.
Also – and this is important – a no is not an invitation to keep trying, keep pushing, or try to coerce a yes. A yes given under pressure is not a yes. A yes given under fear of retaliation if that person says no is not a yes. A yes given just to make the other person finally stop pushing is not a yes.
Think FRIES. A yes is Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.
Learn to live with a no
There are going to be people who turn you down. It’s their right. No one owes you anything, and you are not entitled to their bodies or their time. Again, a no does not mean keep trying for the same thing. All it means is that you two are incompatible on that point.
It may, however, be an opportunity to negotiate an activity where you are compatible. “If this isn’t okay, is there something you would prefer?” “Would you rather do xyz instead?”
Again, not a guaranty and not always applicable. Read the room. If all other signals say they are trying to leave the conversation and get away from you, let them. Go find someone else.
“But I can’t get anyone to say yes to me.”
Consider the possibility that the problem may be you. Either your approach, your hygiene, your general behavior, or some combination of the above. If you have someone you can trust to talk to about these things, do it. Come up with some ways to improve yourself.
“But I can’t find anyone at all.”
Try a new hobby. Join groups and online discussions. Get to someone and don’t immediately jump to sexual questions. It is rare that the other person will be into that, especially online. Specifically, women deal with men coming on to them all the time. Find an interesting topic to talk about from their profile. Look for common ground.
I can’t possibly cover everything here because there are entire books written on the subject. But I hope this is a good start and has given a few people more to think about.
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