Myths of Kink - There is a "Right" Way

The Myth -
During my time in the kink community, I’ve seen my share of new people come and go – both online and in person. And everyone has questions. Many of them revolve around a similar theme – is what I want okay? Is what my partner and I do normal? I see other people doing things differently than I am – am I doing kink wrong?
 
The Short Answer –
For the vast majority of people, I say yes, you are normal. And as long as what you are doing makes you happy/horny and works for your life, you are probably not doing it wrong.
 
The Longer Answer –
 I was brought up in a fairly strict, religious household. There were people in our church who were stricter than we were, others who were less so, and we fit somewhere in the middle. Even so, I remember seeing everything as very black and white, right or wrong. My mother especially has her own code that I’ve never quite been able to crack about what is permissible and what is not. Very often, her reasoning comes down to, “that’s just the way things are done.”
 
Cool. Got it. Perfectly not at all confusing.
 
For me, it took getting involved in kink to truly see other perspectives and learn that they are not all wrong. In fact, most of them are not. Eventually, I would learn that everyone does their kink a little differently and that is 100% okay.
 
This is at once the most liberating and most frustrating aspect of kink for me. Ask 100 people a seemingly simple question – what’s the difference between a submissive and a slave, for example – and you will get 100 different answers, each with a unique nuance, each with their own value.
 
The only consistent rule that I’ve seen is that everyone involved must have informed consent. Otherwise, the answer to just about any question is, “well, it depends…”
 
The One True Way
Naturally, there are people who believe they have figured out exactly how kink should be done and are intent on getting everyone to subscribe to their way of life.
 
I see this more online than in person. I suppose it’s easier to issue these edicts from the safety of one’s own keyboard. Easier to ignore any evidence to the contrary.
 
There are a few ways of spotting these people. They are often men, often straight, and often exaggerate their own experience. You will see them refer to submissives/slaves/bottoms with only female pronouns and tops/dominants/masters with male pronouns. For example, “a slave has given up all her rights and her Master may do as he pleases.”
 
Look for phrases that suggest rigid guidelines or imply that anyone who doesn’t follow them is not “real.”
 
“A real slave would never hesitate in following a direct order.”
 
Using “real” is a huge red flag for me. Because there may be nothing wrong with how you conduct your own power exchange or relationship(s), but there is no reason to believe that what works for one couple will work for anyone else.
 
Feel free to ignore any and all advice from these people.
 
But Words Have Meaning
The same people who claim there is only one way to do kink are often quick to defend their statements by saying that words have meanings. If we change those meanings, or everyone has a different definition, then those definitions are no longer important and what’s the point of using those words at all?
 
That’s a lot to unpack. I’m going to try to do so quickly.
 
Because I like words. I like words a lot. I love their precision and how choosing one over another can completely change a fictional story or character.
 
But in real life, definitions are often more nebulous. Take power exchanges – any relationship where one person has given over some amount of control or authority to another. That’s the definition, by the way. That is literally all there is to it. There are a number of ways to label these relationships (authority transfer, D/s dynamic, etc) but the only important thing is that one person cede some amount of authority.
 
How that plays out, however, is something else. A power-exchange relationship can be full time (often referred to as 24/7) or it can be part time. It can involve rules and punishments, or not. It can be between two people or multiple people – one person can be submissive to one person while dominant over another. Or be submissive to more than one person. Whatever the people involved agree to is okay and they don’t have to do what anyone else does.
 
Are there common rules? Of course. I’ve lost track of how many female submissives I’ve met who aren’t allowed to wear underwear. Or how many male submissives are in chastity. But does it have to be this way? Absolutely not.
 
The possibilities are endless and not all sexual (a discussion for another entry). You don’t even have to be dominant or submissive in order to be kinky (yet another entry).
 
My point is that this is only one example. Most kink definitions are fairly broad and can encompass any number of different truths. There is no governing body or definition police. And if there was, they probably wouldn’t be on Fetlife using the handle “bigdick89” or whatever.
 
Conclusion
No one comes into kink knowing exactly what they want or what is going to work for them. I thought that all I wanted was to be tied up. Turns out I’m also a masochist with submissive tendencies.
 
But you will find your way. You will figure it out. You will try things that will end up being hard limits, and you will try others that will become passions. The world of kink is huge and includes experiences you probably haven’t even imagined.
 
Don’t let anyone make it smaller for you by saying you have to do things the same way they do.