The Myth –
Kink parties and get togethers are very unwelcoming to newcomers. No one talks to new people – they just stick to the people they already know. How is anyone supposed to break through the barrier when there are so many cliques?
 
The Short Truth –
Kink groups aren’t so different than any other special interest group. It takes time to establish yourself and find your place.
 
The Longer Truth –
Kink encompasses a wide array of activities. People are naturally going to gravitate to others with similar interests. What looks like cliques could be the rope enthusiasts hanging out in one area, while people interested in D/s relationships hang out in another, and leadership is somewhere else entirely trying to plan the next month’s activities.
 
If you’re a gamer, think of it role players hanging out separately from video gamers hanging out separately from board gamers. It’s not so different. And you’re likely to see those groups at any kink event as well (seriously, kinksters are huge nerds and I say that as a nerd who loves nerds).
 
There may be other dynamics at play too. People have histories with each other. Depending on how often the group meets, this may be the only chance people have to see some of their kinky friends. The group I attend held several events a month in the before times, but not everyone goes to every event. So there are people I might not see for weeks and when I do, I want to spend time with them and catch up.
 
Which leads to my first point.
 
Attend More Than Once
People are busy. Well, we used to be. Between families, jobs, other social activities, most people don’t have time to go to every kink event offered. My group holds a minimum of two weekend parties a month. Then there’s usually at least one special interest group that holds their own party. Plus munches during the week.
 
It’s a lot.
 
Therefore, every event is going to have at least a slightly different mix of people. And sometimes, it’s just an off night. Not every party is going to be high energy. Everyone is dealing with life outside, or the group as a whole may be going through a rough time.
 
As an introvert, I’ve been to plenty of parties where all I wanted was to stick to my own little group of friends. Maybe it was a rough week at work. Maybe I have a specific scene planned and I’m mentally preparing for that. I try to be friendly to everyone, but I know I often fail.
 
Further, there is so much in kink that revolves around trust. And I’m not just talking about relationships or topping/bottoming. Lots of people don’t use their real names at kink events or are able to talk about their jobs openly. Be mindful of people’s privacy. You may be the most ethical, dependable person in the world, but no one is going to know that the first time they meet you.
 
Social Norms Still Apply
If it’s your first time in a dungeon or play space, you’re in for a lot of new sights. People might be naked, they might be getting tied up and beat, or set on fire. Maybe someone has set up a bootblacking station. It’s fascinating what we can figure out to do to each other. And if people are doing it in “public,” they probably don’t mind having people watch.
 
If it’s done respectfully.
 
Leering, standing too close to someone else’s scene, interrupting someone else’s scene, being too loud near someone else’s scene, touching people or toys without permission, are all no-nos. Different groups are going to have different rules too, so see if the one you’re going to has any type of orientation for newcomers.
 
My group has a special time set aside once a month where new people are greeted, given a list of rules, and a tour of the space. But no matter what party you come to, there will be someone around who will give a tour.
 
After that, it’s up to you. And just because you’re in a kinky space doesn’t mean all the conversations revolve around sex or even kink. Do you know how many conversations I’ve had at my dungeon about the most recent Marvel or Star Wars movie? A lot. I spent an hour one night just talking about Tom Hardy movies with a friend because we had just figured out we were both fans.
 
Be interesting. Read the room. Ask your questions but again, do so respectfully.
 
Not For Everyone
I’m a huge proponent of getting involved with one’s local kink community. None of them are perfect or any type of utopia, but it’s the best way I know to get to know real people and learn from them. If I had stuck to only trying to learn online (especially in the pre-Fetlife days), I never would have been aware of all the possibilities. I never would have met any of the awesome people I know or had most of the relationships I’ve had.
 
For me, going out to a dungeon was life changing and one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Was it scary? Of course. I was a single woman who, despite my age, was still incredibly naïve about a lot of things. And it absolutely took some time to find my feet, but I have learned so much about the world and myself since then.
 
Nevertheless, even I recognize that the public scene simply isn’t for everyone. Maybe you prefer to learn from books and videos, or only explore sensations with a partner, or simply aren’t a social creature. There are plenty of valid reasons for not getting involved.
 
Conclusion
But if you do decide to venture out, keep in mind that no one instantly fits in. We were all new once. Most of us remember those first tentative steps, no matter how long it’s been.
 
Give us a chance. As they say, we won’t bite unless you ask.

The Myth –
To be one of the cool kinky kids, I have to buy all the right equipment. Expensive leather floggers, hand-carved paddles, a custom whip. And then there are the clothes. Corsets, boots, leather vests. Who can afford all of that?
 
The Short Truth –
There is no such thing as essential equipment or clothing in kink. With a little improvisation and creativity, you’ll be amazed at what can be converted for kinky use.
 
The Longer Truth -
Anyone who has ever started a new craft, hobby, or sport knows the trap of getting pressured into buying the “right” supplies. But there’s a knack to figuring out what is essential and what is optional.
 
Kink is no different.
 
We’ve all seen the stereotypical image of the dominatrix in a leather corset and thigh-high vinyl boots wielding a riding crop or braided whip. But I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen this image come to life and I don’t remember the last time I did.
 
It’s not just the lack of in-person events lately either.
 
Kinky people tend to be highly creative and individualistic. As with the rest of the world, there will always be fads – I remember when branding was all the rage – but most of us are pretty comfortable in not being like everyone else.
 
What You Need
This is going to depend on what you want to do and how skilled you are. When you’re new and still exploring (and honestly, very few of us ever truly stop exploring), the wide array of kinky toys out there can be overwhelming.
 
Think about what you’re attracted to. Is it bondage? Impact play? Role playing and costuming? Something else? Whatever it is, there is an expensive way to do it but there is probably a way to do it on a budget too.
 
When I first started in kink, I knew a group that would go to Home Depot together. The challenge was to find something in every aisle that could be used for kink. The aisles with rope, chain, and padlocks were pretty easy. I imagine the aisles with home furnishings (ceiling fans, commodes, sinks, etc) were a little more difficult. Still, I thought this was brilliant. It helped you see alternative uses for everything. Soon, I was seeing that potential too.
 
There were the clothespins and clothesline I bought from Wal-Mart that made me feel very naughty and conspicuous. Little did the cashier know that I live in an apartment and hang damp laundry from my shower rod!
 
Okay, it wasn’t that daring. I know that now. But at the time? Ooh, baby. I was living on the edge!
 
Since then, I’ve bought my share of expensive toys. I have a couple of expensive floggers and impact toys. But what gets used more often? The $5 rubber mallet we got at a flea market.
 
Dressing the Part
The clubs I’ve gone to don’t have dress codes. I’ve never been to one that does, so I can’t speak extensively about them. But my impression is that, very often, they just want you in something nicer than jeans and your favorite band t-shirt.
 
On the other hand, I love corsets. I haven’t worn them regularly in years, but the snugness and feeling of hours-long bondage is right up my alley. Even so, I’ve never worn them regularly enough to justify spending the money for custom. There are plenty of places online that offer quality as well as decent prices.
 
Most of the time, I just want to be comfortable. And on any given night (again, during “normal” times), there are people in suits and ties, others in skimpy dresses, and there are those of us in comfy leggings or pjs.
 
It doesn’t matter. There is literally no law that says you have to dress a certain way. Find your own style and run with it.
 
Conclusion
There is no reason to spend hundreds of dollars on kinky toys and clothes. Hit up your favorite store’s kitchen aisle for spatulas, rolling pins, and more. Or use what you may already have around the house. Use thrift stores to create your own style. Your creativity is key here.
 
Even membership dues at local groups can sometimes be lessened by volunteering with them. Offer to help set up or tear down for a party. See if they need someone to help plan events. There are usually plenty of ways to help if you ask.
 
Let your kinky flag fly, but don’t think you have to go broke in the process.

The Myth –
In order to get consent, you must sit down with the other person and meticulously go through each and every possible activity ahead of time, probably with a checklist. The items on this list will not change. What is allowed will always be allowed and what is not allowed will never be allowed.
 
The Short Truth –
Unless you have a checklist fetish, there are far more interesting – and fun – ways to make sure you have consent from your partner(s). But not all “consent” is created equal.
 
The Longer Truth –
Planned Parenthood has developed a model regarding consent that I really like. The acronym used is FRIES – consent is Freely given, Revokable, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.
 
I’ll explore those in a minute. But I feel it is also important to say up front that consent is for everyone. Men can have their consent violated. Sex workers can have their consent violated. Children can have their consent violated. Even people who identify as submissives or slaves – meaning they have given some amount (or all) of authority to another person(s) can have their consent violated.
 
Everyone is allowed to say no. To anything. At any time. You may or may not give an explanation. You may or may not be able to articulate the reasoning for days, weeks, or even years. Doesn’t matter.
 
A no is a no. And it’s not just about sex/sexual activity. We should be getting consent for any number of everyday activities. My friends and I routinely ask if hugs are okay. If I start a text conversation where I need to vent, or requires a lengthy explanation, I ask if the other person has the time/energy. 

Respect for boundaries is respect for all boundaries.
 
Freely Given/Enthusiastic
“Come on, baby. Do it for me. Just this once? I swear, I’ll never ask again.”
 
“But it’s fun! I’ve never had anyone say no before. You just haven’t had anyone do it to you the way I do it. Open your mind and don’t be so closed off!”
 
Can you figure out what’s wrong with these sentences? If you said everything, get yourself a cookie.
 
Questions regarding an answer of no aren’t inherently bad. If your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective. But pressuring them into a yes? Coercing them and making them feel inferior for saying no? Don’t do it.
 
A common activity in kink is electric play – sometimes, that’s with a tens unit but I’ve also seen actual cattle prods and stun guns. Regardless, it's a hard limit. No, I haven’t tried it. No, you can’t convince me that you can make me like it. There is something about electricity that legitimately scares me – and not in the fun way. I don’t fully understand it but it shouldn’t matter. For years, I had tops trying to talk me into doing it. All that did was make my "no" more adamant.
 
Same goes with everything from hugs to sex. If there is a threat – real or implied – then any yes you get is based on fear, not an actual willingness to do what you want. That yes was not freely given and it is not enthusiastic.
 
Revokable
As stated above, consent can be withdrawn at any time. It can be withdrawn in the middle of an activity.  It can be withdrawn due to the person(s) involved, setting, etc. Just because someone was okay with you hugging them last time you saw them, don’t assume they are every time.
 
I really like hugging as an example. It seems so innocuous. In my friends group, we hug each other even if it’s only been a day since we last saw each other (well, we did in the before times, that is). But it isn’t always that easy, is it? There are people I don’t want touching me at all. Sometimes I’m in a really fragile or vulnerable mood and any touch from anyone is likely to send me into tears.
 
Learn to ask. Every time.
 
Informed/Specific
“Wanna hang out later?
 
What do you think of when you see these words? Imagine we’re not in a pandemic and that we are free to get together in any way at any time. You know, like last January.
 
Personally, I see something different depending on who is sending the message. I have one partner who I get together with just to watch movies and snuggle. They’re a delightful human and I enjoy any time I can get with them, whether we talk comic books, the latest movie we saw, or our jobs. Our nights have ended in sex but generally not.
 
I have another partner who I regularly invite over to tie me up and beat me. There’s often dinner first, but the goal is tying and beating.
 
I have other friends who would use that invite to have dinner together or go shopping. Maybe go hiking.
 
So if I say yes thinking that all I’m agreeing to is dinner and then the person expects sex, there’s going to be a problem.
 
“But I asked if you wanted to hang out – what did you think I meant?” is not the proper response, by the way.
 
Be specific about expectations. Again, this doesn’t have to involve a checklist. My snuggle partner and I have been known to ask ahead of time what is on the table. Same with the tying and beating partner. We all have boundaries – sometimes those boundaries shift for whatever reason (health, mood, etc.).
 
Talk about expectations. Make sure everyone knows what they’re getting into.
 
Conclusion
I love clarity. I love knowing my partner and I want the same things. I’m turned on by open, honest communication. The feeling of being “forced” can be enticing but only if you want to be “forced.” Actual force? Actually pushing past my stated boundaries? Not okay.
 
For me, one of the sexiest words in the world is “yes.”
 
Imagine it. You’re in bed with someone who wants to be in bed with you. You’ve talked about it and you’re both ready for sex with the other. But maybe this is your first time together. Maybe you’re still discovering all the little ways to turn each other on. The other person leans in for a kiss and whispers, “is this okay? Do you like this?”
 
And actually waits for an answer.
 
That pause holds everything – trust, knowledge, intimacy, integrity, honesty.
 
How you answer is up to you.

The Myth -
During my time in the kink community, I’ve seen my share of new people come and go – both online and in person. And everyone has questions. Many of them revolve around a similar theme – is what I want okay? Is what my partner and I do normal? I see other people doing things differently than I am – am I doing kink wrong?
 
The Short Answer –
For the vast majority of people, I say yes, you are normal. And as long as what you are doing makes you happy/horny and works for your life, you are probably not doing it wrong.
 
The Longer Answer –
 I was brought up in a fairly strict, religious household. There were people in our church who were stricter than we were, others who were less so, and we fit somewhere in the middle. Even so, I remember seeing everything as very black and white, right or wrong. My mother especially has her own code that I’ve never quite been able to crack about what is permissible and what is not. Very often, her reasoning comes down to, “that’s just the way things are done.”
 
Cool. Got it. Perfectly not at all confusing.
 
For me, it took getting involved in kink to truly see other perspectives and learn that they are not all wrong. In fact, most of them are not. Eventually, I would learn that everyone does their kink a little differently and that is 100% okay.
 
This is at once the most liberating and most frustrating aspect of kink for me. Ask 100 people a seemingly simple question – what’s the difference between a submissive and a slave, for example – and you will get 100 different answers, each with a unique nuance, each with their own value.
 
The only consistent rule that I’ve seen is that everyone involved must have informed consent. Otherwise, the answer to just about any question is, “well, it depends…”
 
The One True Way
Naturally, there are people who believe they have figured out exactly how kink should be done and are intent on getting everyone to subscribe to their way of life.
 
I see this more online than in person. I suppose it’s easier to issue these edicts from the safety of one’s own keyboard. Easier to ignore any evidence to the contrary.
 
There are a few ways of spotting these people. They are often men, often straight, and often exaggerate their own experience. You will see them refer to submissives/slaves/bottoms with only female pronouns and tops/dominants/masters with male pronouns. For example, “a slave has given up all her rights and her Master may do as he pleases.”
 
Look for phrases that suggest rigid guidelines or imply that anyone who doesn’t follow them is not “real.”
 
“A real slave would never hesitate in following a direct order.”
 
Using “real” is a huge red flag for me. Because there may be nothing wrong with how you conduct your own power exchange or relationship(s), but there is no reason to believe that what works for one couple will work for anyone else.
 
Feel free to ignore any and all advice from these people.
 
But Words Have Meaning
The same people who claim there is only one way to do kink are often quick to defend their statements by saying that words have meanings. If we change those meanings, or everyone has a different definition, then those definitions are no longer important and what’s the point of using those words at all?
 
That’s a lot to unpack. I’m going to try to do so quickly.
 
Because I like words. I like words a lot. I love their precision and how choosing one over another can completely change a fictional story or character.
 
But in real life, definitions are often more nebulous. Take power exchanges – any relationship where one person has given over some amount of control or authority to another. That’s the definition, by the way. That is literally all there is to it. There are a number of ways to label these relationships (authority transfer, D/s dynamic, etc) but the only important thing is that one person cede some amount of authority.
 
How that plays out, however, is something else. A power-exchange relationship can be full time (often referred to as 24/7) or it can be part time. It can involve rules and punishments, or not. It can be between two people or multiple people – one person can be submissive to one person while dominant over another. Or be submissive to more than one person. Whatever the people involved agree to is okay and they don’t have to do what anyone else does.
 
Are there common rules? Of course. I’ve lost track of how many female submissives I’ve met who aren’t allowed to wear underwear. Or how many male submissives are in chastity. But does it have to be this way? Absolutely not.
 
The possibilities are endless and not all sexual (a discussion for another entry). You don’t even have to be dominant or submissive in order to be kinky (yet another entry).
 
My point is that this is only one example. Most kink definitions are fairly broad and can encompass any number of different truths. There is no governing body or definition police. And if there was, they probably wouldn’t be on Fetlife using the handle “bigdick89” or whatever.
 
Conclusion
No one comes into kink knowing exactly what they want or what is going to work for them. I thought that all I wanted was to be tied up. Turns out I’m also a masochist with submissive tendencies.
 
But you will find your way. You will figure it out. You will try things that will end up being hard limits, and you will try others that will become passions. The world of kink is huge and includes experiences you probably haven’t even imagined.
 
Don’t let anyone make it smaller for you by saying you have to do things the same way they do.