Why is it that so many men don't understand what being friends actually is? The Black and Red site strikes again. 

Him: We should play sometime

Me: Oh? Why is that?

Him: Im new to this site a lady I met told me about it .. Got out of a long term relationship a few years ago and the other dating apps are pretty lame/vanillaO don't really have any play partners could def use a kinky friend 😘

Me: Friend is different than play partner. I see you're interested in a couple of local events - you can meet plenty of people at those.

Him: Play partner is what I meant by friend

Me: This may be a kink site, but you talk to people the same way you would anywhere else. Make conversation, read profiles. And if you're really interested in meeting people, go to events. Most people aren't going to jump right into playing.

...
And...crickets. Again. As far as I know, he hasn't shown up to anything either. 

Dude wanted a conversation but had nothing to say. Far too typical, I'm afraid. 

Him: You look lovely. Would you like to chat some?
Me: What do you want to chat about?
Him: Get to know eachother?
Me: Your profile doesn't give me much to go on, so I'm not sure what we have in common.

...

​And...scene. My dude. If you start the conversation, you need to have something to talk about. It's that easy.

Clueless men are clueless. Once more, from the Black and Red site. I don't remember what I had commented now or why. But this one decided to message me because of what I had said to someone else entirely. And then proceeded to miss the entire point of my profile because I doubt he actually read it.

Him: Hope the storm is still tingling your parts

Me (hours later): Wow. Took me until now to figure out what you were on about.
You realize I was liking someone else's post who said that, right?

Him: Sometimes you got to be a little bit different especially on this site to get a conversation

Me: You could always try the novel concept of reading profiles.

Him: I.read your profile....you seem interesting....to have conversations with

Him (again): Your only here for friends...etc and your book.promo

...

Actually, what the profile does is link to this site. It also lists a variety of interests, including keeping up with friends and local events. I suspect nuance is not this dude's strong suit.

When I entered my local BDSM community, there was a line I heard often from tops and dominants. It was, "I want to hurt you, not harm you." 

As a budding masochist exploring a wide variety of intense sensations, this distinction was important to me. It was part of how I justified to myself what I was doing. I would go through long stretches where bruises from my last scene barely had time to heal - or were still visible - and I would play again. I would have marks from multiple tops, sometimes overlapping, sometimes simply in different places. 

Marks have always been a point of pride. Tangible proof that I could endure. Visible reminders of meaningful exchanges and events. I can still list some of my favorites and vividly recall what they looked like. 

Whether the bruises last days or weeks, I never feel harmed. There are experiences I don't want repeated and others I would gladly take on over and over again. I regret none of them because I never felt harmed. I have felt release, sometimes sexual but often not. I felt cared for, loved, cherished, admired, desirable, beautiful, and so much more. 

But harm was always something to be avoided. In my mind, harm would equal abuse. Harm would imply I hadn't consented or at least hadn't enjoyed what was being done to me. 

Imagine how taken aback I was recently to hear a top insist that heavy impact play is inherently harmful. With some consideration, I came to understand this view to an extent. After all, technically, the body is being harmed - hence, all the bruises. Emotional states can be temporarily harmed as well - hence, the drop, questions, and doubts that so often crop up along with the physical contusions. 

Further, I wouldn't want to underestimate the effects of these activities around new people. Heavy impact is dangerous. It takes skill. Precautions need to be taken. And I'd rather err on the side of clarity so everyone knows what they are getting into and can give informed consent.

What's more, language and attitudes evolve and shift over time. So I'm not trying to say that no one should ever consider what they do harmful. 

But. 

Personally? I can't get there. No matter how long some of the bruises last, or how many days I sit  little more gingerly than normal because of them, I don't feel harmed. Hurt? Yes. Absolutely. Battered, crushed, cut, marred, pained, scratched, tortured? Sure. I'd even accept damaged on occasion. 

But for me. It's not harm if I asked for and enjoyed it.

Another clueless guy on that black and red site. I'll call him HB. This was a few months ago when the scandal over my local football team's new quarterback was just breaking.

HB: I am intrigued by you, I would love to hear from you

Me: Intrigued how?

HB: About how much you’re into being throat fucked and hand on throat. The fact that you have a beautiful curvy body.

Me: That's not intrigue, that's being horny. Lol

HB: Oh damn, you got me. I finished with stroking so I could get ready to go to work this morning

Me: I really didn't need to know that, btw. It's not a compliment.

HB: O shit, you a Browns fan?

Me: Not really a football fan. Why?

HB: Just looking for conversations

HB (again): A soon Browns QB in trouble paying for blow jobs

Me: Unfortunately, he's not in enough trouble. More than 20 women have accused him of acting nonconsensually.

HB: I have been to massage therapist

Me: Good for you. What's your point?

HB: Well when the women are all about money, they will do certain things for extra dollars. I don’t fully see him as a bad guy, learning how to get off cheaply and no babies moms around. Pro Athletes have hard times doing the right thing

Me: Wow. That's a really crappy view of massage therapists and athletes in general. Those women didn't ask to be assaulted. He is a bad guy and we shouldn't have hired him.

HB: Ok, as a woman’s view, what was the assault? I have not found or read any info

Me: Google exists.And these women are accusing him of unwanted sexual activity. That's assault.

HB: Ok, I will get into it

...

What are the odds he actually looked into it at all? And what is with men who think massages are all about "happy endings"??? Sure, there are women who do that. But most don't. 

I have an account on what some refer to as The Black and Red site, aka Kinky Facebook. I go through periods of being super active followed by periods of great dormancy. Recently I've become active enough that if you search for kinksters under my rather large city, my name is on the first page of results. 

This means a lot of random followers and private messages. 

This series highlights some of the more egregious, laughable, and downright bananas messages to show up in my inbox. When possible - that is, when I have not blocked the person or they have not blocked me - I will include pertinent details about the other person (spoiler alert, it's not always men). I will also include CWs when I think a message is potentially triggering.
...
​This one needs a warning. The exchange describes various forms of incest. 
Dude was about 10 years younger than me and his username referred to a "dad bod" so I will call him DB.
​
DB: Hello beautiful how you doing
Me: I'm okay. How about you?
DB: I'm doing good only one more day of work then off for the weekend
(I didn't respond as I didn't see much point. Turns out he wasn't done, however.)
DB (again): Have a wonderful night
DB (the following morning): Do you write taboo stories? I have a taboo fetish.
Me: A lot of things could be considered taboo. So it depends on your definition, I guess.
DB: Mom and son, aunt and nephew etc
Me: Ah, incest. No, not into that.
DB: Ahh ok
DB (again): What about milfs next door and mature milfs? I have a mom fetish lol
Me: Also a no from me. Basically, if it's not in my profile, I'm not into it.
DB: Ok
...
Somehow, that "ok" holds all the disappointment in the world. Such a shame as he seemed like quite a catch. 

It's pride month so I've been seeing t-shirts and other merchandise with the word "human" on them. Sometimes, the letters are in simple rainbow colors. Other times, each letter is a different flag under the LGBTQ+ umbrella. 

I started seeing these a few years ago, and they've never set well with me. I mentioned this to a friend the other day and they agreed, stating "they're very much like saying 'I don't see color.'" And this, in a nutshell, is precisely my problem with these designs. 

Yes, we're all human beings. But acknowledging that is the very baseline of respect that we can be afforded. It does not acknowledge the vastly different experiences and needs within the LGBTQ+ community.

As a cisgender woman, I'm never going to be questioned when using a public restroom or changing room. Finding clothing that fits is reasonably easy and, again, no one questions that I should be in women's clothing.

Further, as a white woman, I've never been followed around a department store or suspected of theft simply by existing. And my ethnicity is far less likely to be fetishized or seen as "exotic." 

That's my privilege. So while being a queer woman carries its own disadvantages and systems of oppression, I don't face the same challenges as so many others. Being a member of one marginalized community is bad enough. When you are part of several, the challenges are compounded. Addressing how these needs intersect is vital.

To ignore such differences is to ignore what it means to be inclusive. I know there are those who will say that doing so is, in itself, bigoted, racist, or divisive. But how can we meet everyone's needs if we don't listen to what those needs are? Or even acknowledge that they exist in the first place?

To be a true ally is to be intersectional and learn how to accommodate everyone.

I have an account on what some refer to as The Black and Red site, aka Kinky Facebook. I go through periods of being super active followed by periods of great dormancy. Recently I've become active enough that if you search for kinksters under my rather large city, my name is on the first page of results. 

This means a lot of random followers and private messages. 

This series highlights some of the more egregious, laughable, and downright bananas messages to show up in my inbox. When possible - that is, when I have not blocked the person or they have not blocked me - I will include pertinent details about the other person (spoiler alert, it's not always men). I will also include CWs when I think a message is potentially triggering.
...
This started about a year ago and is a little long, but I promise it's worth it. This woman identifies as a slave, is about my age, but lives in the UK. I will call her OJ, a reference to her username. The title of the message was "saying hello".

OJ (one year ago):Lovely profile and photos.I hope you don't mind my curiosity but I looked at your profile and I wondered if you'd ever been shared or whored out?
sorry for my nosiness and i hope you have a great day.

Me: What profile did you read?

1. I'm not particularly submissive.
2. I haven't been submissive to anyone in a long time.
3. Therefore, there is no one to "loan me out."
4. Finally, nothing in my profile shows any interest in being "loaned out" even I was serving someone.
5. Also also, we are on different continents according to your profile.

OJ: Yours.

1. Your profile lists you as "bottom" which normally equates to submissive
2. Fair enough
3. Copy that
4. one of your fetishes is sexual slavery
5. there is this wonderful communication technology that allows people to communicate even across the vast gulf of continents.

OJ (again): Thank you for your reply. I hope you are keeping well in these strange times and cheery bye x

OJ (a few months later): hello, how are you?

(Given our original exchange, I didn't bother to answer)

OJ (a few weeks ago): one year

Me: ??

OJ: two question marks

Me: What does "one year" mean?

OJ: it's a unit of time. One year = 12 months = 365 days.

Me: Why did you send it to me in a message?

OJ: Because you asked.

Me: The original "one year" message - why did you send it?

OJ: Because that's how long you've ignored me for.

Me: So?

OJ: Yes?

Me: You make no sense. Which is why I was ignoring you.

OJ: What part makes no sense?

Me: Any of this. Going back to ignoring you.

OJ: You have a lovely day. I'm glad you now what a year is. if you want to keep up your education on the words of the calendar let me know when you want the next word.
...

By the end of this, I thought I was losing my mind. I still can't decide what her deal is. 

I have an account on what some refer to as The Black and Red site, aka Kinky Facebook. I go through periods of being super active followed by periods of great dormancy. Recently I've become active enough that if you search for kinksters under my rather large city, my name is on the first page of results. 

This means a lot of random followers and private messages. 

This series highlights some of the more egregious, laughable, and downright bananas messages to show up in my inbox. When possible - that is, when I have not blocked the person or they have not blocked me - I will include pertinent details about the other person (spoiler alert, it's not always men). I will also include CWs when I think a message is potentially triggering.
...
​Only a little younger than me this time. But he had a blank profile that showed him very close to me, and he clearly can't read. Message was titled "hello".

Him: Good morning gorgeous
Me: Good morning.
Him: How are you doing today? Hope all is well
Me: I'm alright. How are you?
Him: I'm doing well, thanks. Relaxing. I work nights so I have the day to play lol. Great pics
Me: Thanks :)
Him: You are very welcome
(Really thought this was going to be the end of it. But then...)
Him: What are you looking for on here exactly?Myself, I'm looking for a continuous fwb
Me: I am mostly just here to keep up with friends and local events.
Him: Oh ok. I apologize if I bothered you hun
Me: Maybe read a profile once in a while and look at more than the pretty pictures.
Him: I did read it but I've found that quite a few people on here have multiple likes and are sometimes are open to new friends. Thank you, have a good day
Me: I am always open to new friends. You're the one who lost interest when I wasn't interested in sex.
...
That was it. So much for him wanting "friends".

I have an account on what some refer to as The Black and Red site, aka Kinky Facebook. I go through periods of being super active followed by periods of great dormancy. Recently I've become active enough that if you search for kinksters under my rather large city, my name is on the first page of results. 

This means a lot of random followers and private messages. 

This series highlights some of the more egregious, laughable, and downright bananas messages to show up in my inbox. When possible - that is, when I have not blocked the person or they have not blocked me - I will include pertinent details about the other person (spoiler alert, it's not always men). I will also include CWs when I think a message is potentially triggering.
...
This guy was much younger than me. Not quite spawn age, he called himself a "daddy." So, definitely not old enough for me to consider even if I was actively looking. Message was titled "miss you" and it was a pretty new profile. I suspected that title was part of his ploy and yet I gave it a shot anyway.

Him: Hey there! How are you?
Me: I'm okay, but... have we met?
Him: No we haven't and I'm kinda sad about that. You want to cheer me up someday soon?
Me: Not particularly since I don't know you. Just thought "miss you" was an odd intro when you don't know me either.
Him: Captured your attention, that was all I intended, and I'm not opposed to getting to know you on here for a while first. I didn't expect a "come on over " response, honestly I would have been terrified if you did reply back with that. So how is your day going so far? I enjoy the pics on your page by the way, thank you for sharing!
...
Not all attention is created equal. And if you're going to start with this sort of trickery, you're not going to get far with me.