The Myth –
I don’t know why people have to keep coming up with new labels for themselves. I can’t keep up. Besides, all these new words do is make us more divided than we already are. Can’t we all just come together and respect each other as human beings?
 
The Short Truth –
We all have labels. Parent, sibling, son, daughter, spouse, employee. These words help define us. And very often, they help us find the people who are like us. They can be powerful reminders that we are not alone in this world.
 
The Longer Truth –
If you are anything besides a straight, cis-gendered, neurotypical person, chances are there was a time when you thought you were the only person who had the same feelings you did.
 
Maybe you grew up in a religious household like I did where you constantly heard that homosexuality is a sin. Maybe you never felt like your body matched your mental image of yourself. Maybe you didn’t know there was a word for not feeling sexual attraction. Or you had a difficult time explaining why some days you just couldn’t find the will to get out of bed. Or why on other days you just had to organize every drawer and closet so that they looked “perfect.”
 
Whatever it was that made you different probably made you feel isolated as well.
 
And then, perhaps, there was a day when you happened on someone else who understood. It could have been an online chat room. It could have been a television show or pop song. Maybe it was family member, classmate, or neighbor.
 
Whoever it was, they made you feel less alone. They helped you understand what you were feeling and that there was a word for it. And hopefully, they helped you realize that you weren’t “wrong.”
 
The Dawning
I thought I was just sad.
 
I thought my desire to be tied up was dirty and wrong and very bad.
 
I thought I couldn’t also be attracted to women because I had only ever been attracted to men.
 
Depressive. Kinky. Masochist. Bisexual. Queer. These are all labels I wear proudly now because someone else dared to speak of them. Someone else dared to name the feelings. More recently, I discovered the term demisexual and adopted that as well. It’s only being sexually attracted to someone you have a close, emotional bond with, by the way. It explained a lot for me.
 
But the first time I heard these words? Or met someone else who used them? Revelations. Whole worlds opened up.
 
And they haven’t separated me from people. They’ve connected me to people who are the same.
 
Only The Beginning
There are people who will say that labels are too restrictive. That they confine us to simplistic boxes so that we dislike anyone not in that same box. Or that they limit us in what we think we can do.
 
I don’t think this is necessarily the case.
 
For me, labels are a jumping off point, a reason to ask, “what does that mean for you?” Just because people share a label doesn’t mean the impact it has on their lives is exactly the same. Calling yourself a writer doesn’t mean you’re necessarily a novelist. You can be a playwright, you can write fiction or non-fiction, etc. And every one of those categories can be broken down further and further.
 
Kink and sexuality labels are the same. I’ve met more than one lesbian who was married to a man (while calling themselves a lesbian). I haven’t known any of them well enough to ask their reasons, but it doesn’t matter. Their reasons are their own.
 
Labels aren’t one size fits all. Nor are you limited to how many you can use. The only limit is yourself.
 
Finding A Home
I’m not saying that people never form cliques based on labels. Or that subsets of a community never turn on each other. There is colorism in Black communities. And feminists who refuse to believe that trans women are real women.
 
But we have labels for those ideologies too. And it’s not the naming of them that divides us. It’s the people who believe in them.
 
Personally, I find it far more important that people who feel different or othered are able to find somewhere to belong. For me, that was the kink community and later, geeky communities. I fit in those places. They accept me and vice versa.
 
And within those communities are subsets where I may or may not feel comfortable. That’s okay too. I don’t need to be part of TNG kink groups (generally for people who are around 19-35 years old). I aged out years ago. I’m never going to try to crash the anime fan groups amongst the geeks either. Not my thing.
 
Marginalized people choosing to gather together based on what they have in common is a good thing. It means they’ve found a place to exist where they aren’t marginalized.
 
Conclusion
Labels may always be a point of contention for some. If you’ve never felt like an outsider, it may be difficult to understand the need to belong anywhere. Or you’ve worried about labels in the past and no longer do for whatever reason. Personally, I’m closer to the latter. I’ve found my people, my chosen family, and the specific labels seem less important than they used to.
 
But not everyone has that privilege. And someday, those labels are going to be someone else’s a-ha moment.

The Myth –
Kink parties and get togethers are very unwelcoming to newcomers. No one talks to new people – they just stick to the people they already know. How is anyone supposed to break through the barrier when there are so many cliques?
 
The Short Truth –
Kink groups aren’t so different than any other special interest group. It takes time to establish yourself and find your place.
 
The Longer Truth –
Kink encompasses a wide array of activities. People are naturally going to gravitate to others with similar interests. What looks like cliques could be the rope enthusiasts hanging out in one area, while people interested in D/s relationships hang out in another, and leadership is somewhere else entirely trying to plan the next month’s activities.
 
If you’re a gamer, think of it role players hanging out separately from video gamers hanging out separately from board gamers. It’s not so different. And you’re likely to see those groups at any kink event as well (seriously, kinksters are huge nerds and I say that as a nerd who loves nerds).
 
There may be other dynamics at play too. People have histories with each other. Depending on how often the group meets, this may be the only chance people have to see some of their kinky friends. The group I attend held several events a month in the before times, but not everyone goes to every event. So there are people I might not see for weeks and when I do, I want to spend time with them and catch up.
 
Which leads to my first point.
 
Attend More Than Once
People are busy. Well, we used to be. Between families, jobs, other social activities, most people don’t have time to go to every kink event offered. My group holds a minimum of two weekend parties a month. Then there’s usually at least one special interest group that holds their own party. Plus munches during the week.
 
It’s a lot.
 
Therefore, every event is going to have at least a slightly different mix of people. And sometimes, it’s just an off night. Not every party is going to be high energy. Everyone is dealing with life outside, or the group as a whole may be going through a rough time.
 
As an introvert, I’ve been to plenty of parties where all I wanted was to stick to my own little group of friends. Maybe it was a rough week at work. Maybe I have a specific scene planned and I’m mentally preparing for that. I try to be friendly to everyone, but I know I often fail.
 
Further, there is so much in kink that revolves around trust. And I’m not just talking about relationships or topping/bottoming. Lots of people don’t use their real names at kink events or are able to talk about their jobs openly. Be mindful of people’s privacy. You may be the most ethical, dependable person in the world, but no one is going to know that the first time they meet you.
 
Social Norms Still Apply
If it’s your first time in a dungeon or play space, you’re in for a lot of new sights. People might be naked, they might be getting tied up and beat, or set on fire. Maybe someone has set up a bootblacking station. It’s fascinating what we can figure out to do to each other. And if people are doing it in “public,” they probably don’t mind having people watch.
 
If it’s done respectfully.
 
Leering, standing too close to someone else’s scene, interrupting someone else’s scene, being too loud near someone else’s scene, touching people or toys without permission, are all no-nos. Different groups are going to have different rules too, so see if the one you’re going to has any type of orientation for newcomers.
 
My group has a special time set aside once a month where new people are greeted, given a list of rules, and a tour of the space. But no matter what party you come to, there will be someone around who will give a tour.
 
After that, it’s up to you. And just because you’re in a kinky space doesn’t mean all the conversations revolve around sex or even kink. Do you know how many conversations I’ve had at my dungeon about the most recent Marvel or Star Wars movie? A lot. I spent an hour one night just talking about Tom Hardy movies with a friend because we had just figured out we were both fans.
 
Be interesting. Read the room. Ask your questions but again, do so respectfully.
 
Not For Everyone
I’m a huge proponent of getting involved with one’s local kink community. None of them are perfect or any type of utopia, but it’s the best way I know to get to know real people and learn from them. If I had stuck to only trying to learn online (especially in the pre-Fetlife days), I never would have been aware of all the possibilities. I never would have met any of the awesome people I know or had most of the relationships I’ve had.
 
For me, going out to a dungeon was life changing and one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Was it scary? Of course. I was a single woman who, despite my age, was still incredibly naïve about a lot of things. And it absolutely took some time to find my feet, but I have learned so much about the world and myself since then.
 
Nevertheless, even I recognize that the public scene simply isn’t for everyone. Maybe you prefer to learn from books and videos, or only explore sensations with a partner, or simply aren’t a social creature. There are plenty of valid reasons for not getting involved.
 
Conclusion
But if you do decide to venture out, keep in mind that no one instantly fits in. We were all new once. Most of us remember those first tentative steps, no matter how long it’s been.
 
Give us a chance. As they say, we won’t bite unless you ask.

The Myth –
To be one of the cool kinky kids, I have to buy all the right equipment. Expensive leather floggers, hand-carved paddles, a custom whip. And then there are the clothes. Corsets, boots, leather vests. Who can afford all of that?
 
The Short Truth –
There is no such thing as essential equipment or clothing in kink. With a little improvisation and creativity, you’ll be amazed at what can be converted for kinky use.
 
The Longer Truth -
Anyone who has ever started a new craft, hobby, or sport knows the trap of getting pressured into buying the “right” supplies. But there’s a knack to figuring out what is essential and what is optional.
 
Kink is no different.
 
We’ve all seen the stereotypical image of the dominatrix in a leather corset and thigh-high vinyl boots wielding a riding crop or braided whip. But I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen this image come to life and I don’t remember the last time I did.
 
It’s not just the lack of in-person events lately either.
 
Kinky people tend to be highly creative and individualistic. As with the rest of the world, there will always be fads – I remember when branding was all the rage – but most of us are pretty comfortable in not being like everyone else.
 
What You Need
This is going to depend on what you want to do and how skilled you are. When you’re new and still exploring (and honestly, very few of us ever truly stop exploring), the wide array of kinky toys out there can be overwhelming.
 
Think about what you’re attracted to. Is it bondage? Impact play? Role playing and costuming? Something else? Whatever it is, there is an expensive way to do it but there is probably a way to do it on a budget too.
 
When I first started in kink, I knew a group that would go to Home Depot together. The challenge was to find something in every aisle that could be used for kink. The aisles with rope, chain, and padlocks were pretty easy. I imagine the aisles with home furnishings (ceiling fans, commodes, sinks, etc) were a little more difficult. Still, I thought this was brilliant. It helped you see alternative uses for everything. Soon, I was seeing that potential too.
 
There were the clothespins and clothesline I bought from Wal-Mart that made me feel very naughty and conspicuous. Little did the cashier know that I live in an apartment and hang damp laundry from my shower rod!
 
Okay, it wasn’t that daring. I know that now. But at the time? Ooh, baby. I was living on the edge!
 
Since then, I’ve bought my share of expensive toys. I have a couple of expensive floggers and impact toys. But what gets used more often? The $5 rubber mallet we got at a flea market.
 
Dressing the Part
The clubs I’ve gone to don’t have dress codes. I’ve never been to one that does, so I can’t speak extensively about them. But my impression is that, very often, they just want you in something nicer than jeans and your favorite band t-shirt.
 
On the other hand, I love corsets. I haven’t worn them regularly in years, but the snugness and feeling of hours-long bondage is right up my alley. Even so, I’ve never worn them regularly enough to justify spending the money for custom. There are plenty of places online that offer quality as well as decent prices.
 
Most of the time, I just want to be comfortable. And on any given night (again, during “normal” times), there are people in suits and ties, others in skimpy dresses, and there are those of us in comfy leggings or pjs.
 
It doesn’t matter. There is literally no law that says you have to dress a certain way. Find your own style and run with it.
 
Conclusion
There is no reason to spend hundreds of dollars on kinky toys and clothes. Hit up your favorite store’s kitchen aisle for spatulas, rolling pins, and more. Or use what you may already have around the house. Use thrift stores to create your own style. Your creativity is key here.
 
Even membership dues at local groups can sometimes be lessened by volunteering with them. Offer to help set up or tear down for a party. See if they need someone to help plan events. There are usually plenty of ways to help if you ask.
 
Let your kinky flag fly, but don’t think you have to go broke in the process.