First of all, it is not okay that it has been almost 20 years since the movie Secretary was released. How is it possible that 2002 was that long ago?

Now that we all feel old, let’s take a look at this film that shaped so many kinky lives.

Background
Despite being a child of the 80s and early 90s, James Spader wasn’t on my radar until well after I was an adult. I knew who he was. I even have an inexplicable memory of watching Sex, Lies, and Videotape with my parents as a teen. Who the hell thought that was a good idea?
 
But for some reason, he simply didn’t stand out until I came across him one random night on the Sci-Fi Channel. The movie was Supernova and suddenly, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I don’t remember much else about the movie, other than he and Angela Bassett had a surprising amount of chemistry, but I do remember going in search of his other films.
 
First, I went to my best friend, a fellow 80s child. “Watch Secretary and Less Than Zero – you will need a cigarette after,” she told me. And she was not wrong.
 
I’d heard of Secretary but didn’t know much about it. At the time, I subscribed to Premier Magazine, and I remember one of the headlines being, “Spader Does Another Weird Sex Movie.” I’m not kidding – I looked it up recently, sure I had to be remembering it wrong. I wasn’t.
 
So there I was – 2005, maybe early 2006, watching a man bend a grown woman over a desk and spank her. The result was a lot of conflicting emotions, and the only thing I was sure of was that I wanted that to be me.  
 
I just wasn’t quite ready to admit it to anyone.
 
Criticisms
The main criticism I’ve seen for this film is that it equates being kinky to having a mental illness. We literally meet Maggie Gyllenhaal’s character right as she’s being released from a mental institution because she has been self-harming.
 
Spader’s character has his own issues. He has clearly attempted this spanking routine on other women who have worked for him, and let’s just say it has not gone well. One of them has likely sued him over this as she comes in later demanding that he “sign the settlement.”
 
For people who had come to terms with their kinks before watching this, who had maybe been around the public scene for a while, I can understand where such criticisms come from. If I watched it for the first time now, I might have a similar response.
 
Seems like every police procedural has at least one episode where the killer turns out to be kinky. Those kinks are portrayed as a motivating force behind the murder. Clearly, such deviant and aberrant behavior should have been scrutinized sooner. Criminal Minds, especially, was always labeling unsubs as “sexual sadists.” Like that’s a bad thing.
 
It gets old fast.
 
But I recently rewatched Secretary, and there’s more to unpack than I had previously noted. Far too much to address here, but I will do my best.
 
Everyone is Damaged
There are no healthy coping mechanisms in this film except for kink. It takes most of the film for that to become clear, however, so let’s start at the beginning.
 
As noted, Lee Holloway (Gyllenhaal) self-harms. Despite whatever amount of time she has spent in therapy at the institution, she goes right back to it once she’s home. But she’s far from alone in her destructive behavior.
 
Her father is a violent alcoholic. Her mother has been the victim of his outbursts for who knows how long. And her sister, despite getting married in an opening scene, is still going to live at home (in the pool house in the backyard, apparently).
 
Lee’s bedroom is an escape. It’s frilly and girly and even a bit childish. But there are bright colors, ruffles, and glitter. Even her self-harm kit is decorated with stickers. Her age is unclear, but there are plenty of references to high school, as if it hasn’t been that long. I’m guessing she’s supposed to be around 20.
 
And yet, she’s never had a job. She doesn’t drive. She barely knows how to dress or do her hair. The only thing she is confident about is her ability to hide her scars and keep her activities private. She was only institutionalized because her mother caught her one time out of many years of practice. But the fact that she was attempting such behavior while doing dishes with her mother says a lot about her abilities – and her mother’s obliviousness.
 
Enter E. Edward Grey (Spader). What the hell kind of law does he practice? And how on earth does he ever get any work done with zero technology? Also, why does he have a “Secretary Wanted” sign outside that looks like a Vacancy sign outside a motel? The office also has a rodent problem, apparently. And he has plenty of time to tend to his orchids.
 
I’ve worked in my share of law offices. This is all weird.
 
And the red flags start immediately. Does Lee have an appointment for this interview? Why doesn’t he greet her out front? Why is she left standing the entire time? I would have likely walked out as soon as I couldn’t find the person who was supposed to be interviewing me. Or he asked me to make coffee – as part of the interview. Just … no.
 
But I’m not a naïve young woman trying to get her first job either.
 
Fixing What Needs Fixed
Before long, Mr. Grey begins to work on Lee’s confidence. And I don’t think it’s entirely so he can bring her back down later during his humiliation play. He addresses her “sewing kit” (funny how quickly he picks up on that, isn’t it?) and is even able to explain why she does it in a way that makes sense to her.
 
This is one of my favorite scenes in the film.
 
“Is it that sometimes the pain inside has to come to the surface and when you see evidence of the pain inside, you finally know you’re really here? Then, when you watch the wound heal, it’s comforting. Isn’t it?”
 
This is still one of the better explanations I’ve seen for being a masochist.
 
Afterwards, he sends her on a walk home. Alone. Without her mother who has literally been seen to wait in the car all day for her daughter. It may not seem like much to most of us, but it is something she accomplishes on her own, with no help from anyone else.
 
He also tells her – orders her even – to never cut herself again, as if that’s all it’s going to take. It’s not. But let’s face it, this is basically a fairy tale, so we don’t really have time for real therapy here.
 
Not long after this, the spankings begin. But we’ve already seen her confidence grow. She has started to dress like an adult. Her hair looks more professional and grown up. It’s not just the kink – it’s having someone truly believe in her.
 
Choices
We proceed to watch Lee continually choose to go back to Mr. Grey. There’s a difficult evening where she chooses to go to his house rather than harm herself. She can’t get the words out to tell him what she wants, but it’s clear. She’s looking for him to hurt her.
 
Later, she tries to convince him that she really does want to stay on and work for him. He’s the one ashamed of what they’ve done, not her. In fact, there’s a lot of shame in him over what he wants, and we see that over and over again too.
 
So she looks for other outlets. She seeks out other partners and apparently learns boundaries (there’s a guy who tries to pinch and squeeze her nipples before they even get to his car, and it’s pretty clear there is no second date). It’s a quick, montage-like scene of her figuring out what she wants.
 
And she does it on her own.
 
Further, I submit that the guy who asks her to tie him to a gas stove and throw tomatoes at him is one of the healthiest people in this film. He’s not ashamed of what he wants, he obviously knows how to ask for it, and it appears to work for him. The film doesn’t even seem to imply he’s wrong, just that the specifics are a little unusual. I say good for him.
 
Anyway, Lee runs back to Mr. Grey only after she has tried other methods of meeting her needs. Now she knows what she wants too. She’s confident in her desires, and when her fiancée asks why she won’t stop?
 
“Because I don’t want to.”
 
There is no longer any doubt or fear in her. She knows herself.
 
And the people who try to come to her aid? They all think they understand, that they’ve figured out what’s really going on, but they are all wrong. They all miss the mark. They’ve all taken one aspect of her behavior and tried to make that the whole of who she is. I love that her mother brings her peas, by the way. As if the peas themselves were ever significant.
 
At various times, I have been both Lee and Mr. Grey. I remember taking part in questionable and/or dangerous activities because I didn’t know any better. I remember when all this was new, and the sensations were exciting and weird and overwhelming. But I also remember a great deal of shame associated with my desires. I knew what I wanted long before I entered the kink community, but constantly felt like I had to hide or suppress them.
 
So you can see this film as just one more example of “kink portrayed as a mental illness,” but I get it. I identify with these people. And it is far more complicated than that.
 
That Ending
Like any good fairy tale, Secretary ends with our main characters living their best life together. He washes her hair, listens to her describe her scars, and then celebrates her body.
 
I find it all beautiful, erotic, and sensual.
 
The film finishes with Mr. Grey driving off for work and Lee sitting on their front porch. She stares directly into the camera. Despite some previous voiceover, she seems to address the audience for the first time. And she does it without a word.
 
I dare you, her expression says. I dare you to examine this and find the flaw.
 
This is not a perfect film. It probably shouldn’t be one’s introduction to kink. And yet, there is so much that it gets right. So if you’ve dismissed it before, maybe it’s time to revisit it. Look beyond the surface, beyond the spankings and the pony play.
 
Because my actual favorite part?
 
Kink isn’t treated as something that needs “fixed.” Instead, our happy couple learns to embrace their kinks and find healthier outlets for their desires. Kink can be beautiful and liberating and in the end, that’s exactly how it is portrayed. 

I recently saw a comment in a group for submissive women on Fetlife that stated many of the women there wouldn’t be feminists because of their submission. This was not a new sentiment for me, but it had been a while since I’d come across it. I feel like this is something I need to address.
 
I don’t see female submission and feminism as mutually exclusive. Far from it, in fact.
 
Submission as a Rule
Early in my kinky life, it occurred to me that the only aspect of kink that my mother was likely to accept was that I was submissive to my then partner. I never did admit it to her, not directly, though she was aware that the “necklace” I constantly wore was a gift from him.
 
I came from a conservative Christian household. My mother still does very little without my father’s input/approval. It’s not oppressive by any means. My father is one of the loveliest and best people I know. But I see this expressed in small ways, like the day she wouldn’t let me order snow removal for their house because Dad said it wasn’t bad enough. True, it was hardly a blizzard, but I also feel like this was a decision she could have made for herself.
 
“Wives submit to your husbands” was an oft quoted Bible verse throughout my many years in the church. It was a given that this was the way things were meant to be. Occasionally, this was also followed up by Biblical directive that “men love their wives as Christ loved the church.” The implication there, stated or not, was that Jesus had died for the church.
 
If that second bit was mentioned at all, however, it was generally as an afterthought. The burden was absolutely on the women but “you guys should do your part too, I guess.”
 
So I knew my place early, and I knew what was expected of me. As Carrie Fisher once said though, “I’m not as cooperative as you might want a woman to be.”
 
Once I left the church, this became truer than ever. I’m stubborn, obstinate, and only seem able to learn anything the hard way. Further, I’m an only child so, goddammit, I can do it my own self without any of your help, thank you very much.
 
And yet, I found that sometimes I did want to be told what to do. I still do. I like the structure. I like being accountable to another person.
 
Submission as a Choice
The difference, as I saw it then and still do, is choice. It is one thing for society or religion to impose certain restrictions on people – in this case, women. It is something very different to decide – with informed consent – to live by some or all of those same restrictions.
 
If you want your relationship to look like something out of a 1950s sitcom, I say go for it. Want to completely subjugate yourself to another? Cool. If it works for you, fulfills you, and makes you happy, I have no problem with it.
 
But once again, it all comes down to consent.
 
Women shouldn’t be forced into these roles. But they shouldn’t be forced out of them either. Both – as well as every possibility in between – are completely valid.
 
The problem, as I see it, is that everyone thinks that the decision they made for themselves should be applied to everyone. Or assumes that the other side is out to convert them.
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Options
I’ve often seen it said that “feminists look down on housewives/homemakers/stay-at-home moms/etc.” Insert your label here. As if we should all be out on the front lines fighting every battle that comes our way.
 
For me, that simply isn’t true. Neither is it true for most of the women I know. There has to be a place for everyone, regardless of what role they take. This is assuming, of course, that that role does not include stepping over or oppressing other women while you’re at it.
 
But it’s tough for women everywhere. Why make it worse by judging someone else’s choice? Just because it’s not a choice I would have made doesn’t make it a bad one. 

The Myth –
In order to get consent, you must sit down with the other person and meticulously go through each and every possible activity ahead of time, probably with a checklist. The items on this list will not change. What is allowed will always be allowed and what is not allowed will never be allowed.
 
The Short Truth –
Unless you have a checklist fetish, there are far more interesting – and fun – ways to make sure you have consent from your partner(s). But not all “consent” is created equal.
 
The Longer Truth –
Planned Parenthood has developed a model regarding consent that I really like. The acronym used is FRIES – consent is Freely given, Revokable, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.
 
I’ll explore those in a minute. But I feel it is also important to say up front that consent is for everyone. Men can have their consent violated. Sex workers can have their consent violated. Children can have their consent violated. Even people who identify as submissives or slaves – meaning they have given some amount (or all) of authority to another person(s) can have their consent violated.
 
Everyone is allowed to say no. To anything. At any time. You may or may not give an explanation. You may or may not be able to articulate the reasoning for days, weeks, or even years. Doesn’t matter.
 
A no is a no. And it’s not just about sex/sexual activity. We should be getting consent for any number of everyday activities. My friends and I routinely ask if hugs are okay. If I start a text conversation where I need to vent, or requires a lengthy explanation, I ask if the other person has the time/energy. 

Respect for boundaries is respect for all boundaries.
 
Freely Given/Enthusiastic
“Come on, baby. Do it for me. Just this once? I swear, I’ll never ask again.”
 
“But it’s fun! I’ve never had anyone say no before. You just haven’t had anyone do it to you the way I do it. Open your mind and don’t be so closed off!”
 
Can you figure out what’s wrong with these sentences? If you said everything, get yourself a cookie.
 
Questions regarding an answer of no aren’t inherently bad. If your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective. But pressuring them into a yes? Coercing them and making them feel inferior for saying no? Don’t do it.
 
A common activity in kink is electric play – sometimes, that’s with a tens unit but I’ve also seen actual cattle prods and stun guns. Regardless, it's a hard limit. No, I haven’t tried it. No, you can’t convince me that you can make me like it. There is something about electricity that legitimately scares me – and not in the fun way. I don’t fully understand it but it shouldn’t matter. For years, I had tops trying to talk me into doing it. All that did was make my "no" more adamant.
 
Same goes with everything from hugs to sex. If there is a threat – real or implied – then any yes you get is based on fear, not an actual willingness to do what you want. That yes was not freely given and it is not enthusiastic.
 
Revokable
As stated above, consent can be withdrawn at any time. It can be withdrawn in the middle of an activity.  It can be withdrawn due to the person(s) involved, setting, etc. Just because someone was okay with you hugging them last time you saw them, don’t assume they are every time.
 
I really like hugging as an example. It seems so innocuous. In my friends group, we hug each other even if it’s only been a day since we last saw each other (well, we did in the before times, that is). But it isn’t always that easy, is it? There are people I don’t want touching me at all. Sometimes I’m in a really fragile or vulnerable mood and any touch from anyone is likely to send me into tears.
 
Learn to ask. Every time.
 
Informed/Specific
“Wanna hang out later?
 
What do you think of when you see these words? Imagine we’re not in a pandemic and that we are free to get together in any way at any time. You know, like last January.
 
Personally, I see something different depending on who is sending the message. I have one partner who I get together with just to watch movies and snuggle. They’re a delightful human and I enjoy any time I can get with them, whether we talk comic books, the latest movie we saw, or our jobs. Our nights have ended in sex but generally not.
 
I have another partner who I regularly invite over to tie me up and beat me. There’s often dinner first, but the goal is tying and beating.
 
I have other friends who would use that invite to have dinner together or go shopping. Maybe go hiking.
 
So if I say yes thinking that all I’m agreeing to is dinner and then the person expects sex, there’s going to be a problem.
 
“But I asked if you wanted to hang out – what did you think I meant?” is not the proper response, by the way.
 
Be specific about expectations. Again, this doesn’t have to involve a checklist. My snuggle partner and I have been known to ask ahead of time what is on the table. Same with the tying and beating partner. We all have boundaries – sometimes those boundaries shift for whatever reason (health, mood, etc.).
 
Talk about expectations. Make sure everyone knows what they’re getting into.
 
Conclusion
I love clarity. I love knowing my partner and I want the same things. I’m turned on by open, honest communication. The feeling of being “forced” can be enticing but only if you want to be “forced.” Actual force? Actually pushing past my stated boundaries? Not okay.
 
For me, one of the sexiest words in the world is “yes.”
 
Imagine it. You’re in bed with someone who wants to be in bed with you. You’ve talked about it and you’re both ready for sex with the other. But maybe this is your first time together. Maybe you’re still discovering all the little ways to turn each other on. The other person leans in for a kiss and whispers, “is this okay? Do you like this?”
 
And actually waits for an answer.
 
That pause holds everything – trust, knowledge, intimacy, integrity, honesty.
 
How you answer is up to you.

The Short Answer –
The terms are too vague and too easily misused.
 
The Longer Answer –
First, an explanation. The above abbreviations are meant to describe different styles of kinky play. SSC stands for Safe, Sane, and Consensual; RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink; and PRICK stands for Personal Responsibility in Consensual Kink. There are others, but these are the ones I see most often.
 
These sound good, right? Safety is important. Being aware of the risks inherent to any type of play is crucial. Taking personal responsibility for one’s actions is vital. And of course, the thing that links them all – CONSENT. Consent is key.
 
But what does any of this actually mean? What effect do these terms have on the people who use them? On how they play? On how they handle mistakes and accidents? What follows are my impressions and interpretations of each. As always, your mileage may – and likely will – vary.
 
SSC
SSC has become the fluffy bunny of kinky play. When someone proclaims that they subscribe to safe, sane, consensual play – and it is often announced in a holier-than-thou manner – what I hear is someone trying very hard to be reassuring. It’s the socially acceptable, mainstream, version of kink.
 
“We’re going to talk about everything. I’m going to use this super soft rope and make sure you’re comfortable at all times. I’m going to check in regularly, and afterward we’ll snuggle and do all the aftercare you need with a fluffy blanket and chocolate.”
 
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of that. Those are all good things if that’s what you enjoy. But the phrase itself always comes off as a bit condescending to me. As if safety can be ensured. As if other, valid forms of play are somehow not sane – I’ve never been able to figure out where the line is on that, by the way.
 
What I do on a random Wednesday night might look extreme to some people. That doesn’t make it less safe or sane than anything else – If I consent to it.
 
Further, what is safe? There is an inherent risk in everything we do. I don’t care how soft the rope is or how fuzzy the flogger. Safety is more than physical. Your safety measures need to take mental triggers into account too and there is no guarantee that you will avoid those altogether no matter what precautions you take.
 
RACK
When I see someone claim to be a RACK player, I see someone with a puffed-up chest intent on conveying how cool, dangerous, and edgy they are.
 
“Look at me. I can suspend someone upside down without a net because I’m AWARE of the risks involved. I don’t do any of that sissy aftercare stuff. But of course I’ll respect your limits and boundaries – probably! Haha. Just kidding. No really, come back. It was a joke!”
 
Again, knowing the risks involved – all the risks – in anything we do is crucial. Some types of play have very specific ways of mitigating those risks (go to any class on fire play, for example). If you don’t know what those are, you have no business trying that sort of play.
 
But simply being aware is not enough for me. I need more. I need to know the steps you’re taking to protect everyone involved.
 
PRICK
To me, PRICK is just RACK’s even more obnoxious, ‘roided out cousin. People who use it are the same people who are proud of how sadistic they are. They are loud about it and treat topping like a competition. Mostly, I think they just like being associated with the word.
 
But again, I want to know more about what personal responsibility means to you. What actions are you willing to take? Will you talk me through an unexpected trigger? Will you call an ambulance if I need it? And do you really think that people who don’t refer to themselves as PRICKs don’t take personal responsibility?
 
Conclusion
As is so often the case, the real key is communication. Phrases like “safe, sane, and consensual” and “risk aware” are fine as shortcuts. But I’d rather talk – in plain language – about what we are going to do and what’s going to happen after. Especially if we’ve never played before.
 
What does safety mean to you? What steps are you taking to ensure it as much as you can? What happens if and when something goes wrong? Be specific.
 
More importantly? Show me. Show me by your actions that you know what you’re doing, that you’re aware of the limitations (yours, mine, and the space we’re in). Be responsible by checking in, check up after, and preparing for the scene (before, during, and after).
 
Vague words tell me nothing. What you do in the moment – and after – tells me everything.

A few words on consent
There is this idea going around that getting consent has to be dry and boring, and involves sitting with a checklist going over every possible activity with every possible part of your partner’s body. As if this must be separate from normal, getting-to-know each other conversation. And if spreadsheets and lists are your kink, I say go for it. I’m not judging. 
But let’s try reframing this scenario.
Ever had someone lean in and whisper, “Can I kiss you?” And then actually wait for the answer? Have you ever allowed your fingers to hover over someone’s flesh and asked, “Is this okay?” or “Do you like this?” Traded flirty texts with someone describing what you want to do to each other? Or talked about each other’s fantasies?
Guess what, all of this comes under the heading of getting consent. None of it is magic or a guaranty of anything, but it is proof that there are a million ways to ensure consent without a clipboard.
Consent is not one-stop shopping
Consent is not something you get once and never talk about it again. It is ongoing. Moods change. Bodies change. Dynamics shift between partners – what you are okay with from one person, you might not be from someone else. Different levels of trust may be involved. Context may play a part.
In short, the only way to ensure consent is to communicate.
And that means risking a no. This is not the end of the world. It doesn’t even have to be the end of a relationship.
Also – and this is important – a no is not an invitation to keep trying, keep pushing, or try to coerce a yes. A yes given under pressure is not a yes. A yes given under fear of retaliation if that person says no is not a yes. A yes given just to make the other person finally stop pushing is not a yes.
Think FRIES. A yes is Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.
Learn to live with a no
There are going to be people who turn you down. It’s their right. No one owes you anything, and you are not entitled to their bodies or their time. Again, a no does not mean keep trying for the same thing. All it means is that you two are incompatible on that point.
It may, however, be an opportunity to negotiate an activity where you are compatible. “If this isn’t okay, is there something you would prefer?” “Would you rather do xyz instead?”
Again, not a guaranty and not always applicable. Read the room. If all other signals say they are trying to leave the conversation and get away from you, let them. Go find someone else.
“But I can’t get anyone to say yes to me.”
Consider the possibility that the problem may be you. Either your approach, your hygiene, your general behavior, or some combination of the above. If you have someone you can trust to talk to about these things, do it. Come up with some ways to improve yourself.
“But I can’t find anyone at all.”
Try a new hobby. Join groups and online discussions. Get to someone and don’t immediately jump to sexual questions. It is rare that the other person will be into that, especially online. Specifically, women deal with men coming on to them all the time. Find an interesting topic to talk about from their profile. Look for common ground.
I can’t possibly cover everything here because there are entire books written on the subject. But I hope this is a good start and has given a few people more to think about.
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