A few words on consent

A few words on consent
There is this idea going around that getting consent has to be dry and boring, and involves sitting with a checklist going over every possible activity with every possible part of your partner’s body. As if this must be separate from normal, getting-to-know each other conversation. And if spreadsheets and lists are your kink, I say go for it. I’m not judging. 
But let’s try reframing this scenario.
Ever had someone lean in and whisper, “Can I kiss you?” And then actually wait for the answer? Have you ever allowed your fingers to hover over someone’s flesh and asked, “Is this okay?” or “Do you like this?” Traded flirty texts with someone describing what you want to do to each other? Or talked about each other’s fantasies?
Guess what, all of this comes under the heading of getting consent. None of it is magic or a guaranty of anything, but it is proof that there are a million ways to ensure consent without a clipboard.
Consent is not one-stop shopping
Consent is not something you get once and never talk about it again. It is ongoing. Moods change. Bodies change. Dynamics shift between partners – what you are okay with from one person, you might not be from someone else. Different levels of trust may be involved. Context may play a part.
In short, the only way to ensure consent is to communicate.
And that means risking a no. This is not the end of the world. It doesn’t even have to be the end of a relationship.
Also – and this is important – a no is not an invitation to keep trying, keep pushing, or try to coerce a yes. A yes given under pressure is not a yes. A yes given under fear of retaliation if that person says no is not a yes. A yes given just to make the other person finally stop pushing is not a yes.
Think FRIES. A yes is Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.
Learn to live with a no
There are going to be people who turn you down. It’s their right. No one owes you anything, and you are not entitled to their bodies or their time. Again, a no does not mean keep trying for the same thing. All it means is that you two are incompatible on that point.
It may, however, be an opportunity to negotiate an activity where you are compatible. “If this isn’t okay, is there something you would prefer?” “Would you rather do xyz instead?”
Again, not a guaranty and not always applicable. Read the room. If all other signals say they are trying to leave the conversation and get away from you, let them. Go find someone else.
“But I can’t get anyone to say yes to me.”
Consider the possibility that the problem may be you. Either your approach, your hygiene, your general behavior, or some combination of the above. If you have someone you can trust to talk to about these things, do it. Come up with some ways to improve yourself.
“But I can’t find anyone at all.”
Try a new hobby. Join groups and online discussions. Get to someone and don’t immediately jump to sexual questions. It is rare that the other person will be into that, especially online. Specifically, women deal with men coming on to them all the time. Find an interesting topic to talk about from their profile. Look for common ground.
I can’t possibly cover everything here because there are entire books written on the subject. But I hope this is a good start and has given a few people more to think about.
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