First, Do No Harm

When I entered my local BDSM community, there was a line I heard often from tops and dominants. It was, "I want to hurt you, not harm you." 

As a budding masochist exploring a wide variety of intense sensations, this distinction was important to me. It was part of how I justified to myself what I was doing. I would go through long stretches where bruises from my last scene barely had time to heal - or were still visible - and I would play again. I would have marks from multiple tops, sometimes overlapping, sometimes simply in different places. 

Marks have always been a point of pride. Tangible proof that I could endure. Visible reminders of meaningful exchanges and events. I can still list some of my favorites and vividly recall what they looked like. 

Whether the bruises last days or weeks, I never feel harmed. There are experiences I don't want repeated and others I would gladly take on over and over again. I regret none of them because I never felt harmed. I have felt release, sometimes sexual but often not. I felt cared for, loved, cherished, admired, desirable, beautiful, and so much more. 

But harm was always something to be avoided. In my mind, harm would equal abuse. Harm would imply I hadn't consented or at least hadn't enjoyed what was being done to me. 

Imagine how taken aback I was recently to hear a top insist that heavy impact play is inherently harmful. With some consideration, I came to understand this view to an extent. After all, technically, the body is being harmed - hence, all the bruises. Emotional states can be temporarily harmed as well - hence, the drop, questions, and doubts that so often crop up along with the physical contusions. 

Further, I wouldn't want to underestimate the effects of these activities around new people. Heavy impact is dangerous. It takes skill. Precautions need to be taken. And I'd rather err on the side of clarity so everyone knows what they are getting into and can give informed consent.

What's more, language and attitudes evolve and shift over time. So I'm not trying to say that no one should ever consider what they do harmful. 

But. 

Personally? I can't get there. No matter how long some of the bruises last, or how many days I sit  little more gingerly than normal because of them, I don't feel harmed. Hurt? Yes. Absolutely. Battered, crushed, cut, marred, pained, scratched, tortured? Sure. I'd even accept damaged on occasion. 

But for me. It's not harm if I asked for and enjoyed it.