Why Safewords Alone Are Unreliable

The short answer –
By themselves, safewords are vague and give an inadequate amount of information.

The longer answer –
Safewords, people in the kink community will tell you, are one of the foundations of kinky play. They should be agreed to early on and no one should be afraid to use them – top, bottom, switch, etc. How will your partner know that something is wrong if you don’t yell out “red” or “pomegranate” in the middle of a scene?

But what do these words really convey? What does “red” or “stop” or whatever you have decided on, mean? What happens when they are invoked? Having a safeword is an excellent start, but it is only part of what should be a much larger conversation.

I know, this isn’t what anyone wants to hear when they’re excited about jumping into play. But understanding why people safeword, how they safeword, and their expectations after safewording can save a lot of headaches later on.

Why Safeword?
The reasons for invoking a safeword are as varied as the people involved in scenes. And yes, this goes for the person topping as well as the person bottoming. Anyone can safeword at any time. Reaching a pain threshold, medical emergencies, hitting a mental trigger, or someone crossing a negotiated boundary are all valid and excellent reasons for stopping or pausing a scene. Maybe you’re just not feeling it or are uncomfortable for some reason. Doesn’t matter. No one should feel pressured to continue if they don’t feel safe.

How to Safeword - 
When I think of safewording, the image that leaps to mind is someone on the receiving end of pain who has suddenly had enough, is self-aware enough to know this, and yells out RED! All action stops, partners calmly and rationally talk about what went wrong, the bottom’s needs are attended to, and everyone goes on with their lives.

This is the industrial training film version – contrived, unrealistic, and unlikely to ever happen in the wild.

I am a bottom and a masochist. I also have the combined stubbornness of Italian, German, and Irish genes. I will grin and bear whatever you come at me with and find a way to be okay with it.

That’s not always okay, by the way. And in my many years of experience, I have technically only safeworded once. I said “red” to end a scene because the pain had stopped being fun. Even then, I needed help in saying the word. I often protest with words like “don’t,” but my pleas had taken a serious shift. Noticing this, one of my tops guided me to the one that would stop everything.

“That’s not the safeword,” he said gently. “You know what the safeword is…what is it?”

“Red,” I told him. It wasn’t loud, but he heard me. And, just like in the training film version, everything stopped, I was guided to the floor, and attended to.

I learned a lot about myself from that scene. Later, I would realize how crucial having two competent tops had been. Someone else might have ignored me, waiting only for that one word without realizing that I couldn’t get there on my own. Someone else might not have known how to communicate with someone in my condition.

Yes, I was lucky. Nothing about that memory is a negative for me. Even the resulting bruises that lasted more than a month.

And from then on, I’ve been able to tell tops that if I hit that alternate headspace some of us go to in order to process pain during a scene – usually called subspace – I am unlikely to offer information. I don’t quite go nonverbal because I can answer questions when asked, but I can go deep into my own head.

And this is important. There can be a point – maybe especially for us masochists – where you barely feel the pain anymore. And it is at that point that damage can occur without anyone realizing it. Expecting someone to be aware enough to verbalize that a scene has gone too far can be unrealistic. Tops and bottoms need to pay attention to responses and know how to deal with them.

Of course, not being able to speak can be physical as well as mental. If gags are involved, how can someone be expected to safeword? Make sure you have alternatives to speech – examples I’ve seen is having the bottom hold a rubber ball, keys, or something else that will get the top’s attention when dropped.

Something that has been key for me has been check-ins during a scene. These can be tricky, especially when you’re in that really good groove and everything seems to be going great. Stopping to ask your bottom “are you still okay?” can break the mood.

My favorite method of checking in? Squeeze my hand. If I squeeze back, I’m good. If I’m slow to, or don’t at all, I probably need more attention. It’s effective at gathering information and doesn’t break the flow of a scene.

Finally, I may be stubborn but there are signs that even I can’t ignore. I like to tell tops that I am more likely to call “foot cramp” than “red.” In other words, I prefer plain language that makes my needs clear.

And while I may have only used “red” once, I have lost track of how many times I have said “that rope is too tight” or “I need to be in a different position.” If possible, I shift and make these adjustments myself. If I can’t, it’s time to get my top involved.

And that’s what “red” doesn’t convey. There’s no nuance to “red.” It’s vague. All it says is that something is “wrong.” But what if it’s not some big emergency? What if it is and you end up needing medical attention?

Find out what “red” – or whatever safeword you decide to use – means. Make sure everyone is clear on this definition. Know that this definition may change depending on who you are playing with. Expectations are crucial.

What to Expect After Safewording
As stated, a break in the action may be just that – a break. Shift the ropes, change the implement being used, and move on.

For a lot of people, “red” means “stop the scene.” For others, it means “enough with the cane already, motherfucker!”

If one of you says “red” expecting that all action is going to stop – and the other person grabs a paddle instead of the cane – there’s going to be a problem. Make it clear up front what you mean by “red.” Does it mean stop everything or stop that particular action?

Definitions are important but know that those definitions are going to be slightly different for everyone. Red may be a signal that something is wrong – but what is wrong, what needs to be done about it, and what happens next needs to be communicated as well.

Conclusion
Again, the answer for me has been to use plain language. If you’re worried about going nonverbal during a scene, there are ways to avoid it – having a top that keeps you engaged with some sort of communication or physical movement can help with this.

But at the end of the day, you have to know yourself. You have to be self-aware enough to know what your needs are and what your typical reactions are. There will always be unexpected reactions, but if you know what’s normal, you will know better how to manage the surprises. It takes time. It takes experience. And it often means moving slowly and experimenting with new sensations.

Communicate. Make sure everyone is on the same page. Only then should you proceed.