Teachable Moments or: A Tale of Two Wayward Scenes

​I will never deny the inherent dangers in kink. It’s why we talk – before and after a scene. It’s why we negotiate and insist on getting consent. Mistakes can and will happen. But for me, it’s what a person does with those mistakes that tells me whether they are a dangerous player.
 
Learning is a Process
Whatever your profession is – or what your favorite hobbies are – chances are there is always more to know. I don’t care how passionate you are or how long you’ve been practicing, there is something you haven’t explored, some new information out there waiting.
 
The same can be said for kink. I’ve been around communities for going on 15 years. There’s plenty I still have to learn. Some of it involves activities I’m simply not interested in. But it’s not limited to those things. There are aspects of consent, perspectives of people with experiences vastly different from mine, that I know I’m still ignorant of.
 
When you’re new, it’s worse. You likely don’t even know all the right questions to ask. You don’t know who to trust. Maybe you don’t even know what you want or what you’ll end up enjoying. I know I didn’t.
 
The result was a lot of trial and error. Thankfully, not a lot of errors. But two exceptions stand out.
 
The Scene Where I am Almost Turned Off of Rope for Good
I’ve said it before, but when I first entered the world of kink, all I knew was that I wanted to be tied up. It’s still one of my main fetishes. So, it’s hard to believe that a single incident could have changed that.
 
And yet…
 
One of my earliest public scenes involved getting suspended. It was … okay. A lot of rope tops – and bottoms – will tell you that suspension is the be all, end all of rope play. For me, it wasn’t. Possibly, it had something to do with the top, but it’s not something I’ve explored a lot since. There are far more effective ways to make me happy with rope.
 
Let’s call this top Jack. He was around a lot at the time and, to my naïve eyes, appeared to be skilled. We played a couple of times. The last time, he tied a rope corset around me then proceeded to bend me over a bench and flog me.
 
It was hot until it wasn’t.
 
The rope was too tight, the position too strenuous. I knew something was wrong and alerted him. But he couldn’t remove the rope before I passed out. I woke up surrounded by people and was told he’d had to cut the rope off of me. Apparently, this had been rather disappointing for him.
 
Even later, all he could do was complain about losing some of his rope. My recollection is that we barely talked about it, and he certainly was not interested in making anything better. He was anxious to move on and, of course, replace his rope.
 
Me? I was freaked out that I had lost consciousness. I was also grateful to have been in public with people who did prioritize me over toys.
 
Jack and I never played again. In fact, I barely saw him in public after that.
 
The Scene in Which I Negotiate on My Back
Kate (not their real name) was a presenter from out of town at our big, weekend event. We had barely interacted before, but somehow I found the courage to approach her for a scene after an early class.
 
She agreed, but we each had other places to be. So, we proceeded to negotiate a little at a time throughout the day. We’d catch each other in the halls during breaks and ask quick questions. It was perfect as I didn’t have to think of everything right away. I had time to think about what would be okay and what wouldn’t be.
 
And I still missed things.
 
The scene was physical, more dynamic that I generally played at the time. We occupied a leather bondage table and despite her knife being pointed at vital organs, I squirmed and fought to get away.
 
And that knife? It had a sharp point, but dull sides. She used it to slash across me as a mind fuck because in that moment, a knife across your stomach seems scary no matter what.
 
Eventually, she held me on my back with the knife above my eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut, but she demanded I look up.
 
“Hard limit,” I said. “I hate having my eyes messed with.”
 
She moved on. Without argument and without any attempt at coercion, she continued the scene without incident.
 
Let’s count all the ways that could have gone sideways. First, I’m normally too far into my own head to negotiate mid-scene. But Kate had interacted with me in a way that kept me in the moment. Further, my eyes are super sensitive. Any attempt to involve them likely would have snapped me out of an alternative headspace anyway.
 
Second, Kate wasn’t bothered by being told no. Another top might have been angry that they hadn’t been able to do whatever they wanted, that I hadn’t negotiated better ahead of time. They might have blamed me for “ruining” the scene.
 
And yes, I’ve seen all of those reactions and more. But not here. Kate took my no with grace. I still remember this scene fondly.
 
And me? You bet your ass I have negotiated eye play ever since.
 
Teachable Moments
I learned a lot from both of these scenes. I learned about my body and its reactions. I learned how to better negotiate. I learned how fluid a scene can be. And I learned how a good top responds to a problem vs. a bad top.
 
It’s all in the response. Because that first scene? It didn’t have to be remembered as one that went wrong. If Jack had talked to me about how to do better in the future, if he had shown as much concern for me as he did his rope, I might have played with him again.
 
In the moment – even in the immediate aftermath – I didn’t blame him. He couldn’t have known how my body would respond because I didn’t know. It was one of those inadvertent, unintentional mistakes that sometimes happen. The difference was that I learned from it and he didn’t.
 
Kate? I would play with her again in a heartbeat. No questions. Because her response was the textbook right way to handle the situation.
 
Making mistakes is human. Handling them well is an art.