Patterns

Warning number 1 - what follows includes discussions of sexual trauma, consent violations, and triggers. I have tried to keep it from getting too graphic, but please proceed with caution.
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There was a point, just as the Me Too movement was taking off, that a story ran about how widespread the problem really was. It wasn't simply confined to Hollywood, the writer noted, it ran across industries and businesses across the country. I don't remember what publication ran this, but the writer seemed to be truly surprised at this news.
My response? No fucking shit. Welcome to the world. Because I don't know a woman who wasn't well aware of this already.
In kink spaces, it usually takes about five minutes to figure out there are predators among us. Because all too often, they are the first ones to "welcome" a fresh face. Those new people who are still navigating their way through their own desires, who don't know all the ins and outs yet.
Who don't know their own limits.
Who don't know that they can say no or walk away.
Who are so eager to be accepted that will stay in bad relationships .
But enough about me.
There is a podcast out called Catch and Kill, hosted by Ronan Farrow. It's based on his book of the same name and details the investigation and eventual take down of Harvey Weinstein. At the beginning of each episode, there is a warning. What follows will include discussion of sexual violence. Take care of yourself while listening.
And it is absolutely a difficult listen. Episodes are short, but I've been able to only get through one or two at a time before having to move on to something lighter. The last episode I was able to listen to, however, broke me.
It was about the patterns Weinstein established in his relationships with women. Women who were former assistants of his, actresses who hoped to make a name for themselves, colleagues. The women speaking loudest against him are not stupid. They were not naïve when they first came across him. He had a reputation but, one way or another, he was able to hurt them.
The patterns felt eerily familiar at first. I'd seen some of them. But as the women continued to discuss Weinstein's ability to be charming, to be nice when it suited him, show self-awareness when it was to his advantage, I realized that I had intimate knowledge of this pattern.
The first person I dated in the scene has since been banned from events in at least three states. He's even been banned by a group he helped found. We dated for about a year, and I watched his behavior grow steadily worse after the split. There were patterns that were immediately clear, behavior I hadn't always agreed with, but nothing egregious. Not to me.
Let me be plain - nothing we did was nonconsensual on my part.
Looking back, I could see times when he could have taken advantage of me and didn't. I took this as proof that I got him early. Before he was truly an awful person. I saw his behavior as being on a spectrum and felt I had got him in transition. Maybe he hadn't been a good guy when I met him, but he wasn't a bad guy either.
But I don't think that's the truth anymore. Having listened to women discuss an undeniable predator, use similar adjectives and descriptions as I have on my ex, it slowly dawned on me.
I was being groomed.
He was a local leader, he knew people. He could introduce me to other powerful people and make many of my fantasies come true. Being with him was to be accepted. It was an instant in because he was important. How could I be sure of any of that without him?
Mother. Fucker.
And yet, I'm not angry at him. I'm past all that. I'm angry at me. Angry I didn't see this sooner. Angry that I got taken in just like so many others. Angry at how often I stood up for him, especially right after we split because I didn't want to be the "bitter ex". How many people did I tell he was safe to play with? How often did I hold up things we did as being good?
Goddammit. I am wrecked. And I know I can't go back. There isn't a single bit of that that I can change. But right now, I need to feel this anger. I need to let it be a lesson. I need to let it fuel my efforts to make sure all kink is consensual. Because that fight is so far from over