I don't care about your good intentions

They say you get more conservative as you get older. 

Some people might. My parents certainly have. But me? I've done nothing but attempt to unlearn all the conservative horse shit I was raised with. From narrow-minded views on sexuality and gender, to generalizations around race, it was all there. And it is all slowly being erased. 

Throughout the entire process, there have been a couple of points that have stood out in particular. 

The first is to listen. Just shut the fuck up and listen to marginalized communities and basically anyone with a different perspective from yours. It's not always easy, and you will definitely be uncomfortable (at the very least) but it's worth every bit in order to gain even a little empathy. And once you start to see things from other sides, you can't unsee it. Absolutely earthshattering. 

The second is a simple enough phrase but it opened up EVERYTHING for me. It's that intention does not equal impact. 

Think about that. What you intend with your words and actions actually means very little. If someone else is in pain, is in fact damaged or harmed, because of your actions? It fixes nothing to say, "but I didn',t mean it!" 

And yet, every day, I see someone defend themselves by using the phrase, "it wasn't my intention to..." I've seen people claim that accidents weren't their fault because they didn't intend what happened. Okay, but the thing still happened. The impact is that property was damaged or destroyed - you can't undo that just by saying you didn't intend it to happen. This is not a personal example, by the way, only something I saw online and was floored by. 

There's nothing inherently wrong with the phrase either. There are even times when it can be used to strengthen an apology, but by itself? By itself, I hear it more often as an excuse, as if those words alone should be enough to absolve someone. 

They're not. 

Worse is when this phrase - or something like it - is followed by a "but." We've all heard it - "I don't mean to be racist but..." "I'm not trying to be sexist but..." The but negates everything that comes before it. Yes, every time. 

I've done it. I know I have. And I've come a long way in eliminating these phrases. For me, however, just seeing the words "intention is not the same as impact" was a game changer. It absolutely affected how I saw most interactions. Now, I find myself using it with others on a regular basis. 

Maybe now you can too.