How to Build Trust in Kink

I was watching TikTok recently when someone asked a dominant, who was doing a livestream at the time, how one builds trust in kink relationships. I didn't love the guy's answer - it involved having a bottom call out a fake safeword at the beginning of a scene just so they would both know what that looked like and what would happen. Which is to say, everything would stop, and then they would go on with the real scene. 

Eh. Okay. Maybe. If someone were new, that might be a good thing. But no one ever did that with me, and I'm kind of glad they didn't. 

As usual, I prefer direct communication and plenty of it, especially before a first scene with someone. And most of the time, you're not negotiating every aspect of every possible activity at this point. For one-off scenes, or even potential ongoing play partners, I tend to be playing with them for a reason - they do something I'm into and I want to experience it with them (and vice versa). 

Say that thing is rope or other bondage. Questions might revolve around experience levels on both sides, what the goal of the scene is, what about bondage turns us each on. Is the goal to be immobilized or is the goal for the rope to look pretty? Are we aiming for gentle rope or something with a little more bight (see what I did there?)? Will other types of play be involved, such as impact, knives, etc.?

Even if you're new, if you're interested in a specific type of play, you've probably seen it done and will be able to talk about why it appeals to you. You may not be able to go into great detail but this is where leading questions come in. Maybe it just looks interesting and you want to try it - that's a plenty good reason. But I think a good top will delve into the specifics so they know what is and isn't allowed. 

In other words, negotiate. Sometimes, negotiations for a specific scene will take multiple discussions over an extended period of time. I've had other negotiations take only a few minutes. It's going to vary.  And it definitely gets easier as you gain experience and have a better idea of what you want and are looking for. 

However long negotiations take though, they should take place before the scene. Before clothes start coming off and the adrenaline starts pumping. Talk to each other with clear heads in a safe place.

Further, while negotiating, pay attention to how the other person answers. You're not only looking for compatibility, but how the other person handles incompatibility. You've come together to set boundaries and limitations as well as discuss all the things you hope to do together. If you set a boundary and they try to talk you into doing that thing or shame you for having that boundary? End it. If it's a boundary you're comfortable pushing, then what you do with their response is up to you. But me? I'd be done.

Here's an example - I don't do electrical play. There's something about it that is legitimately scary to me about it, and it doesn't interest me at all. It's a hard limit for me. I'm all for other people enjoying it, I know there are safe ways to do it, but none of that has changed my mind yet.

You know what else hasn't changed my mind? Tops who insist that I need to try it with them. That doing electrical play the way they do it will make me a convert. Nope. Try to move that boundary with me and all that does is reinforce why it's a boundary. It also means I trust you less and am less likely to do anything else with you. 

Something else that has been a big turn off for me is tops who want to start at my limits. Say that I've mentioned that I can stay in a hogtie for an hour (this is a completely made-up limit as I have no idea how long I can stay like that). The other person says, "cool, let's put in you in a hogtie for an hour then." 

Eh, let's not. To me, that shows zero creativity. Why start at the max? Why not enjoy working up to that? Why not build the intensity in other ways? Maybe incorporate knives, impact, or some type of humiliation. Building trust means knowing you won't push me past stated limits. Starting at the end gives us nowhere to go. 

And this is a good rule overall - when starting to play with someone new, go slow. You don't have to do all the things all at once. As a top, you want to leave them wanting more. You want them to want to come back to you. As a bottom, you're confirming that other person's skill level. You're both building trust by showing each other you can handle the less intense stuff. You can build on that from there. 

Kind of like the rest of life. Do you meet someone and go on a week-long cruise on the second date? Probably not. You start with coffee, maybe a meal or a movie, and build from there. Kink isn't a lot different - only the context and activities change.