Blurred Lines

I love my nerds.

There are few places I feel more at home, more at ease, than when I'm surrounded by cosplayers, gamers, and comic book experts. I am none of these things, but I do have my fandoms and we just seem to get each other. 

One of the reasons for this is that the Venn diagram of nerds and kinky people is practically a circle. I can put my books out at a geeky event and barely anyone bats an eyelash. Equally important is that you can assume a certain level of awkwardness among us nerds. If you measured awkwardness on a scale of 1-10, most of us operate at a 2-3. 

And that's on good days.

The point being that we all understand. When we're together, we're not judged, no one looks at you askance for minor verbal missteps or badly timed silences. It's all good because we're all on the same team(s).

However. There is a very fine line where socially awkward becomes creepy. Unfortunately, it's not always clear where that line is. I've been known to stare off into the distance when I'm writing and realize too late that another vendor or attendee is in my line of vision. When I'm in that zone, I can completely block out the flesh and blood people in front of me in favor of the imaginary people talking to me in my head. When that happens, I apologize and try to get my awkward levels back down to an acceptable place. 

There are perpetually one or two people around who set off my creepy radar though. And it can be difficult to know what, if anything, to do about them. Do I warn others, including organizers, based on a suspicion? What do you do when the line is so blurred you can barely see it?

Here's an example. There's a guy I see maybe once a year. I'll call him P. I've known him since my early kink days because we got together a couple of times. And yes, by got together, I mean he came over and we played with rope and pain. I don't think there was actual sex, but we did a lot. Enough that he was utterly convinced that, because I enjoy being held down and overpowered, I had rape fantasies. 

I assure you, I do not. It's fine if you do, but the fact that I couldn't convince him that I knew myself better than he did was one of the reasons I quit seeing him. He was also unreliable and flaky.

And this was about the time I started to see someone who would become an actual predator in the community. I was a long way from knowing that, but he was. I'll call him J. We would develop an actual relationship and be together about a year. 

Early on when I was with J, I heard from more than one person that P had said he had "let J have me because he decided we were no longer compatible." 

Let's break down how much is wrong with this sentence, shall we?

First of all, I am not an auction item to be bid on. 

Second, P didn't end anything. If anyone did, it was me though we weren't serious enough for there to be anything to actually end. 

Finally, in light of what would eventually come out about J, this is a really bad take in retrospect. Hindsight being what it is, I can't blame P for that one but it does leave a bad taste in one's mouth.

I didn't see P around for probably a couple of years. But when I started vending, I noticed him coming out more regularly. He would come by, try to chat me up about this or that, and I would engage only as much as I had to so he would leave me alone. 

Eventually, he got the hint. Now, he barely acknowledges me and I am good with that as he seems to be blissfully unaware of how much he dances on that line between awkward and creepy. For one thing, his current partner - who he's been with for many years - is significantly younger than him. Like young enough to be his daughter. They've been together long enough that it is less weird than it is used to be, but again...it checks a couple of creepy boxes for me. 

But that's really about it. He's bad about social boundaries and clearly has an age-gap fetish (hey, if he can make assumptions, so can I). That's all I got. It's not enough to tell anyone, "don't let him into your event." 

I can talk to others who know him, talk to my friend who was vending near him, and I can rant here. In the time since I first started thinking about this, some of my fears about him have been assuaged. Doesn't mean I have to like him personally. And it doesn't mean I won't commiserate when others find him creepy too.

Because lots of times? Lots of times those red flags pop up for a reason.