Backed Redux … Chapter 9

With Seth gone, I sat in my chair and cried until the tears no longer came.  I wept out of fear, for what I was losing, and what I knew could possibly be gained. For all I knew I was on the verge of greatness instead of ruin but even that possibility was daunting. Amazing how frightening the prospect of happiness could be.
 
I opened the blinds and stared out the window, losing myself in the lights and the swarms of people all trying to find their way to what they thought would make them happy. They were all chasing their dreams and wishing for just a little bit of luck to get them through, an escape from their usual routines. 
 
I was chasing my own impossible dream. But it wasn’t money that was calling me – for the first time in my life, money was the least of my worries. It wasn’t even romance I was chasing, at least not in the traditional sense of the word.
 
I was quite literally being given a second chance at life, a new beginning that I could create from the ground up. I could reappear in a new city and make up any background I wanted, be anyone I wanted to be. It was inconceivable to me that just three days ago I had woken up to the same old alarm clock and driven the same old route to a job I had settled for because I thought it was the best I could do. Hell, I had settled long ago for merely existing instead of truly living, and I finally had a chance to change all that.
 
But was it really going to change? What would stop me from falling back into old patterns, no matter where I went? I had this image of myself as a strong, independent woman but was that accurate? And could I become the person I wanted to be without someone like Seth? Looking out into the world, I couldn’t help but be struck by the contrasts. In one direction were lights as bright as day. In another, the lights faded into an absolute blackness where the city disappeared into the desert.
 
Looking inside, I saw the same contrasts between who I told myself I was and who I had actually become. Both versions held some truth – it all depended on which way you looked.
 
I stood up and stretched. I needed to go for a walk and clear my head. I fixed my hair, which had flattened from sleeping on it, and grabbed my coat. It was colder at this time of night and the familiarity of the leather was a comfort. I grabbed a key and then spotted the briefcase full of money. It didn’t seem quite right to leave it out in the open, sitting on the bed. I wanted to hide it, or at least get it out of plain sight, but where? I briefly considered taking it with me but it was heavy and I didn’t know how long I would be out. I put it in the small closet instead, and closed the door.
 
I walked out of the room, rode the elevator down to the lobby, and felt real freedom for the first time in days. But I still didn’t know what direction to go in. Outside, I checked for landmarks first so I would be able to get back. This would not a good time to get physically lost.
 
I quickly learned that casually strolling around this city had its pitfalls. People constantly shoved fliers in my hands for shows, casinos and escorts. They were unavoidable. After an hour or so of trying to find some peace, I gave up and returned to the hotel, throwing all the papers into a garbage can outside.
 
Back in the room, I found Seth perched on the edge of one of the beds, waiting. “Where were you, Dani?” he asked. He didn’t look angry. Not yet.
 
“I needed some fresh air,” I said as I removed my coat and hung it on the back of a desk chair. “Though I couldn’t get a moment’s peace out there.”
 
“Where’s the money?” he asked solemnly. It was the same tone that had torn through me like lightning earlier and my gut tightened a little in panic. What if the money was gone? Nervously, I opened the closet door and pointed at the briefcase with a sigh. This time, I really hadn’t done anything wrong. “Right here,” I said. “It seemed foolish to leave it just sitting out.”
 
“You know I thought the worst,” he said.
 
Of course he had. But why hadn’t the closet been the first place for him to look? Maybe he hadn’t been back that long. Maybe he’d already found it and was testing me. It was hard to say. “I guess I’m not surprised,” I said as I crossed the room. “But I didn’t have a way to contact you and I assumed you’d be gone longer.”
 
I felt like I had been sedated. All the tension, all the anxiousness was suddenly drained from me and I was at a loss as to what to say next. All I knew was that I was still afraid of Seth’s reaction. “Do you want to hit me now?” I asked.
 
“No … no, of course not,” he said. I don’t think he knew how to respond either. “Did you eat anything?”
 
“No,” I answered. “Nothing looked all that good.” Honestly, I hadn’t even bothered to look at the menu.
 
Seth stood and picked up the laminated sheet from the bedside table. “Not exactly the best menu in the history of room service,” he said. “What does sound good?”
 
The question could have referred to anything from dinner options to the giant life choices we were both facing, but I didn’t have an answer for any of them. “I honestly have no idea,” I said finally.
 
“Is your stomach bothering you again?” he asked. He was trying so hard to be helpful. but I didn’t want to talk about food. It seemed like the least important topic.
 
“I don’t want to talk about food, Seth,” I shouted.
 
“Then what?” he asked. His eyes curled up in confusion.
 
I chewed my lip while I considered my answer. Still, the only answer that stuck out for me was New York City. With or without him, I felt like I had to take a chance there. When else was I going to have this opportunity?
 
“How do we get me to New York?” I asked.
 
“We drive,” he stated as he paced. “We take our time, pick up some things at our respective places along the way, research apartments while we’re here. One step at a time.”
 
There was so much I could have done in the car if only I had a smart phone. But the ensuing and inevitable lecture would not have been worth mentioning that. “I’ll need to look for a job too,” I said.
 
Seth’s phone buzzed and he glanced over. He shot back a quick response, then returned his attention to me. “That was Emily,” he said. “She’s nearby and can meet me in about half an hour. I need to know what name you want before I go.”
 
Oddly enough, choosing a new name had been among the easiest parts of this entire process. I’d chosen Lucy because it had been a beloved grandmother’s name. For a last name, I had combined a couple of family names from dad’s Italian side. In that way, I was able to retain my heritage, and pay homage at the same time.
 
I told him the name and he jotted it down.  
 
“How about you come with me and we can get dinner after?” he asked.
 
“I was actually thinking of turning in early,” I said.
 
Seth arched an eyebrow. “Are you up to something? If you are – ”
 
“No,” I assured him. “I promise. I’m just really tired. Do you mind? Would you rather I come with you?”
 
“Tell you what,” he said. “I’ll look up apartments tonight too, and if you drive tomorrow, I’ll make some calls depending on what I find.”
 
“Sounds good,” I said.
 
With no idea what we’d be able to afford, or even what to look for, it was an excellent plan. The smile I put on was wan and fake though.
 
Seth stepped toward me. In another context – hell, earlier in the day – his looming figure would have been intimidating. It still was, but the concern on his face betrayed him. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
 
“Everything is happening at once,” I said. “I need a minute to process some of it.”
 
He retook his seat on the bed across from me and folded his hands. “When I’ve made this sort of move, it’s been with a great deal of thought and planning,” he said. “What you’re doing is difficult, but I think it’s the right thing for you.”
 
Oh god, that was his version of being supportive and reassuring, I realized. He was either out of practice or had never been good at it because what I needed was a kind shoulder, an ear to listen to my concerns. Because it wasn’t simply the practicalities of forming a new identity that concerned me. There was an emotional toll as well that I couldn’t quite put into words for him.
 
“Thanks,” I said, the wan smile still in place.
 
“Order something if you want,” he said before he left.
 
I didn’t. Instead, I turned out the light, slipped under the covers, and cried myself to sleep. Later – much later – he would tell me that he’d had Emily meet him at our hotel, then sat outside the door for nearly an hour in case I attempted to abscond with the money.
 
The thought never occurred to me.

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Again, no big changes, but I did feel it was important to see Seth go out and get her new identification documents. Or at least address when it happened. We see none of that process in the original, only the pickup. Upon re-reading, I realized it was something that needed at least a sentence or two. 

Is it still unrealistic to expect that process to take a single night? I'm sure it is. But I wasn't abandoning them in Vegas for longer than I had to. Far more important events await.