Backed Redux … Chapter 8

At the base of Paul’s hotel was a row of shops selling everything from cheap souvenirs and knickknacks to nicer clothes and accessories. One of them also happened to have walkie-talkies, presumably so families could keep track of one another when phone coverage was spotty in the casino. We bought a pair.
 
“My warning from earlier still applies,” Seth told me. We stood not far from the shop’s entryway, and he spoke in hushed tones so that passersby couldn’t overhear. “If you try to approach him, signal anyone, the consequences will be the same. Tell me you understand.”
 
Again, I felt like a child, but I was sure that pointing this out would only get me sent back to the room – and not in a comfortable, sleep-inducing way either. “I understand,” I replied.
 
Seth looked over my head and smiled broadly as if catching a friend’s eye or perhaps sharing in the celebration of a slot machine spitting out winnings. “If you see him, do not do anything except contact me on the radio. Is this clear?”
 
The smile remained. Anyone who saw us would have thought we were making dinner or entertainment plans. Meanwhile, I had to concentrate to keep my voice from shaking. “It’s clear,” I said.
 
“And try to blend in,” he continued. “Don’t look like you’re looking for someone – gamble a little if you want but –”
 
“Seriously?” I was astonished.
 
“A little,” he said with more emphasis and passed me a few bills. The kindness seemed to be genuine now, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. “Stick to cheaper tables or, if you must, slot machines. What do you know how to play?”
 
“I’m decent at Blackjack,” I said.
 
“Not bad,” he said. I think he even looked a little impressed as he pointed towards a large bank of slot machines. “Just don’t waste too much time with those little thieves. It’s harder to people-watch at them and the odds are horrible. If you join a table, try to get one near a wall where you can get a good view of the room. And don’t make me sorry I trusted you again.”
 
I grinned as I whispered back, “Got it.”
 
“Good,” he said quietly as he walked off towards his own search. I do love to watch him go, I thought.
 
I started to wander myself, looking for a good vantage point. I noticed Seth glance behind him a couple of times to make sure I was still there, but I pretended not to notice. 
 
Blending in turned out to be pretty easy. There were people from all walks of life – all ages, all nationalities, all races – milling around. We were all tourists, and it was no use pretending to be anything else. I wasn’t even the only wide-eyed newbie who didn’t know where to start. I overheard conversations at a few tables with people who asked for clarification or specifics regarding the rules of whatever game they were trying to play. Surely I can do better than that, I thought.
 
I stopped at a craps table first. Someone was on a roll and it was easy to blend in with the rest of the crowd, all of whom were just hoping that a little bit of that good luck would rub off on them. The lucky streak ended shortly after I arrived, but I lingered a little longer and watched as someone else started their own streak. I’d never understood the game and was hoping to pick up something that would help me appreciate its appeal. I didn’t.
 
In search of somewhere to park myself awhile, I found a blackjack table with a low minimum that was near a wall. I jumped into a game during the next hand and even I was surprised when I won.
 
And just like that, the appeal of Vegas revealed itself. I had theoretically understood how winning could be addictive, but I felt the reality of it for the first time. Back home, I’d only been to the casino a couple of times and I’d either watched others or played around with a few slot machines. Now, I stuck around at blackjack, winning about half my hands and even coming out ahead a little. All the while, as the other players were doubling down, splitting aces, and folding, I kept an eye on the area around me.
 
During one of my scans of the room, I spotted a familiar face that was not Seth. About 20 feet away, Paul stood at a poker table and seemed to be debating whether to sit down and play. Although it hadn’t been that long since I’d seen him, it felt like it had been years, and I was surprised for a second to find that he hadn’t changed. He was still an average-sized middle-aged guy, stocky with short dark hair and bad stubble that he thought made him look young and hip.
 
I almost didn’t know what to do. I fumbled around and found my walkie-talkie after immediately folding the hand I was playing. I tried to keep my eye on Paul without staring. It was like a dream. And then I was so fixated I started to leave my table without my chips. The dealer had to call out to me, and I jumped back eagerly and apologetically.
 
I looked around for landmarks to guide Seth to where I was. “I think I found something,” I said to him.
 
“Where?” he asked.
 
“A hot little blackjack table near the south entrance,” I said. “It turned cold for me, but I think you could make a killing.” The phrasing was absolutely deliberate as I hoped Seth would unleash his violence streak somewhere else. God knows, I wanted to unleash a little of my own on Paul. If only my voice would stop shaking.  
 
“I’ll come check it out,” he said.
 
At that moment, Paul made his decision and headed away from the poker table. I followed him with my eyes but quickly lost him in the crowd. I moved forward, still trying to be nonchalant, and spotted him going towards some slots. I clicked the walkie-talkie button again.
 
“You know, I think the nearest slots are looking better,” I said. “I’m heading that way now.”
 
There was no answer, but I was sure he heard me and would understand. I tried to keep one eye on Paul and also look out for Seth – who I hoped would be approaching any minute – at the same time. I watched as Paul put a few coins in a slot machine, then shrugged and walked away when he didn’t win. I kept following, keeping as much distance between us as I could, sure he would turn around and spot me any second. He never did.
 
Seth caught up with me and I nodded silently in Paul’s direction. In my head, this moment led to a dramatic chase, complete with overturned gambling tables and screaming tourists. But Seth remained composed as we followed Paul through the heart of the casino toward the hotel lobby. When he started toward an exit leading to the garage, Seth whispered for me to stay in the casino and get out of sight.
 
As I walked away, I again expected to hear the sounds of mayhem behind me, the two men shouting threats at each other, hell, maybe even gunshots. Instead, I heard Seth’s boots as he jogged to catch up with Paul and I heard him exclaim, “Hey buddy! Good to see you again!”
I didn’t know what to do. I hovered near the entrance to the casino and tried to look normal, reminding myself that people only see what they want to see. I looked down and realized I was still clutching my meager winnings in my left hand. I spotted a stack of small paper buckets near some slot machines nearby and grabbed one. I couldn’t immediately spot a place to cash out, and I didn’t want to wander too far from where Seth had left me.
 
With my back still to the lobby, I heard Seth’s voice and pretended to be engrossed in a nearby slot machine that was spitting out someone else’s winnings. “We should get to that meeting though – wouldn’t want to be late,” I heard him say.
 
I glanced behind me and in the direction of his voice. Their backs were to me as they walked off together, Seth’s hand briefly on Paul’s back to guide him. I was left in total awe. When they disappeared down a hallway marked for elevators, I looked around to see if anyone was staring but they weren’t. It had been perfect.
 
Now, the question was what to do until Seth got back. I thought about trying my hand at the tables again, or even the machines, but I knew I would be too distracted. My book was back at our hotel, and I wasn’t interested in any of the travel brochures that were lying around.
 
I took my little bucket of chips and picked out an empty, overstuffed chair in the lobby, then sat back and simply people-watched for a while. The groups that really puzzled me were the tourist families. What could kids do at a casino? There were people who looked even more out of place than I did, and didn’t seem to know the first thing about gambling. I didn’t understand them either. 
 
On the other end of the spectrum though were those – mostly men – who walked in as if on a red carpet. You could see them practically expecting people to bow before them like servants. In the casino, and especially at the tables, they would snap their fingers for drinks and expected to be catered to ahead of everyone else.
 
Their arrogance reminded me of every two-bit dominant I’d ever come across, the type who thought all women were not only submissives but specifically placed in their path to serve them. Seeing the type here was every bit as nauseating as it had been in a dungeon, and I silently wished them horrible luck in all their games.
 
Seth, however, wasn’t like that, I realized. He had been right that I had brought most of my trouble on myself. But he wasn’t cocky or arrogant. He had a way of letting you know who was in charge without being obnoxious about it. His strength was quiet, controlled. Most of it came through in his mannerisms and how he held himself.
 
That he was also dangerous was unmistakable. Especially up close.
 
The longer he was gone, the more I wondered whether he had decided to leave me on my own after all. Just as I started to fear the worst though, I looked up to see him striding toward me with a wry grin. He carried a very large briefcase, similar to ones I had seen lawyers use to carry their bulky court documents.
 
I stood as he approached and quietly asked, “Is that…”
 
“Yep.” He allowed the grin to stretch just a little.
 
I stared at the briefcase. “Seriously?”
 
“Yep.”
 
“Now what?”
 
He pointed toward my chips. “First we cash you out, then we walk out and go back to our own hotel,” he said quietly. Turns out the cashier hadn’t been as far away as I had thought – if I had just turned a corner, I would have spotted the window.
 
As Seth led the way to his car, my eyes darted around the area, sure someone had noticed something out of the ordinary. The amount of money he was carrying had to stand out, even in a place like this. Wouldn’t it glow or send some sort of high-pitched signal only gamblers could hear? Apparently not.
 
When we got out to the car, I was still astonished that no one had stopped us. If not for carrying so much cash, at least for whatever Seth must have done to Paul. I looked at his hands for signs of a fight and didn’t see any. There were so many questions fighting in my head for priority that I was left speechless.
 
“It’s a good thing we spotted him when we did,” he said. “He was on his way out of town – apparently, he thought he’d put this in a safe place and then pick it up later.” He patted the briefcase which I now held in my lap.
 
 “Me,” I said. “I spotted him.” What can I say? I was feeling bold and knew I had a right to be just a little cocky.
 
“True enough,” he answered. “And it was a good thing you did.”
 
It was a small concession and I didn’t want to belabor the point. Instead, I asked what I really wanted to know. “So, what did you do to him?”
 
Seth looked surprised. “Nothing, really,” he answered. “He asked how I’d found him, and I was vague about that. I took the briefcase from him, counted the money, and here we are.”
 
“You are really good at that vague thing,” I said. “But didn’t you have to beat him up or anything? You know, handcuff him to the bed?”
 
“Paul threatens easy, kind of like you,” Seth said. “I had my knife and as long as it was pointed at him, he was quiet and left me alone.”
 
What he had done to me had been easy? Maybe for him, I thought. I would have to think on that some more later. But the rest of his answer still felt insufficient. I let that go too. “And why won’t he come after us now? Can’t he tell the cops we just stole all this?”
 
“He could,” Seth said. “But it wouldn’t get him very far. Any number of guys have the same basic physical description as I do, he doesn’t know what car I’m driving, what hotel I’m staying at or what name I’m using. Doesn’t give anyone much to go on, does it?”
 
“Wait,” I said. “What do you mean what name you’re using? Do you have aliases?”
 
“I have a couple of identities at my disposal, yes,” he said.
 
“So, couldn’t he give them all to the cops and have them after you?”
 
“If he knew them, but even then what would he say?” Seth asked. “That I took money that he can’t prove was ever in his possession in the first place?”
 
He had a point. But that was a lot of new information.
 
We got back to the hotel and walked in as casually as we had walked out of the previous one. I was getting used to how easy it was to do this.
 
Back in the room, Seth removed the light jacket he was wearing and hung it on the desk chair like he was Mr. Rogers. I found I was more surprised at his nonchalance than that of the people we had passed on the way in. But I suppose he had expected to get the money back all along. It had probably never occurred to him to consider any other outcome. Hell, he’d expected it days ago.
 
I sat down on the edge of the bed and watched his movements, trying to discern whether all that calm was also directed at me. It was impossible to tell. “Are we good?” I asked nervously.
 
Seth sat down across from me, hands in his lap, exactly as they had been earlier. This time, he allowed a small smile to creep up the corners of his mouth. “Yes, we are. You did well today.”
 
“Because it’s hard to tell,” I said. “Like, do I still need to be afraid of you, or – ”
 
“No,” he chuckled. “No immediate threats. I was proud of you today. You should get some rest though. Maybe think about where you want to go next. Meanwhile, I need to make a couple of calls, and then I’ll be hitting the hay myself for a while.”
 
“Jesus, how old are you?” I joked.
 
“It’s a phrase my mother used to use,” he replied. “I’ll be right outside, and – oh, where is your ID and other documents I asked you to bring?”
 
I stood silently and got my driver’s license from my purse, then my birth certificate and the rest from my suitcase.
 
“Leave them out,” he said as he opened his phone. “I don’t think I’ll need them right away, but I want to know where they are.”
 
“Got it,” I said. Naturally, I wanted to know more. Like who he was calling and what was going to happen with my ID. But I was too tired. My last thought before I was unconscious was how weird the past 24 hours had been.

            At some point, I woke up to find that Seth had returned. I hadn’t heard a thing. He lay on his back, arms up over his head to reveal the entirety of the knife that was so often at his belt. Although I had caught glimpses of it before, I hadn’t been able to see the details. The handle was black, made of some material I couldn’t immediately identify. It looked like it might be onyx. There were also inlaid precious stones cut in the shape of the four card suits. All of this was framed in silver which extended into what looked like a brass knuckle grip. It was impressive, as intimidating as anything else about him. I assumed it was the one he’d used on me and told myself I would have to ask him about it later.
 
And with that last thought, I passed out again to the sound of his usual snoring.
…
We both slept peacefully for several hours. By the time we woke, it was supposed to be dark outside but even this far from the strip, the glow of the lights was clearly visible from our window. I sat up on my elbows, wide awake, hungry, and sure I would never get back to a normal sleep pattern. Looking at the clock, I realized it was a time I would typically be going to bed.  Given the time difference between Vegas and Ohio, which I still considered home, I would have been asleep for awhile, certainly not getting ready to greet the day. Or night, as the case may be.
 
“I’m turning into a vampire,” I said as I stood.
 
“Why do you say that?” Seth asked. He lay on his side, his fist supporting his head. I explained. “You’ll be able to get back to normal pretty quick,” he said. I wondered what normal even meant anymore.
 
Suddenly everything was moving a little too quickly for me. I had expected it to take longer to find Paul, longer still to actually get the money from him, if he still had it at all. I wouldn’t have been shocked to find there were more steps to the process, more leads to find and follow. The question of what would happen next was far more pressing than it had been just a few hours ago.
 
“Now we just have to figure out how much of this is your cut,” Seth said. He sat up on the edge of the bed, stretched, and yawned.
 
My vague apprehension was replaced by surprise. “You were serious about that?”
 
“Of course,” he said. “You did well back there and proved yourself by alerting me instead of him. But like I’ve said, I’m not used to partnerships.”
 
“Right, so I suppose splitting it 50/50 is out of the question?” I asked hopefully. “I am the one who found him.”
 
Seth didn’t just laugh, he guffawed. “After all the trouble you’ve been, yes, it’s out of the question,” he said. Once he recovered, he added, “But you have more choices to make, too. You need to decide whether to return to Ohio and your old life – along with all the hassle that will now entail – or start over out here somewhere – with all the hassle that will entail.”
 
This was going to be my toughest decision yet on this trip and I was shocked to realize that my first instinct was to ask Seth what he wanted to do. I assumed he would be going back home, and I wanted to be close to him. The thought of being separated from him now was surprisingly upsetting. I looked at the clock again – I had made it almost 12 hours without crying.
 
Seth seemed to sense my reluctance and put his hands on my shoulders. “There’s no easy choice here,” he said. “No matter what you do, you’ll be starting over in a way.”
 
“It’s not that,” I said. “It’s … well it’s everything, really. I don’t know how to explain it.” It dawned on me that starting over didn’t mean life would be better or easier, only that there would be whole new ways to fuck up. I also knew that going home would mean too many questions that I didn’t know how to answer. But I also wondered if it might be the only way to keep Seth in my life. 
 
He'd made a reference to wanting to get out of Cleveland himself. Naturally, the phrasing had been vague. This memory brought still more questions.
 
Because why did I want him in my life at all when we’d done nothing but argue the whole way here? I’d considered us friends before, but that no longer felt accurate. He’d been a better friend on this trip, both despite and because of what we had been through, than he had in the year and a half I’d known him.
 
Further? I regretted not letting him fuck me in Iowa. More than ever, I needed a good fucking.
 
I opted to start with easier questions. “How does it work if I move?” I asked.
 
“We’d create a new identity for you for starters,” Seth said patiently. I realized it was at least the third time he’d mentioned the necessity of a new identity while I continually and conveniently kept forgetting that aspect.
 
“Couldn’t I do that in Ohio?” I asked.
 
“You could, but I wouldn’t recommend it,” he answered. “Too much risk of running into people you know.” He paused to let that that sink in. It made sense once I thought it through. “It’s also more likely that you’ll fall into your old patterns if you’re in the same location. I think in order to make a clean break – a real clean break – a person needs a completely new environment.”
 
I noticed he was careful not to make that last statement personal, like he was giving me advice. He didn’t say “you need a new environment” but he might as well have.
 
I finally asked the question I wanted answered the most. “And what about you?”
 
He looked at me and it was clear that he saw right through me, saw exactly how important his answer was to my decision. “I’ll refrain from answering that for now,” he said solemnly. “I don’t want to influence you too much.”
 
And that’s when I knew – I wanted him to influence me. I wanted him to be a huge influence on me, and I was suddenly very afraid that he would slip away and I would never see him again. That he would be merely a footnote in the story of my life, and that I would be left in some unfamiliar place all alone. I imagined him dropping me off on some random street corner with only a suitcase and a pocket full of money. Realistically, I knew it would be different, but I also knew I would feel abandoned if he wasn’t with me.
 
“I want this to be your decision, Dani,” he continued. “I don’t want you to be swayed by me. Consider the options. Take some time to think them over, and I’ll answer any questions you have.”
 
I was even beginning to enjoy his god-awful speeches. In my head, I was screaming for him to tell me what to do. In the real world, in this swiveling hotel room chair in Las Vegas, Nevada, I was silent and unmoving.
 
I pulled myself together. The tears were close, but I knew that crying on him yet again wasn’t going to solve any of this right now. “If I don’t go home, do I … well, do I have to stay out here? I mean, can I pick where I go next?”
 
“Within reason,” he said. “I only mentioned staying here out of convenience. If you want to go somewhere else, we can talk about that.”
 
Full of too much energy for our tiny hotel room, I began to pace. “I – I need direction,” I told him. “Somewhere to start. Pros and cons, something. It’s too big a country otherwise. If you give me ideas, I promise not to automatically go with one of them. Just give me something. Because I also – I also need to know where you fit into all of this. Just – just tell me again how I’m not doing this alone.”
 
Seth sat down on his bed and motioned for me to sit across from him. “Let’s break this down,” he said. “I still say a new place will be the most beneficial. You’ve lived in Cleveland all your life, right?”
 
I nodded.
 
“Is there anywhere else you’ve ever dreamed of living?” he asked. “Some place you’re drawn to?”
 
There was. Immediately convinced he would disapprove, I began biting my nails rather than answer. The reason for my hesitation must have shown on my face. “Don’t worry about what I’ll think – just say the first place that came to mind,” he said.
 
“New York City,” I told him.
 
Seth’s eyes widened, and he blew out a breath.
 
“You hate it,” I said. It wasn’t a question.
 
“It’s impractical,” he said. “That doesn’t mean we can’t make it work.”
 
“We?” I asked hopefully.
 
“I will help you get set up – new identity, the works,” he said. “I’m going to meet with an associate tonight and give her your documents. We should have something by tomorrow if she works at her usual speed. But once you’re settled, I don’t plan on sticking around.”
 
I narrowed my eyes at him. “But you mentioned you were planning on leaving Cleveland – where were you planning on going?”
 
“We’re not talking about me,” he said. He spoke quickly, almost too eager to move on. “Now, if you moved to one of the burroughs – ”
 
“What was your plan, Seth?” I asked.
 
He met my eyes with a new attempt at reassurance. “There’s no reason I have to leave Cleveland, if that’s what you’re thinking,” he said. “It’s more of an internal alarm. I get restless and it’s – it’s just time.”
 
“Were you going to say anything?” I asked. The world narrowed then until we were the only two people in existence. My words were barely audible, like a frightened child.
 
“To who? You mean you,” he said.
 
“To me – to anyone,” I replied. “Were you just going to disappear without a word?”
 
“Probably.”
 
My heart sank, and I felt the sting of tears. More than anything, I looked forward to the day I had fewer reasons to cry. “Oh.”
 
“It wouldn’t have been personal, Dani,” he said.
 
Unsure whether I wanted the answer to my next question, I nevertheless needed to hear it. “Will I – will I get any notice before you leave wherever we end up?” I asked.
 
“Yes – this will be different,” he said.
 
Forced to rely on his promise to never lie, I chose to believe him. “Where were you planning to go?” I asked.
 
“I was leaning towards Southern California,” he said with a chuckle.
 
Of course, I thought. We would have to have opposite sides of the country in mind. But California had never appealed to me at all, despite my love of movies. “You must have been kind of happy when we ended up out here then,” I said.
 
“You’re changing the subject,” he snapped.
 
“I want to stay with you,” I blurted out. “I know that sounds childish or silly or – I don’t even know what. I know it doesn’t make sense. But that’s what I want.”
 
Seth stood and ran a hand through his hair. “You’re saying that because you’re depending on me,” he said. “It won’t last.”
 
Maybe it was because his back was to me, but there was an unexpected sadness to his words. As if he was referring to more than our specific situation. He seemed to believe this was an indisputable fact about himself. That he was difficult – nay, impossible – to live with, and didn’t want to disappoint me.
 
Or I was overthinking again. I hoped I was. But this wasn’t a decision I could make while he hovered near me. I needed to be alone and process everything. Okay, processing everything was going to take longer than a single night. But I would make more progress without him.
 
I told him this, and he offered to go to the casino for a few hours to “win back some of the money Paul managed to lose.” He patted the case of money and grinned with a confidence I had come to expect from him. Even told me to get room service if I wanted it. I agreed knowing full well I was unlikely to bother.  
 
As he left, he seemed to genuinely understand how difficult this was going to be. There were no threats, no talk of whether he could trust me to stay in the room. He just gripped my shoulder in that way men do when hugging seems too intimate, and walked out.

------

This is one of the few early chapters that didn't see huge, substantive changes. The only change  I really wanted to make in this section of the book was impossible. Dani going to the very websites that Seth had forbidden and then getting chained to the bed felt more unrealistic this time. I didn't think she would defy him in such a way after what they had gone through. But it comes up too often, and in too many important ways - right up through the most recent book - to take it out. 

So I made Seth's threat more real. Why would he continue to bother with her at this point? He had to be ready to move on and leave her, and we had to feel that. Just as importantly, so did Dani.