Backed Redux … Chapter 5

When I next looked up, the sun was streaming through the back window. It seemed that all I had done on this trip was sleep and yet, I wasn’t rested. My mind was heavy, my stomach empty, and there were too few ways to alleviate either of those. “Where are we?” I asked.
           
“Still in Iowa,” Seth said, glancing over. “You weren’t out long. How do you feel?”
           
“Groggy,” I said and pushed myself to sit up straighter. My head throbbed from lack of caffeine, and I reached for the pop bottle that still sat between us.
           
“Do you need me to stop? Get you something to eat?” he asked. “It would probably help. If you can keep it down, of course.”
           
“I don’t think so,” I told him. “I’m hungry, but nauseous, if that makes any sense? Like, I want to eat, but I feel like I’d be done two bites in.”
           
Whether he understood or not, he shook his head. “Let me know,” he said.
           
I nodded slightly and realized too late that he probably couldn’t see me. I didn’t care. “What’s the word on Paul’s flight? Any news since last night?” I asked.
           
“Nothing,” he said. “I should call Nat about that.”
           
Eager to prove my usefulness, I asked, “Do you want me to do that?” I mean, at least dial for you? I don’t even know if she knows who I am.”
           
“Sure,” he said, and drew his phone out of his jeans pocket. “It should be the last number called.”
           
Such a simple act, and I felt like I had been entrusted with precious cargo. Between my nerves and the fact that I hadn’t used a flip phone in years, however, it took me a minute to find the right buttons. I waited for the other side to start ringing, then handed the phone back.
           
“Hey, Nat,” he said after a second. “What? It’s earlier here than it is there … Iowa. Any update on Paul or his flight? … Can’t you check from home? …
           
The tone of the voice on the other side sounded annoyed, and it was temporarily gratifying to know that I wasn’t the only person who considered Seth to be a pain in the ass. Reaching into the back seat, I found the last of the Girl Scout cookies. The box was almost empty, but maybe it would be enough to calm my stomach.
           
“Alright,” I heard Seth say. “Let me know what you find out.”
           
There were a few departing words – not entirely friendly from the other side – and then he flipped the phone shut and returned it to his pocket. I was still giggling when he looked over at me. “What’s so funny?”
           
Unsure of where his patience levels were – and how much of that impatience was directed at me – I shook my head. “Nothing,” I said.
           
We rode in silence then for several miles. The victory had indeed passed, and my thoughts once again grew heavy. When I finally spoke again, it was with great hesitation. “I – I have questions,” I started. “And I – I’m not even sure I’m allowed to ask or … or if you’ll tell me the answers, or – ”
           
“Shoot,” he said and looked confused. “It’ll be clear if it’s something I don’t want you to know.”
           
What form that clarity would take – riding in the trunk versus a simple rebuke – was, well, unclear. I started with something I assumed would be easy. “Who’s Nat?”
           
Seth breathed in through his nose. “Um, I guess you’d call her a colleague. She helps me track people when I’m out of town.”
           
“And when you are in town?”
           
He met my eyes with a sly grin. “Are you trying to ask if she’s my girlfriend?”
           
“What? No!” I exclaimed. “Dude, I don’t give a fuck. I was just curious is all.”
           
A case could be made that I was protesting too much. But until he’d said it, the thought truly hadn’t occurred to me.
           
“She’s part of a small team of computer engineers,” he explained. “When I’m in town, I use their software because it has better encryption than mine. Which means my searches can’t be traced back to any of us.”
           
“And none of that is a euphemism for anything else?” I asked.
           
Seth laughed hard and loud. It was as laid back as I’d seen him on this trip. “No. It’s not,” he said finally.
           
“Does that mean you’re secretly a computer geek?” I asked.
           
“I suppose so,” he shrugged.
           
No wonder he’d recognized that old box at Paul’s house. But the concept was so incongruous with what else I knew about him. I let it go for the time being instead of delving further. “Then why did I think you hated technology and the internet?” I asked.
           
“Because I know what it can do, and what people are capable of when using it,” he said. “What I do often requires that I stay under the radar. I can’t do that with sites like Facebook tracking my every move.”
           
“You can turn that off, you know,” I said.
           
“Not entirely,” he replied. “Or at least, not easily. Better to not bother.”  
 
I nearly rolled my eyes – he suddenly sounded like someone from my parent’s generation and not a little bit paranoid. “And that’s why we couldn’t bring my phone?” I asked. All of this would have been easier, I realized, if I could have disappeared into the interwebs instead of trying to figure out how to deal with Seth.
 
“Precisely,” he said. “I doubt anyone is looking that hard for you, but hacking into your phone to find your location isn’t that difficult. And it tends to be one of the first steps.”
 
“Gee, thanks,” I said.
 
“You’re not exactly the Lindburg baby,” he said. “That’s all I’m saying.”
 
I’d known he was older than me, but I suddenly wondered just how out of touch he was. I let that go too. “Just so you know, I am going to start getting the DTs any minute now – I may even start hallucinating and feeling phantom vibrations of a phone that isn’t even in this state,” I said.
 
“If the next hotel we stay at has their own computers, you can check news sites and the like, but social networks and emails are out of the question,” Seth said.
 
“Fine,” I said and crossed my arms over my chest. His words about acting like a teenager returned to me, but I sent them away. This was all so stupid. He was right that no one was looking for me, certainly not yet, so all of his so-called safeguards felt pointless.
 
“Was that all?” he asked.
 
“No, but I – ” I chewed my bottom lip. This was the hard part, and I had to choose my words carefully. “Well, I’m not sure how to ask this.”
 
Seth indicated the road that stretched out into the horizon in front of us, and the vast fields on either side of us. “I’d say you had time to figure it out,” he said.
 
“Please don’t be mad,” I said.
 
“I can’t promise anything until I know what you’re talking about,’ he said. “Out with it.”
 
I sighed and wondered how long it would be before the tears could safely be kept at bay. “It’s just that – well, it feels like you know exactly what’s going on. Like you have this all planned out and everything, and I don’t have the first clue. I’m in the dark over here, and I – ”
 
I wiped at my eyes and stared at the floor. What I needed to say would have been difficult under normal circumstances. To this person I felt had virtually kidnapped me? Basically impossible. “Shit, I – I’m scared, Seth.”
 
The silence that followed was interminable. In reality, it was probably only a few seconds. “Of what?” he asked gently.
 
“Of what,” I muttered. As if there could only be one thing. “Of everything, Seth. Of finding Paul and everything going sideways. Of not finding him. Of nobody knowing where I am because I don’t know where the hell I am. And of – ”
 
I looked over at a man who was far more complicated than he had seemed only a day earlier. I thought of the harm those hands could inflict, something I had only known in theory before. “Anyway, of everything. All of it.”
 
“Of me?” he asked.
 
I nodded slightly. If you had been looking at me, it would have been almost imperceptible. To me, it felt huge.
 
“I’m driving, Dani. I need words,” he said.
 
“Yes,” I said, and swallowed hard. My voice was thin. “Also of you.”
 
“Good,” he replied. “You should be.”
 
He paused then. Whether it was for dramatic effect or to decide what else to say didn’t matter. I inched closer to the passenger door, knowing that wouldn’t matter either. But it made me feel better. “That’s not helpful,” I told him.
 
“I don’t have to be scary,” he said. “This could have been easy. You know? But everything I’ve done so far has been a response to you. Your attitude. Your refusal to take responsibility.”
           
I started to protest, but he continued before I could get the first word out.
 
“Having said that, yes, I know what I’m doing,” he added. “But I’m also playing it by ear to a certain extent. I have to allow for a lot of variables. One of which is that I’m not used to having someone with me for this part of a job. So don’t take it too personally when I don’t tell you every detail.”
 
That was far more information than I had expected from him. And while it made sense, I still didn’t appreciate being some sort of experiment. “Okay,” I said. “But where does that leave me when this is all over? What happens then?”
 
“You’re getting ahead of yourself,” he said.
 
“I don’t think I am!” I exclaimed. “I get driving across the country – sort of. I mean, I still think it’s weird, but you’re good with it, so it’s fine. But how do we find him then? What are you going to do to him? What’s my part in all this?”
 
For all my earlier hesitancy, I had somehow located a well of courage and defiance.
 
“I can’t tell you exactly how that’s all going to play out,” he said. “What I can tell you is what I promised you yesterday. Cooperate with me, do what I tell you, and we’re square.”
 
“All that means is that you won’t throw me in the trunk!” I yelled.
 
“Among other things,” he said, and brought the handcuffs out from his back pocket and held them out to me. “Because my intention was to work together. If you can’t do that – ”
 
The courage well dried up real quick. “Please don’t,” I begged.
 
“If I have to put these on you, you will be wearing them in the trunk,” he said. “Now, my plan is to get us through Iowa, maybe a bit into Nebraska, then stop for lunch and let you take over. Until then – ”
 
I snatched the cuffs away. Every other alternative – including tossing them out the window – would only land me in the trunk. Why fight him further? “This is why I was afraid to ask any questions, by the way.”
 
“I don’t blame you for having questions,” he said. “I blame you for fighting me and making this more difficult than it needed to be. And for your continued refusal to acknowledge your part in this. Why don’t you think on that for a while?”
 
“You know, you could save a lot of trouble by just boring me to death with your lectures all the way across – ”
 
His fist gripping the back of my hair tight shut me up. “Keep pushing me. I dare you.”
 
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry – please.”
 
Seth let go with a shove. “Put those on,” he said.
 
I complied without a word. But as he returned his attention to the road – as if nothing unusual had just occurred, by the way – I regarded his features. And then his torso, his limbs. This person I’d thought I knew. “I don’t actually know anything about you, do I?” I mused.
 
I watched his eyes close and open again slowly, and his chest heave as he breathed deeply. When he spoke, it was with a measured and unsettling calm. “What should scare you is that you are only now realizing that,” he said. “First lesson? Never bet more than you can lose. And always know who your opponents are.”
           
We didn’t talk again until he stopped in a rest area just past Omaha. He pulled off to the side where people were still in view, but it was less congested than the main parking lot.
           
“I have a proposal,” Seth said.
           
I pressed myself against the passenger door and quickly took in how close the closest people were. A family was exiting a minivan a few spaces away, and even from the corner of my eye, I spotted a fidgety baby. It would take a lot to get their attention.
           
“If it involves the word trunk, I swear – ”
           
“It doesn’t,” he said. He had been staring straight ahead, but shifted then to dig into his front jeans pocket. “In fact, it’s the opposite. You’re not a criminal, and I shouldn’t be treating you like one. Go ahead and change into a different sweater if you want.”
           
He unlocked the cuffs, then reached back and placed them in his duffle bag in the back seat. It was clear that this gesture was meant to fill in the gaps left by his minimal words, but I needed more. “What’s the proposal?” I asked. “I’m sorry if I missed it.” 
           
Seth ran a hand over his face and rubbed his chin. “Right. I want us to be partners. Not equal maybe, but you’re a sidekick not a bounty. And treating you as anything else is getting us nowhere. Does that sound fair to you?”
           
“Yes, Sir,” I said with a grin.
           
Seth chuckled and opened his car door. “Stretch your legs, we’ll get something to eat, but don’t take too long. You can take over when we’re done.”
           
Well, damn. If he was going to approach the realm of apologies and being reasonable, it was time I admitted to what I’d been contemplating as well. “Seth, wait,” I called out.
           
He’d almost exited the car, the wind whipped around the surrounding plains, and for a moment, I worried he hadn’t heard me. With one leg still on the pavement, he sat back down. “What is it?” he asked.
           
I gestured toward the door. “I need to say something too. I’ll keep it short, I promise.”
           
He closed the driver’s door and looked at me impatiently. “What?”
           
“You were right earlier,” I said. “I need to stop blaming Paul for what I did. I – I know it’s a crap excuse, but I was desperate. And I didn’t think through the consequences or what I was doing, and I know it doesn’t get us any closer to him, but I’m sorry. I really am. And I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to just leave me out here or whatever.”
           
“It’s a start. Thank you,” he said and smiled sweetly. I flinched as he placed a hand on my neck, but he only drew me close and kissed my forehead. “Let’s get moving.”
           
What the hell was I supposed to do with that? Had we really turned the corner and come to a real understanding? Seth was a man of fewer words than I had realized, and I hoped his actions in the coming miles would clear things up.
           
The next thing I knew, he had opened my car door. “Are you coming?” he demanded.
           
“Yes. Yes, of course,” I said.
…
I feel like there is a lot of back and forth for a while here. They argue, they find common ground, something else goes wrong. This continues for a bit. But there's a lot of adjusting for both of them, a lot of complicated emotions, and it was important for me to show that. 

And again, we see Seth being quite frank and brutally honest with Dani here. I find his response to her admission of fear chilling. Mostly because he's right. This shouldn't be new information for her. She says early on that she knows what he's capable of, but I don't think she truly does. She thinks she does. And she thinks she's immune though the reason for this assumption is unclear. 

I also seriously considered a scenario where Dani threw the handcuffs out the window. But it felt like too much of an escalation. I couldn't see a way back from that. And I think that, at heart, she does want to cooperate. However, cooperating means owning up to a little more than she is comfortable with at this point.