Backed Redux - Chapter 35

About a month after Christine left, an invitation arrived via private message from a local couple who were planning a formal collaring ceremony at the club. We knew Master_Winter and morningsong a little – they helped lead a group especially for Masters and slaves and were both extremely kind and fun to be around – and I looked forward to attending. Seth, of course, was less enthused, especially when I asked if he could imagine participating in such a ceremony himself.

“I consider what we do to be relatively private so no, I don’t think that’s likely,” he said. “Why? Is it something that’s important to you?”

“Not especially,” I answered. “It just got me thinking. I like the idea but, it feels a little too much like a wedding, and I’m not anywhere near wanting that.”

Seth laughed. “Good. Neither am I.”

I meant it, too. I had never been one of those women who had notebooks filled with wedding ideas or who had long dreamed about what their “perfect day” would look like. Moving in with Seth, even being collared to him, had not changed that.

On the day of the ceremony, the club was decked out with candles and silk, and the main dungeon room featured folding chairs surrounding a small platform. We were all dressed as if we were going to a wedding, too. There had been no formal registry but many people brought cards and small tokens of affection.

Ten minutes before the ceremony was to start, we were ushered out of the main room. When we were allowed back in, morningsong, aka Emily, was kneeling on the platform and soft, new age music played. She was dressed in a bright sarong that looked like the colors of a sunrise. Her long, straight black hair cascaded down her back and the look on her face was one of pure focus and serenity. She was beautiful.

Another woman known around the community as a pagan priestess came out next and ushered in Winter, aka Michael, who took his place next to Emily and rested his hand on top of her head. The rest of the ceremony was brief, vows were exchanged, and Winter placed a locking collar on his slave. It was every bit as emotional as any wedding I’d ever attended, despite its brevity. They were so happy, so in tune with each other. It was a beautiful sight.

Seth seemed vaguely annoyed by the spiritual aspect of it all but said little until we got home. “I wish they had left out all the goddess stuff,” he said.

“It’s just their path,” I said. “As usual, you don’t have to be part of it.”

“Except I was,” he protested. “They made me part of it and said nothing ahead of time about it being included.”

“Oh, come on,” I said. “You’ve talked to them. And it was literally billed as a handfasting. I’m not sure why any of what they did was a surprise for you.”   

Seth shook his head. “It wasn’t entirely. But I still say there could have been less of it.”

Not if that’s what they believe, I thought. Out loud, I said, “What’s your problem with paganism anyway?”

“It’s still organized religion,” he said. “And the similarities to Christianity, regardless of what they call the person they’re worshipping, are striking.”

He had a point. But the ceremony had satisfied something in me, and made me determined to seek out more spirituality in my kink.

Over the next couple of weeks, I did quite a bit of reading on the more mystical aspects of kink, from energetic connections to using focused breathing during scenes, and then using these scenes as a type of ordeal. I was fascinated and wanted to know everything, even when it wasn’t kink related. Seth rolled his eyes at me. But as long as I did my research privately, he didn’t try to keep me from it.

But there was one idea I found that I couldn’t keep to myself. The idea of using a scene as a literal journey – or ordeal – resonated with me. I’d already been through a very real ordeal, one that had completely changed my life. If I could revisit it in an environment I knew was safe, I might be able to find some personal closure. In my head, it also appeared to be a possible outlet for some of my more violent fantasies involving Seth. But I still needed to find the words to explain it to him. I started with the basics over dinner.  

“I know the trip here must have been traumatic at the time,” he said. “Do you still see it that way?”

How to explain that trauma wasn’t temporary. That the effects bled into the whole of one’s life and didn’t go away just because everything else had improved.  

“I don’t know,” I said, hanging my head. “But it was definitely an ordeal. And like any good ordeal, there was a symbolic death aspect to it, so I’m still working out some of my feelings about it. I think I’m going to be for a long time actually.”

His face was very grim. “What are you looking to have happen?”

I took a deep breath and spoke in a rush. “Mostly, I need some catharsis and I feel like I can get that if we recreate our beginning in a safe way. I haven’t worked out the details as to how, but I have to see how it plays out. I mean, I had to let go of an awful lot when we came here, and it was frustrating in ways that I didn’t always feel like I could express to you. And now all that is just bottled up with nowhere to go.”

Seth nodded and sat back. “I can see where the value would be in that.” I watched the wheels turn as he took a couple more bites and thought over what I’d said. “If we do this, it needs to be bigger than a simple wrestling scene though.”

“I agree,” I said quietly. “When I’ve pictured it, it’s felt more real than that. I want to scream and protest, and I don’t want you to listen. I – I don’t want you to stop.”

Seth quirked an eyebrow at me. “I want you to think real hard about what direction you’re heading in here, doll. Because you’re moving into potentially dangerous territory.”

“I have thought about it,” I said gravely. “And I don’t know yet how far I’m willing to go with it, but I know I need some sort of outlet that I don’t normally get.”

“We’ll need some other way for you to let me know if you want it to stop,” he said. I nodded again. I hadn’t thought through what form that would take yet either.  

He leaned back and laced his fingers behind his head. “You thought of it as being kidnapped at the time. What if we staged a type of kidnapping?”

Could I handle that? I’d fantasized about literal kidnappings plenty, but the reality had been too harrowing to repeat. “I’m not sure I want to take it quite that far,” I said.

We both went quiet as we tried to figure out what sort of middle ground might work. Honestly, I hadn’t thought much beyond the initial idea, sure there was some reason it wouldn’t work or that Seth would shoot it down.

“Do you see this as happening here?” he asked.

“I really have no idea,” I answered.

“Well think about it,” he said. “It seems to me it should be bigger but I’m trying to gauge how much bigger.”

“What if we – well, what if something happened at the club or even at a bigger event?” I asked. “Like a hotel maybe? I know it’s a long way to the Festival though.”

Seth thought some more. “Imagine this – we’re at a big party, I stalk you around for most of the night until I can finally capture you and force you to confess to – something. How does that sound?”

“Like what would I confess to?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he said. “The answer to life, the universe, and everything. The reason you listen to such pretentious songwriters, or maybe something else I’ll think of between now and then. Does it matter?”

“I suppose not. But I would get to spend as much of the night as I can running from you?” I asked excitedly. He nodded. “I know this sounds awful, but I think that sounds fun.”

“The club might still be a bit small,” he said. “And you’re right that the Festival is too far off. Is there any other big event nearby that’s coming up soon?”

I couldn’t think of anything off the top of my head, but the very next day I began looking.  Sure enough, later in the Spring was another hotel event in New Jersey. It would be about a year since we had settled into this apartment too. And though it seemed an odd anniversary to celebrate, I couldn’t imagine a better way of marking the occasion. There would even be some of our acquaintances from the club there. The setting was perfect, so Seth and I began working out the details of our plan.

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I came up with this ending - where else? But a kinky convention. After wandering vendor halls and various meeting rooms that had been made over for play areas, I lay in bed fantasizing about what I really wanted to do in those rooms. And what Seth and Lucy might get up to there. 

I loved that it would bring the story full circle and, in a way, end things right where we had started.