Backed Redux - Chapter 26

During my weeks of self-imposed isolation, I felt like I couldn’t let my guard down. I knew that as soon as I did, Paul would show up and the whole charade would be over. I wasn’t naïve enough to believe that weeks of silence meant he had gone away forever. Even with Seth around, I jumped at every little sound.

When he left, it was worse. Seth went to Atlantic City once during that time and I didn’t leave the apartment at all. I kept the door bolted and even propped up one of the dining chairs in front of it. I tried to stay in my room, but I was paranoid, certain that I kept hearing noises from outside that weren’t there. Opening the bedroom door didn’t help either. I kept checking the windows to make sure they were locked and constantly checked the fire escape.

I thought of going over to Alex and Claire’s but didn’t know how to explain what was wrong. When Alex knocked that Saturday afternoon, probably to see if I wanted to come out that night, I ignored her and pretended I wasn’t home.

“You’re overreacting. You have to live your life Lu,” Seth told me when he got home on Sunday.
“I am trying to keep my life,” I told him.

“My people are tracking him,” he said. “He hasn’t shown up anywhere near us and we’ve left no trail by which he could follow us here. How many times do I have to remind you of that?”
Until I believe it, I thought.

“But it’s been a week since he showed up anywhere,” I said. “We both know how far you can get in that amount of time and isn’t it just a little bit possible that he’s figured out how to go off the grid too?”

“He’s not that bright,” Seth said. “The fact that he keeps showing up on our radar at all proves that. Last I heard he was in Florida – he’s probably bilking old people out of their money by now.”

I wasn’t convinced. If Seth had “people,” I was sure Paul could have “people” too. And they were certainly more dangerous than Seth’s hacker friends. I was equally sure that he might send one of them after us instead of doing it himself. “But what if – ”

“Look, I’m not saying he won’t try something again but if he does, he will do it himself because he wants to make sure we know it’s him, just like last time,” Seth said. “Now, we are going out tonight. I’ve put Chloe off long enough.”

“About that,” I said. “I don’t think I’m up for it.”

“The munch or the threesome?” he asked. On some level, I loved that our lives involved such questions.

“Quite frankly, either,” I said.

“The munch is happening,” he said. “That’s an order.”

“Fine,” I said as I started to walk away, I was acting like a rebellious teenager, but I didn’t care.  

“Excuse me babe,” he said, coming after me. “But … fine?”

“Why aren’t you more worried about this?” I yelled.

“Just because I am not barricading myself in my own home does not mean it’s not on my mind,” he replied calmly. “My guard is as up as it’s ever been, sweetheart. It’s been up since I was 18 goddamn years old and it hasn’t let me down yet.”

“I see him everywhere I go,” I said. I wasn’t yelling anymore but I was panicky, my voice wobbly. “He’s on the train every day. He’s in my office building. He’s waiting in the lobby here. Every time I turn and see a man looking at me, I’m afraid it’s Paul or one of his henchmen.”

Seth laughed at me. “Paul does not have henchmen.”

“You don’t know that!” Now I was yelling.

Seth grabbed me by the shoulders and put my back against the wall. He was forceful but not out to hurt me, just trying to make his point. “I need you to listen to me,” he said. “I will not allow this to continue –”

“But you’re not out there with me all the time,” I said, now both panicky and yelling. “You can’t be everywhere!”

“Running and hiding is not an option either,” he said. He spoke deliberately, using that deathly serious tone that did not invite argument. “Not anymore. You are blowing this completely out of proportion.”

“I can’t do this,” I said, defeated. I started to slide down the wall towards the floor, but Seth still had a grip on both my shoulders and held me up.

“Stop it,” he said. “You are not that weak. And I am taking you with me even if I have to use the leash.”

“You wouldn’t …”

“Try me,” he said. “We see weirder shit than that all the time around here. No one would bat an eyelash.”

I went willingly.

At the restaurant, Seth apologized to Chloe with the vague excuse that personal matters had interrupted our fun. “No problem,” she said smiling. “It happens to all of us at one time or another. Real life has the crappiest sense of timing.”

I smiled weakly, still shaken by my fight with Seth and more aware of my own paranoia than ever. The waitress took our orders and left.

“Will you two be at the Festival next week?” Chloe continued. “I’d love to play with Lucy again provided we have enough time. Then we could see where things go from there.” She spoke confidently, like someone who was used to getting her way. And she was looking at both of us. Seth had been right, I thought. She wanted him as much as me. Or maybe she was just looking to him for permission. I couldn’t tell anymore. 

“We’ll be there,” Seth said. He took my hand under the table and squeezed it. The Festival was a weekend-long event complete with classes during the day, vendors, and two nights of play parties. We’d registered for it before the scare with Paul and I had started to dread it just a little.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to get out of going to any part of it now. It was being held at a hotel in New Jersey and we had already booked the room and put down a deposit. Until that moment, I had wondered how much I could blockade myself there. While everyone else spent the rest of the evening talking about their plans for the Festival, what they were going to wear and what special scenes they wanted to do, I barely said anything. I couldn’t get excited about any of it.
…
The following evening, as I knelt in front of Seth after work, he told me he had a plan. I had started to dread those words as they usually meant I was in trouble. But this time he sounded more hopeful than threatening. “Okay …” I said.

“Whatever happened to ‘Yes, Sir’?” he asked. He was serious, and verging on angry.

I took a deep breath and tried to use the ritual as intended. I was supposed to focus when I got home, and I’d done a crap job of that lately. “Yes, Sir?” I asked.

“We’re going for a walk,” he said. I wanted to ask why, but I already knew the answer. I wanted to beg and plead to get out of it, but it wasn’t an unreasonable order. We’d taken walks around the neighborhood all the time when we’d first moved in and gotten to know the area pretty well that way. Our walks had helped us get comfortable in our surroundings.

“It can be short tonight and we don’t have to do this every day, but I do want this to be something of a routine for a while,” he continued. “I need you to be less afraid of going outside these four walls.”

“I understand,” I said. I still didn’t like it, but I had to start somewhere. I had to admit that always being afraid was getting tiresome.

“Good girl,” he said. “And here I thought I would have to threaten you with the leash again, or handcuff you to me.” He smiled down at me, but I had no doubt that he would have done exactly that had I refused or put up any type of fight.

I changed quickly into jeans and a t-shirt. It was late summer now and the temperatures were cooler in the evenings, so I grabbed my jacket too. “Look at me,” he said before we walked out. I looked up at him and felt like an adoring fan instead of a submissive. “Tell me you can do this.”

Another deep breath. “I can do this.”

“Much better,” he said.

As we walked, he instructed me about how to be aware without looking like you were suspicious or on the lookout. “I used to be a single woman in a big city,” I said. “I know how to walk defensively.” I’d worked retail in downtown Cleveland when I was just out of high school, and had learned to ignore catcalls and not make eye contact instinctively. Cleveland felt like a small town in comparison to New York, but I’d easily fallen back into those old habits, especially since starting my job.

“You were looking out for general predators, not a particular person,” he said. “But yes, it’s the same general principal.”

I was fidgety and didn’t know what to do with my hands. I alternately crossed my arms and put my hands in my pockets. I felt like a mess, but it wasn’t so different than how I had been acting on commutes. It was just that now, I had someone with me and I felt more self-conscious.

Seth took my hand. “I’ve got you, Lu,” he said quietly.

“I wish I could just ignore this,” I said. “I just want to be over it.”

“And I wish it was something I could simply beat out of you,” he said. “But there’s no magic wand we can wave over this. We have to work at fixing it ourselves.” It was the sort of thing that, just a few months ago, would have started a fight between us. I’d have gotten defensive and angry at even the vague suggestion that I wasn’t willing to work. But he had said it as a fact, not as a way of attacking or antagonizing me. We had both grown, I thought.

I looked down at my feet. One step at a time, I thought. Such an awful cliché, so overused. But it applied here. Each step was a step forward and got me a little closer to the finish line. I needed to stop thinking in bumper sticker slogans.

“Do you think Chloe is going to want more than just a play date this weekend?” I asked in an effort to change the subject.

“Maybe,” he said. “What would you think of that?”

“I like her,” I said. “She’s sexy. Justin’s sexy. I just don’t have much experience with women. I mean, I’ve fooled around some and even had a one-night stand with a girl back home, but she was as inexperienced as I was and … I have a feeling Chloe’s not going to be pleased so easily.”

Seth laughed. “No, probably not. I think she needs a lot of attention.”

“I just keep getting this image of her training me ‘how to please a woman’ and I’m not sure that’s how I want to learn,” I said as quietly as I could. When did all these children move into our neighborhood? Had they always been here, and I hadn’t noticed them before? “I’d rather it happened more naturally.”

“Or it won’t be like that at all and you’ll actually enjoy it,” he said. “Why not tell her what you just told me?”

“Because she’ll laugh and think it’s cute or, worse, shun me for not being a better little bi-girl,” I said.

“You need to give people more credit,” he said. “If she’s bitchy to you, she’s not worth the trouble. Plus, she can answer to me. But I want you to speak up for yourself and explain your concerns to her.”

“Ugh,” I said.

“Ask her about her real intentions for the weekend and let her know you’re nervous,” Seth said. “You don’t have to pour your heart out to her. God, how many times do I have to tell you not to jump too far ahead?”

“It doesn’t seem so far-fetched to me,” I said, kicking at rocks on the ground.

“Well, your worries are rarely rational either,” he said. “You need to learn how to find the middle ground.”

“Easier said than done,” I mumbled.

“Write her after dinner,” Seth said as we approached the entrance to our building. We’d only walked around the block but it was a big block.

“Fine,” I said. He raised his eyebrow at me. “I mean, yes, Sir.”

I did as I was told but chose my words carefully. I didn’t want to overstate my experience, nor did I want to sound disinterested or ungrateful. I didn’t really know what I wanted to say at all and asked Seth to look it over before I hit send. He refused and said I needed to decide for myself what I wanted to say. So my first message simply asked about her intentions and said I needed to plan if she wanted to continue anything in our hotel rooms.

“I have another reason for being nervous,” I told Seth. “I’ve never had a threesome.” I loved the idea. It sounded hot as hell and I’d had fantasies about them. But I knew the reality wouldn’t quite be the same and I didn’t want to do anything wrong or feel too awkward.

Seth smiled at me. “I think you can figure out how it’s done – it’s not that difficult.”

“Any tips?” I asked.

“For a threesome? No,” he said. “Maybe you should talk to your friends next door about that one.”
He was in the kitchen and I got up to be closer to him. This was not a time when a vague answer would satisfy me. “Haven’t you ever had one?”

He shook his head as he walked back toward the couch with a soda. “Nope. I’m just a computer nerd in Dom clothing, remember?”

I longed for a way to tell him how much more he was than that to me, but it still didn’t feel like the right time.

Instead, I followed him back into the living room and checked my messages. Chloe had written back and assured me that as much as she loved hotel sex, she hadn’t expected a threesome at the Festival. “I don’t want that man of yours to feel left out in the cold,” she wrote. Seth suggested we plan something for a weekend he was out of town. If I didn’t have to see him with Julie, he shouldn’t have to see me in the afterglow of new sex either. He was already planning on being gone the weekend after the Festival and I made a mental note to suggest the date to Chloe.
​
If I could work up the nerve.