Backed Redux - Chapter 23

The following morning, I took longer than usual to get out of bed. My back still tingled where Chloe’s floggers had landed, and I couldn’t help basking in the feeling. It had been so long since I’d done anything like that, negotiated pick up play with someone new and simply had fun, I hardly knew how to handle it. I loved it, wanted more, and vowed that I would never let myself endure such a long dry spell again.
 
Eventually, my stomach won out though, and I padded out to start breakfast. I was so lost in the memories from the night before, I almost burnt the bacon. “I know you don’t want me taking over in here,” Seth said as he approached. “You alright?”
 
“I’m great,” I said, beaming. “I actually forgot how much fun that could be.”
 
“And you can do that? Walk away and maybe never see her again?” he asked.
 
“She seems to be a regular – I’m sure if we go back, we’ll see her again,” I said. I had already begun to look forward to when that might be.
 
“What if you weren’t so sure of that though?” he asked as he leaned against the counter. “Would you have the same attitude?”
 
A scene could be quite intimate for me, but I didn’t need that intimacy to go beyond the dungeon. We could be just two people sharing a moment. I’d always been able to approach play casually. Sometimes the seemingly simple act of experiencing the sensation was more important to me than who I was sharing it with. I did my best to explain this to him. “I mean, I have to like the person, but we don’t have to be best friends or lovers.”
 
“Is that something you’d like to do more of around here?” he asked. “I’ll admit I’m still struggling to understand the point but –”
 
I turned on him, spatula in hand, frustrated that we’d had the same conversation several times already. “It’s fun and it feels good alright? Otherwise –” Otherwise what? Just because I didn’t need most scenes to end in sex, I was pretty sure I couldn’t do casual with Seth.  Going back to my room alone afterwards just wouldn’t cut it anymore. Further, I didn’t have the strength to keep pushing the sex angle when I knew I would get shot down again.
 
“Casual with you might actually be weird now,” I said more calmly. “Especially if you’re not into it. I mean, obviously I’m not the only one who should have limits here.”
 
“I was surprised by the reactions coming from you,” he said, finally stepping past the doorway to stand next to me. “You didn’t even make those faces when I was fucking you.”
 
Was he actually jealous? Too fucking bad, I thought. Finding people who wanted to fuck me had been half the point of going out in public. Still, it seemed it was time to explain polyamory to him. I stared into the pan and pushed around the eggs I was trying to scramble.
 
“She just served a different need than you normally do. It was a different type of outlet. It’s actually not unusual in this community to have multiple play partners, multiple sex partners or even both.” 
 
“The way you looked at her made it seem like there was more to it, like maybe you wanted more than just play with her,” he said.
 
“Would that bother you?” I asked, looking up at him. “Because you’re already having sex with someone else. It’s only fair that I have the same chance.”
 
“Only if you would rather have that than what you have here,” he said.
 
“Nobody is replacing anyone here, Seth,” I said. We stared each other down until I had to return to the eggs or risk burning them as well.
 
“It happened awfully quickly is all,” he said.
 
“How long did you know Julie before you started fucking her?” I asked.
 
“Look, I don’t care what you do sexually – I want you to have a sex life – just don’t let it supersede this,” he said. He spread his arms to indicate the entire apartment then tapped the refrigerator. “You still have a contract here.”
 
“So do you,” I said. “And I guess –” I knew what I wanted to say and wasn’t at all sure he would take kindly to it.
 
“What?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.
 
“You’re the one who likes to say you can’t promise forever,” I said meekly. “Maybe – maybe it goes both ways.”
 
He looked at me like he wanted to be angry and couldn’t. I had him. Later, I would think of this as the first time I’d won an argument with him.
…
What I discovered over breakfast was that our first party had been rather eye opening for Seth.  He’d seen things in person he’d only read about online, and other things he’d never heard of at all. None of it was completely new to me, but seeing some of it live was at least unusual. Seeing people leashed hadn’t been common back home. Neither had pony play or so much leather. While I’d been busy re-acclimating myself, he’d simply been trying to take it all in. 
 
“I overreacted earlier,” he admitted as we finished eating. “I didn’t know what most of that would look like, and I was unprepared.”
 
“It’s okay,” I said with a smile. “I know how overwhelming it can be. Believe me, we’ve all been there, and we all remember our first time in a place like that. Just know that I’m not trying to replace you here.”
 
“I believe that. But is that type of play typical for you?” he asked. “Is that the sort of thing you did before?”
 
“Sometimes,” I shrugged. It really was frustrating how often the answer still came down to “it depends.” There were simply too many variables to make a blanket statement about much of anything. “It depends on the night, what I’m in the mood for, who I’m playing with – a lot of things really.”
 
He nodded, still trying to understand. “What else might be on the menu then?”
 
Oh god. The list was long. Though not as long as some people I had known, the list was long enough that it would be difficult to paraphrase. I started with my absolute favorites. “Well, you already know how much I love rope and other bondage,” I started. The rest came out in a bit of a rush as if I might lose my nerve if I didn’t say it all at once.
 
 “It’s actually what got me started in all this,” I explained. “I’m not sure I’ve told you that. Rope is definitely preferred but cuffs, cages, anything restrictive works just as well.”
 
“What do you mean by how you got started?” he asked.
 
“When I first got out in the community, I just knew I wanted to be tied up. I’d wanted that ever since I could remember. That I was also a masochist came as a bit of a surprise to me.” He nodded in understanding and I continued. “Otherwise, knives are obviously big but anything sharp and pointy is fine – like Chloe’s nails. Except needles. I’m not a big fan of needles and sometimes they get lumped in there.  General impact play is always good. Flogging is okay but I generally prefer something thuddier – punching, or even household items like a mallet or meat tenderizer work really well. On the other hand, I can work up to stingy and have enjoyed a singletail whip or paddle – even bare-handed spanking. I just prefer to start with something else.”
 
It had been so long since I’d negotiated, really negotiated this many variables, that I had to pause and think about what had once been so commonplace. While Seth was still taking in what I had already said, I kept going.
 
“If I’m in public, I really like blindfolds because they help me focus and block out all the distractions. Obviously at home, they’re effective too. Gags are okay but I’ve never done as much with them and I’m actually not a big fan. Clamps – obviously clothespins are effective, but the little metal things that are actually intended to be nipple clamps are welcome too.” I paused one last time. “Anyway, that’s a good start of the basics.”
 
I had mentioned some of this in passing before, but not in a way that applied to us. Now, he actually had reason to pay attention and I could see him mentally taking notes on everything I told him. When he still didn’t say anything right away, I started to worry. “What? Too much information?” I asked. “Did I just scare you off?”
 
“No, not at all,” he said, still looking a little stunned. “But I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak so confidently and so much about any one thing until just now. You really should do it more often.”
 
Great. Now I was flustered. “Oh. I – well, I’ve been doing this long enough that a lot of that just comes automatically. You know, like riding a bike.”
 
“I know you can tell me if I do something you don’t want, but do you have a similar list of limits?” he asked. “Can you be as confident about that?”
 
Not anymore. Not now that there was so much obvious focus on me. Until now, we had been two people talking. Now there was pressure. I went for a laugh instead. “I get limits?” I asked. “I’m pretty sure your fellow, online doms would frown on that.”
 
“Then I promise to ignore at least one as punishment because you were foolish enough to believe I would respect them,” he said with a completely straight face. I giggled in response. “Out with it – consider it an order.”
 
Without thinking I started chewing on a fingernail as I thought about my list. He knocked my hand away. “Stop it.”
 
“It’s going to take more than that,” I countered. He raised an eyebrow but otherwise indicated I should go on. I crossed my arms in mock defiance.
 
Depending on who I had given this list to, it either felt too long or completely reasonable. A few arrogant tops and dominants had felt too limited. Most of the others felt I had given them plenty enough to work with. Very often, I played with people specifically because I had seen them do something that I wanted to try with them, like Chloe and her knives. Hard limits were less of an issue in those cases and came less naturally now. 
 
“First of all, there are soft and hard limits – you already know that distinction right?” He nodded. “So, there are things I would like to work up to or only want to do with certain people who I consider skilled. Needles are actually like that. Like I told Angel, I’m not a big fan but I haven’t done a lot with them either. I was never sure if it was that my top didn’t know what he was doing, or I was just that indifferent. Same with cutting. There is knife play – which is awesome – but I’ve never gotten into actual cutting and I was never sure I wanted to. It’s intriguing but, again, I would need someone who really knew what they were doing.”
 
“Fair enough,” he said and continued to look impressed. “Do you consider those soft limits then?”
 
“I suppose – they’re certainly situational, and I doubt you count as skilled in any of them,” I said. He nodded in agreement. “Then there are the limits that tend to be taken as givens, obvious even. I once heard someone sum them up by saying he would only play with adult living humans.” Seth laughed. “For me, the same really goes for all bodily fluids. Do I need to explain any of that further?”
 
Seth squinted his eyes and shook his head in the universal gesture that screamed ew. “No, that won’t be necessary.”
 
“Other stuff just isn’t my thing,” I continued. “For example, I’m never going to want to do animal play. There are people who get into it and are awesome at it and that’s great – like that woman last night who was a pony. But I don’t have any interest. Oh! I almost forgot. Electricity is completely out. There’s fun scary and there’s scary scary. For me, electricity is scary scary. I’m not sure where that comes from, but I’ve had several people try to talk me into it and it is not happening.”
 
Seth looked oddly relieved. “Is that it?”
 
Suddenly sure I had forgotten something, I thought hard about the more common activities and realized I really had covered the issues I felt most strongly about. “Yeah – were you expecting more than that?”
 
“I expected an argument,” he said with a smile. “I expected you to say something I wanted to do or was interested in trying, and you didn’t. I do want to know why you never mentioned knives to me before though.”
 
I laughed nervously, and flashed back to the night he’d shown up at my old apartment. “It’s a little hard to associate you with fun knife play,” I said. “Like I told you in  your kitchen back home, there were a lot of things like that.”
 
He raised both eyebrows as if he had just then put together all the dots. We sat in silence for a couple of minutes before I needed to something – anything – to change the subject. “What about you? Was there anything you saw last night that you suddenly want to try?”
 
“I don’t know,” he said thoughtfully. “More like I finally saw that people could enjoy these things for the sake of having fun. Nobody was being punished or humiliated – unless they wanted to be. It was very enlightening.”
 
“I tried to tell you,” I said gently.
 
“I needed to see it for myself,” he said. “And that’s why I’m glad we went. Maybe we don’t have to be all business all the time around here . You can still play with other people, but I am rethinking what I might want too. I’m not sure how it’s going to play out yet though.”
 
“Okay, I just – well, I don’t want you to think I’ve been disappointed here,” I said. “I mean, we’ve done plenty of stuff. Just because we don’t call it play or whatever doesn’t mean it hasn’t been fun a lot of the time.”
 
“I appreciate that, but there’s nothing wrong with branching out a little right?” he asked.
 
“Explore away,” I said, a little surprised but also relieved that so much had finally clicked for him.
 
“Do you still prefer ‘stop’ as a safeword?” he asked.
 
“Honestly, I’d rather use real words,” I said. “Stop is good, but if something is really wrong, I’d rather say what it is than make you try to figure out what red or yellow means. And we can always talk after individual scenes about what was good and what wasn’t or what certain reactions meant.”
 
“Fair enough,” he said chuckling.
 
In the end, he agreed to experiment with different types of casual play, and I agreed to be patient with him as he did so.  But mostly, I loved that we could have such conversations and be so honest with each other. I even found myself turned on at the open communication. Who knew the simple act of talking could be so sexy?