Backed Redux - Chapter 20

           The new contract went into effect the following day because there was no reason for a delay. It felt like we were rushing in, but so much of it was activities we had been doing all along. Throughout the work day, in the back of my mind though, was the question of how to make kneeling for Seth look natural. Would I say something? Was there a certain position he wanted? I didn’t know how to approach it.
            I walked in the door to find him exiting the kitchen with a glass of water. “Are you early, or did I lose track of time?” he asked.
            “I think you lost track of time,” I said with a smile. “I should change though – be right back.”
            Rushing out of the room, I found I had even more questions than I had previously realized, and dawdled as long as possible. Finally, even I couldn’t procrastinate any longer.
            Our couch served as a divider between the living area and the rest of the apartment. The back of it faced the short hallway that led to the bedrooms and bath, and Seth leaned against it while he waited for me.
            Once I had stopped being afraid of him – which had mostly happened sometime in the middle of our first trip through Nebraska – I had often been struck by how sexy he could be while doing very little. The confidence of his stance, his self-assuredness, were as attractive as his physical self.
            “Come with me,” he said and started for the other side of the couch.
            I trailed closely behind while Seth sat down and indicated a space on the floor between his legs. The move to my knees felt awkward, and I was sure I was doing something wrong. Lowering my eyes felt right, but I found myself staring at his crotch. Not necessarily a bad thing, but probably not the goal, so I glanced down at the floor where I found crumbs the vacuum had missed. Goddammit.
            Looking up, however, I found eyes that were … pleased. It wasn’t an expression I had seen often from Seth, and it was instantly addicting. All my questions, all my anxiety and doubt, it all vanished.
            “What’s the first rule on your list?” he asked.
            A soft sigh escaped my lips as if he had caressed me. My demeanor softened, and my entire focus became the space we occupied. “To obey you, Sir,” I replied.
            “And what’s my rule?” he asked.
            Oh god, he hadn’t been kidding about how serious this one was for him. He’d left it handwritten in his messy scrawl on the paper we had tacked to the side of the refrigerator rather than have me type it out. Somehow, this had made it more meaningful for me already. They weren’t cold, impersonal letters mass produced on ordinary copy paper. They were put there, by him, as a reminder to both of us.
            “To guide but not harm me,” I said.
            “Excellent,” Seth said. Then he allowed himself an extra moment to let his eyes wash over me. From someone else, the expression might have been lecherous or predatory. Instead, he simply seemed to appreciate the sight. “You can go.”
            The mood was broken – for me, at least – when I struggled to push myself back up. It wasn’t the graceful transition I had pictured in my fantasies. I hoped that making us dinner would help. “That’s going to get less weird at some point, right?” I asked as I headed for the kitchen.
            “That’s the goal,” he replied.
            “It feels like forever since I’ve done that for someone,” I admitted.
            Seth joined me, hovering in the doorway of the kitchen, just out of the way. His hands were in his pockets, and he looked almost sheepish. “For what it’s worth, I’ve never had anyone do that for me.”
            I raised my eyebrows at him in shock. “I find it hard to believe that you’ve never had a woman on her knees in front of you.”
            “Not like this,” he said somberly.
            Whether that was because I wanted to be there, the reasons for my being there, or something else was unclear. Regardless, Seth was eager to move on.
            “How was the start of your second week?” he asked.
            “Not bad,” I replied as I cut chicken breasts into cubes. “I think I’m getting the hang of it. At least I know where things are now. How about you? How was your day?”
            “Good,” he said. “Work is coming in more steadily. I think a couple of the contracts I expected are going to come through. I have to say though, it’s still a little weird to be – well, stuck behind a desk, so to speak.”
            Despite his background, the transition to full-time hacking work – even if it was ethical – had seemed a natural one. From the outside, that is. Otherwise, his reply inspired so many questions, none of which would be easy to ask. “Have you heard from anyone back there?” I asked.
            “Do you mean is anyone looking for me? No, they aren’t,” he said. “Jake called a few times, but he finally left a message indicating he knew I’d finally skipped town.”
            “And you’re sure he won’t come after you?” I asked.
            “He wouldn’t know where to start,” Seth replied. “I left no way for him to trace me here. Even my car is still registered in Ohio.”
            I continued slicing while I decided how to phrase my next question. “Do you ever think this was a little – I know easy is the wrong word – but it seems like there should have been more to it,” I said. “Like, it sucked for about a week. Otherwise, I just keep expecting something big to go wrong.”
            “It’s not that difficult to disappear when you know how,” he said. “We’ve both had to make adjustments, but we covered our tracks.”
            I looked up at him as I scooped the meat into a pan for a stir fry. “And you don’t miss it?” I asked.
            Seth gave a light shrug. I barely caught it out of the corner of my eye. “What I miss, I get from going to Atlantic City,” he said. “But I’m used to doing that almost every day instead of every couple of weeks.”
            My shoulders slumped involuntarily and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding. My own surprise surprised me.
            “You could try looking a little less relieved,” he said impatiently. “Give me some credit.”
            “That was me giving you credit,” I said as I met his eyes. “If I really thought you hadn’t changed, I wouldn’t have asked.” And I wouldn’t be submitting to you, I thought.
            “When exactly did I become less dangerous?” he asked. Glancing over again, I found him smirking, clearly amused by his own question.
            “Oh, you’re still dangerous,” I told him. “But I know how to stay on your good side now.”
            Seth chuckled, but I immediately regretted my words.
            “Shit, that sounds manipulative,” I said. I’d poured frozen vegetables in with the chicken and covered the whole thing to let it all simmer. Crossing my arms, I leaned against the counter. “Or like I’m just playing along or something. I promise I’m not.”
            “I had no doubt,” he said with a grin. He approached and kissed me on the forehead. “I look forward to the next 30 days and beyond.”
            That nerve ignited down the front of my body, and I was sure I would melt. Thankfully, he had turned toward the living room and missed all outward signs of it. 
…
           A month later, to the day, Seth asked me to kneel in front of him. We’d had occasional disagreements, but nothing major. The contract was working, and I’m not sure who was more surprised.
           Seth opened a long, plain white box. Inside was a simple chainmail necklace with black accent rings. It was perfect in its subtlety and would go with everything I owned. There was even a tiny padlock at the clasp that would be covered by my hair.
          “Where – where did you get this?” I asked.
          “I can’t reveal my sources,” he said with a wink. “Ask me for it.”
          Up until that moment, I had held it together. After all, it wasn’t as if I didn’t know this was going to happen. There’d been no mystery – we had talked about it.
          But his kindness had been a surprise. He hadn’t made me beg like my last ex. Hadn’t humiliated me or teased that it might not happen when I messed up in little things. He’d been more supportive than I ever could have wanted. As a result, I felt wanted, proud of how much I had already accomplished.
         Most of all? I felt useful and important. I had a place here. A purpose. And it wasn’t only to serve Seth. It was to better myself. Finally, I understood some of the feelings I had heard other submissives express, of feeling worthy yet lesser at the same time.
          Only I wasn’t inferior – I was an equal who was choosing to sometimes be lower. That it was a choice – my choice – was key for me.
          “May I please wear your collar, Sir?” I asked quietly. I found I could barely get the words out.
He placed it on my neck without another word. I’d never felt so close to another person or wanted so much to please them before in my life.