Backed Redux - Chapter 19

My first day was the usual for any new job. Lots of forms to fill out. A couple of training videos, getting introduced around the office. It was a nice place, and I looked forward to working with the people there. But it was going to take a few days to get used to the new schedule. I was used to being able to nap when I needed to, and naturally, I hadn’t slept well before the first day.
 
When I got home, I was determined to make something quick and easy for dinner, then make an early night of it. Seth appeared in my doorway just as I finished getting changed. “Is this where you tell me you’ll be skipping town now?” I asked.
 
Seth looked perplexed and then a little hurt. “Look who’s in a hurry to get rid of me,” he said.
 
I hung up the skirt I’d been wearing. “No, but … that was the plan, wasn’t it? Something something California, home of tech geeks?”
 
“I can do that from here, Lu,” he replied. And though he had managed to conceal the hurt, the confusion remained. “And I want to make sure this new job doesn’t fall through for you.”
 
“Wow. You really think I’m going to fuck this up too, huh?” I asked.
 
“I never said that,” he replied.
 
“You didn’t have to,” I told him and moved to step out of the room. But his arm across the threshold stopped me.
 
“What do you want from me?” he asked.
 
My shoulders slumped. This was far too heavy a conversation for a mind already overfull with new information. “I really don’t know anymore, Seth. What do you want from me?”
 
Something about the way his eyes washed over me made me feel like prey. They suggested that he wanted to shove me against the nearest wall and have his way with me. But I was probably projecting again.
 
“I came in here to see how your first day went. Big picture though? I want you to finish turning your life around,” he stated. “And I’d like to be here to watch it happen. Unless you’d rather I go, of course.”
 
I didn’t. I truly didn’t. But until this moment, he had only ever emphasized the impermanence of our arrangement. When had that changed? “God, I really must be a train wreck,” I said and pushed past him into the hall.
 
“Stop it,” he said and grabbed my arm. “You know that’s not true.”
 
“Do I?” I yelled as I wrested away from him. I instantly realized I was overreacting, however. He wasn’t the reason for my anger. I was just tired. “Listen, I – I love having someone to come home to. I even like having someone to be accountable to. But I – I can’t have this conversation right now.”
 
“Of course,” he said. “And I should have mentioned sooner that I had changed my mind. I assumed you had figured it out.”
 
Someday, I would get a real apology. But this wasn’t that day. And honestly, the situation didn’t warrant one. “Can we talk tomorrow then? Do you mind?” I asked.
 
“Tell you what,” he replied. We had reached the kitchen and I was staring into the refrigerator as if the perfect, cheapest, healthiest meal would simply appear. “Give this new job a few days – say a week – figure out how stressful it’s going to be, what the hours are. And then we’ll come back together and figure out how to move forward.”
 
I looked over at him in confusion. Move forward how? And why did this sound like a business transaction? “You mean, like, rules and stuff, or – ”
 
“Rules, routines, schedules,” he said. “Obviously, some of that is going to have to change, now that you’re working. I can take over some more of it since I’ll be here more. For example – ”
 
Seth gently took me by the shoulders and moved me to the side. This helpful side to him was new, and I didn’t fully trust it yet.
 
“How about you let me make something – how does grilled cheese sound?” he asked.
 
“Perfect,” I said.
 
I curled up on the couch with my phone, but didn’t even open any sites. All the stress of the past few months seemed to evaporate, and I felt like I could truly relax for the first time since we’d arrived in the City.
 
I was asleep before Seth even brought out dinner.  
…
 
By the following Sunday afternoon, I had already learned a great deal about the new job. There would be some overtime – usually with notice – but nothing I would have to bring home or worry too much about once I left the office. My boss, Joanne, was amazing and laid back. She emphasized the importance of life outside of work, was funny, and at least as liberal and open-minded as I was. I could see her becoming a friend and, so far, I got along with my other coworkers as well.
 
There was, therefore, little doubt that this job would work out. And I turned my attention to life at home and what I wanted there. It was a whole new stressful line of thinking. Until that week, I had acted on the assumption that Seth would leave shortly after I got a job. Everything had hinged on that.
 
On the other hand, I wasn’t entirely surprised he was willing to stay. Our routines were effective, our disagreements productive, and we genuinely seemed to enjoy each other’s company. The specifics of how our relationship played out felt flexible. With little clue as to what he would ask for, however, I found my apprehension grow as our meeting approached.
 
We had agreed to each make a list – of potential rules, protocols, everything. Much as I had enjoyed the structure we had started, I wasn’t sure how much farther we could take it. Would the changes we made improve our lives, or bring everything we had worked for come crashing down?
 
I know that sounds dire and a bit melodramatic, but that was my mindset as we sat down at the dining room table that afternoon.  
 
“You look nervous,” Seth said.
 
“Talking about this stuff in theory and actually doing it are very different things,” I told him. “And I’m out of practice on the latter.”
 
“You still have to agree to whatever we discuss here,” he said and placed some sheets of paper on the table in front of him. “Right?”
 
That was my problem, actually. What if our visions didn’t line up at all? What if one of us wanted something far more rigid than the other? What if I agreed to something and changed my mind later? So many questions, none of which would be answered unless we had this talk.
 
“I know,” I said. “I just – this feels like a big deal. Maybe I’m overthinking.”
 
“It potentially is,” he said.
 
If the next words out of his mouth were “we’ll figure it out” or “one step at a time,” I was going to strangle him.
“We have a lot to go over,” he continued. “But none of it is set in stone, we’ve negotiated well up until this point, so I doubt any one decision is going to be critical. We have the fundamentals down in that we both want to continue in the direction we’re already going in.”
 
Worse, it had been one of his lectures. At least it had been a reassuring one.
 
“Well, the main thing that’s been on my mind is that I would like to explore the local kink community,” I said. “I know there’s a munch held not far from here. And there are parties in the city. Personally, I think it’s time I get back out there. You don’t have to come with me if you don’t want to.”  
 
“Is that a good idea?” he asked. “That is, would it be a good idea for you to go alone?”
 
“I can take care of myself,” I said.
 
“You don’t get it,” he said and sounded frustrated. “Should a submissive attend these things on their own?”
 
“I honestly don’t think it matters,” I said. “I was prepared to go out whether you wanted to or not.”
 
“What’s gotten into you?” Seth asked. “Why so defensive all of a sudden?”
 
So many things, I thought. First and foremost was that if no one in this apartment was going to fuck me, I was going to finally get out and look for someone who would. More importantly, however, was how pointless this all might turn out to be. Everything might change again in six months. If he changed his mind, my life would be thrown into turmoil again. And what was the point of his staying anyway?
 
“It’s just – well, I guess I don’t understand why you want to be here,” I replied. “Like, what happened to your grand plan?”
 
“Turns out it wasn’t that grand after all,” he smirked.
 
I narrowed my eyes at him as I began to suspect I was only a consolation prize. “Did something happen? I mean, did something fall through?”
 
“Not at all,” he assured me, and sat forward to fold his hands in front of him. “But I can see through to ways to improve both our lives, and I’m with someone who is ready to willingly hand over the power to do that. That’s very attractive to me.”
 
My shoulders relaxed as I sat back. My real fear, it turned out, was that this was still a way for him to keep tabs on me. But that didn’t seem to be the case at all. “Thanks,” I said. “That’s really helpful actually.”
 
Seth pointed at the paper in front of me. “Let’s see what’s on your list then.”
 
I hesitated briefly, then said, “You first.”
 
In response, he simultaneously snatched my list away and shoved his own toward me. “You’ll probably need some of that explained,” he said. “I used my own shorthand.”
 
Mine was similar, but I was too busy perusing his list – and trying to make sense of it – to say that out loud. “There were items like, “more Sir,” which was easy to interpret. But also “no no,” “privacy,” “nails,” “furniture,” and “Corsets?” Of course, there was also an entry for kneeling.
 
What perplexed me was that my list had focused on scheduling – keeping with alarms in the morning, even on weekends, when to do chores, that sort of thing. “Yeah, I can figure out, like, two of these,” I said.
 
“And why does yours read like a checklist?” he shot back.
 
“What’s wrong with that?” I replied.
 
He began gesturing before he began to speak. A sure sign I was in for another lecture. “Changing patterns of behavior and creating new habits is all well and good, but I want you to think about why you’re doing these things,” he explained. “Not just be some mindless drone.”
 
“That wasn’t my intention at all,” I whined.
 
“I also want you to think about who you are doing these things for,” he continued. “Yourself, yes. But also me. Maybe I haven’t been clear on this, but my goal here is for this to be a service-oriented partnership. Which means your focus should be on me when you’re here, meeting my needs, and pleasing me.”
 
“Your goal is to lecture me to death!” I exclaimed.
 
Rather than escalate, however, Seth simply sat back and crossed his arms. “Are you not interested in the same thing?”
 
“I thought I was,” I replied, more subdued now. “I actually thought I showed that in my list.”
 
“This is housework,” he said, tapping the pages. “Something which – I think I said this, but in case I didn’t – something I’m more willing to help with now that you’re working. It’s part of being an adult. That – ” He indicated his list. “is about me, and what I want you to do for me specifically.”
 
There is a nerve that runs down the front of my body. It starts somewhere between my breasts and runs down to my pelvis. I don’t know if it’s a physical thing that would show up in x-rays, but when I feel it, it’s a sure sign that someone – or something – has hit a sort of sweet spot in my libido. Cut through all the bullshit and found the exact thing that turns me on.
 
I had first felt it through portrayals of bondage and kidnappings in film. That scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Marion was tied to a pole had hit that nerve while I was still too young to know what it meant. As I grew older, the ways to find it had grown more sophisticated.
 
Seth was hitting it now.
 
I swallowed hard and prayed that my desire wasn’t written all over my face. I had never hidden emotions well. “Can you explain what some of this means then?”
 
He turned the paper slightly to remind himself what he’d written. “First of all, I want to be addressed as Sir more often,” he started.
 
And would you believe I let that go without a sarcastic comment? I was surprised too, but there seemed little reason to goad him. I nodded silently.
 
“I was also reading about – and hear me out because I don’t like the sound of this either – slave positions.”
 
“Okay … ”
 
Seth sat forward again and looked like a child with a new favorite toy. I wondered how much I was going to regret introducing him to those forums.
 
“I won’t ask you to contort yourself that way, but I wondered if there wasn’t some way to modify them,” he continued. “I thought you could kneel for me when you get home from work as a way of shifting your focus.”
 
I liked the idea more than I wanted to admit. “We could try it,” I said.
 
“No objections?” he asked, the suspicion evident all over his face. “Or are you simply saying what you think I want to hear?”
 
“No,” I said simply. “I actually like it.”
 
“What will I do if you aren’t arguing with me?” he asked.
 
“Enjoy it while it lasts?” I suggested. “After all, we’re not very far into this list of yours. What is ‘no no’ anyway?”
 
“Ah, something else I came across,” he said. “Someone’s rule was that they aren’t allowed to use the word ‘no.’ In any context.”
 
“Oh, that is not going to fly,” I said.
 
“Again, let me explain,” he said. “It wouldn’t mean that you couldn’t disagree with me. Only that I would need more explanation than a simple ‘no’ provides.”
 
Alright, I was starting to see his point. And it might even make an interesting challenge. Someday. “I still want to veto it,” I said.  “What is ‘nails’ and ‘furniture’?”
 
“I want you to stop biting your nails,” he replied.
 
“Excuse me? Trust me, I’ve tried. Bu that is a very old habit, and I don’t think it’s something you’re going to break me of,” I told him.
 
“Has anything ever worked?” he asked.
 
“I mean, I’ve gotten the occasional manicure, with fake nails and all that, but they’re expensive and only last a couple of weeks,” I explained. “Why do you even care about this?”
 
“I don’t like it,” he said, pointing at my hands. Several of the nails there had been bitten down to the quick. “It looks messy and unprofessional.”
 
And yet, I had gotten this job in spite of them, I thought. And I was pretty sure it wasn’t my nails that had kept me from getting previous ones. This wasn’t 1960. “I don’t disagree, but – ”
 
“I will finance manicures, if that will help,” he said.    
 
I wrote it down. 
 
“Second, I like the idea of you not being allowed on furniture,” he said. “Again, not all the time, but I don’t think you asking permission to be off the floor is unreasonable.”
 
There was that nerve again. I wrote it down, and promised myself a date with my vibrator for later. “Why does corsets have a question mark after it?”
 
“Because that was the one I wasn’t sure how you would react to it,” he replied.
 
The only one, huh? I thought. He didn’t know me that well yet. Did he?
 
“Have you ever tried waist training?” he continued.
 
I pictured the simple black corset that had so far remained hidden beneath underwear and bras in my dresser drawer. “I mean, I’ve worn a corset, but that’s not the same thing as training.”
 
“What’s the difference?” he asked.
 
I was astounded that he could have done so much reading and not understood better than this. “The difference?” I asked. “The difference is between wearing it for a couple of hours a night, once or twice a month, vs. wearing it several hours a day. Ideally, all but a few hours a day.”
 
“But you work up to that, right?” he countered. “It’s a discipline?”
Now, his reasoning was clearer. “True,” I said. “And I – I’ve tried it. It’s not something I can make myself stick to. But I also have to say that wearing a corset puts me in a similar headspace as rope. It’s a type of bondage for me.”
 
This wasn’t me trying to get out of a potential new rule, and I hoped I had conveyed that. Seth looked thoughtful. “So it’s probably not feasible for work. Especially a job you’re still learning. Does that sound right?”
 
“Exactly,” I said, relieved. “But you do realize that there are people who have this sort of relationship without rules at all? Like, this might all be unnecessary?”
 
Seth regarded me with narrowed eyes, more than a little confused. “Is that what you want?” he asked.
 
All of a sudden, I was overcome with emotion. Even I hadn’t seen it coming, and I knew it would be difficult to explain. I began to pace, partly to clarify my thoughts, and partly so I wouldn’t have to stare into his eyes.
 
“I don’t know,” I said finally. “I don’t think so, not right away at least. I mean, we’re talking about a lot of things, so I want to write it down, just to keep track of what we decide, but – ”
 
“That was my thought too,” he said and shifted in his chair to face me. “I want something, in black and white, that we can point to. Even if it only serves to prove that we agreed on something.”
 
He finished with a wry grin., no doubt as an attempt to add some levity to the proceedings. But I wasn’t there yet. “I don’t want to fight you,” I said. “The problem is that I’m fighting myself.”
 
“How so?” he asked.
 
A knock sounded at the door. Much as I liked our neighbors, they certainly had lousy timing. I opened the door to find Alex beaming at me. Quite a change from her usual, more cynical expression. “Claire says we’re kidnapping you to get ice cream with us,” she said.
 
“God, I can’t – I’m really sorry,” I told her. The disappointment was real. This conversation was work and we still weren’t that far into it yet.
 
Alex’s expression returned to its normal, dour state as she glanced toward the inside of the apartment. “You okay?” she mouthed silently. Her mouth moved in an exaggerated fashion to make sure her message got through.
 
I stared at her blankly for a moment before it dawned on me what she was really saying. “Oh! Yeah. It’s just that, with the new job, we have to figure out a new budget and all that. It’s sort of a state of the union type conversation, you know?”
 
Alex nodded though she still looked a little skeptical. “Congrats on that, by the way.”
 
“Thanks,” I smiled.
 
Their door opened then, and Claire joined us. “Hey, babe – you coming into the City with us?” she asked.
 
“Nah – she has to be an adult,” Alex deadpanned.
 
“Sorry,” I shrugged.
 
They left, promising I wouldn’t get out of future plans so easily, and I returned to Seth. “Sorry about that,” I muttered.
 
“Not your fault,” he assured me. “I appreciate you sticking around for this though. Even if you are being abused.”
 
So much for our attempted subtlety. “I actually appreciate that she was concerned enough to ask,” I retorted. “Where were we again?”
 
“For reasons that are still unclear, you’re fighting yourself over this contract,” he said.
 
“Right,” I nodded. Going for ice cream would have been so much more fun, so much less pressure than this. This must be what maturity feels like, I thought. No wonder I had resisted it for so long.
 
There was too much to explain to Seth, however. Too many demons that weren’t up to him to slay. Maybe it wasn’t worth going into all that with him. “It probably doesn’t matter,” I said out loud. “I guess I just wish this wasn’t necessary.”
 
Seth leapt out of his chair to confront me. For a moment, I wondered if he was going to hit me. Despite the aggression, however, he still appeared more confused than angry. “Wait a minute!” he yelled and pointed back toward the table and our notes there. “If this contract – this agreement – whatever you want to call it, is going to cause more problems, if you’re going to end up backing out – ”
 
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I said.
 
“Then what!” he shouted.
 
I took a deep breath and unleashed all of my frustration. “Every time I look at those pages, or think about what I want out of all this, it’s a reminder of just how bad I fucked up! You just said it yourself too – this should be basic adulting, 101 shit that I should be able to do on my own. Instead, I need you. This idea I had, that I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need anyone is all bullshit. That’s what I’m dealing with. See, I was listening to you in the car after all.”
 
Seth crossed his arms and eyed me with a level of empathy I wouldn’t have expected from him. I thought back to his outburst in the car and his admission at the time that none of this had been part of his plan either.
 
He knew exactly how I felt.
 
“First of all, I don’t think of it as either of us needing the other,” he explained. “I think of it as two people supporting each other and making each other’s lives a little easier because none of us are lone wolves out here. No matter how much we think we are. I probably should have figured this out years ago myself.”
 
Had he revealed more than he had intended? It was a rare moment of candor that bordered on vulnerability. I wasn’t mollified yet, however. “That doesn’t change the fact that I failed pretty spectacularly,” I said. “Like, no one should have had to say, ‘Don’t steal from your friend.’”
 
“Okay, let’s take that part out of the equation for a minute,” he said and resumed his pacing. “Let’s look at what led to that. Life is not intuitive. There’s no instruction manual. Everyone learns by fucking up.”
 
I opened my mouth to speak, but he held up a hand and cut me off.
           
“Just listen for a minute – I’m feeling generous, and I don’t know how long it’s going to last,” he said with a grin. “My point is that, until that last act, you didn’t do anything worse than most of the people in this country. You overspent? On the wrong things? Join the fucking club. There’s a reason bankruptcy courts are full and credit cards are so easy to get. It’s all a trap. You’re not unique for not seeing it.”
           
He glanced around at the apartment. “The way we’re dealing with it might be unusual, but nothing else about you is.”
           
Part of me wished he had expressed any part of these sentiments during our cross-country drives. The rest of me knew they would have fallen on deaf, defiant ears. “Wow – thanks,” I said. “I appreciate that.”
 
            “That doesn’t make any of it okay,” he amended. “Your actions are understandable, not excused.”
 
            My back had been to him, and I shook my head. “There’s the real you!” I exclaimed. “I knew you were under there somewhere!”
 
            As I turned to face him again, however, I realized that every time I expected him to escalate, raise his voice, lash out, he did the opposite. This time, for example, he stuck his hands in his pockets and adopted a condescending air. “More like this is reality, babe,” he retorted. “Your mistakes may be common, but you still need to work at correcting them.”
 
            It would do no good to point out how smug he was being, or that he wasn’t perfect either. That argument would get ugly and out of control quickly. Further, it would get us no closer to the thing we both actually seemed to want – a dominant/submissive contract.
 
            “That’s what I’m trying to do,” I said as I made my way back to the table.
 
            “Good,” he said, following me. “Because I can’t make you do anything or force you to change. If that’s truly something you’re interested in, we either do this, or we start over with some other plan from scratch.”
 
            This reaction he was having was precisely why I hadn’t wanted to go down this road. I still marveled at Seth’s ability to be both comforting and judgmental in the same breath. “I do want this,” I said and took a place behind my chair. My arms draped over the back. “Like I said, my fight is with me, not you.”
 
            “Listen,” he said as he mirrored my stance across from me. His tone was softer now. “If I’m hard on you, it’s because I do see your efforts, and I don’t want you to throw all that away.”
 
            And for all his contradictions, he was rarely unfair. More often than not, our arguments had resulted in a greater understanding between us. A surprising feature given our adventures so far.
 
            “You may not believe this, but not following through with this was never an option for me,” I said. “But I’m still coming to terms with a lot.”
 
            “Shall we then?” he asked as he picked up his pages. I nodded. “A few last thoughts then. First, I want some type of general rule on top. I can’t possibly predict every task I’ll ever give you.”
 
            “That’s fair,” I smiled. “So, do what you say, and no one gets hurt?”
 
            “Something like that,” he said. “Though I seem to remember pain not being a deterrent for you.”
 
            “No, it still isn’t,” I conceded.
 
            “Right, so I think the last thing I have on there is privacy,” he said. “This place isn’t big, but we both deserve to have a place we can retreat to without the other. I propose our bedrooms. You can’t enter mine without permission, and I won’t enter yours without permission. Deal?”
 
            I wrote that down too.
 
            “If you don’t have anything else, type it up and we’ll go from there,” he said. For some reason, neither of us had retaken our seats. As if we were both still on edge, ready to pounce at the slightest provocation.
 
            “I actually do have one more thing,” I ventured. This was going to be the scariest suggestion yet, but I had to get it out before I lost my nerve. “Well, two.”  
 
            “What’s that, doll?” he asked.
 
            “First, Robert and I did a thing where, when we were together for a meal, I let him start eating before I did. I always liked that one.”
 
            “Done,” he said. “What else?”
 
            Fuck me, I thought. Right here and now. Fuck me hard. Take all the control from me, and just fuck me. “What about sex?” I asked out loud. “Is it still off the table?”
 
            “Yes, it is,” he replied, and didn’t even give me a chance to protest. “There is too much newness here as it is. I won’t add another complication at this point.”
 
            I had expected as much, and could always give myself orgasms. But the memories of the ones he had given me were still strong. The thought of them ignited that nerve down the front of my body. “After all, you already have whatshername down in Jersey,” I said. “And hopefully, I’ll find someone once we start going to munches and parties.”
 
            “We’re not serious, by the way,” he said quickly. “I could tell her tomorrow that I’m leaving town and she’d say, ‘see ya. Have a nice life.’ No strings.”
 
This seemed to be his way of reassuring me that this other woman was not my competition. But what I heard was that I was strings. I was the obligation. Otherwise, that was a lot of words for something that ultimately mattered very little to me. “You’re not big on relationships, are you?” I asked.
 
“Off and on,” Seth shrugged. “Depends on your definition of relationship. This is a relationship.”
 
“I mean romantic relationships that go beyond being fuck buddies,” I said.
 
“Off and on,” he said with a grin.  
 
His demeanor offered no further insights, and I was in no mood to belabor the point. So, with nothing else to add, I said, “I’ll get started on this then.” And then retreated to my room. I couldn’t let him see my disappointment or how much I wanted him.
 
It would all wait.
 
When I presented the proposed contract to him later that evening, he was surprised at the speed, but otherwise approved. “The only thing I wasn’t sure of was how long to make it for,” I said.
 
“Make it 30 days,” he said. “If, at the end, we don’t come across any huge problems or obstacles, we can make it for a year, complete with a collar. What is your opinion of collars anyway?”
 
“I like them,” I said. “Obviously, I can’t have anything too, well, obvious, but if we’re going to do this – make it all official and everything, it would be nice to have something subtle.”
 
"Deal,” he said. But as he studied the document an extra moment, it was clear he had come up with one more one last thing. “Can you grab my pen from the table?”
 
 I returned with it and he began writing. “It’s not fair that you’re the only one with rules here,” he said. “I’m adding my own responsibility, that I am to support and guide you without causing harm.”
 
 This time, the sting of tears wasn’t a negative. You know how people always warn you about red flags? They’re so quick to point them out that they never to think to point out green flags, or reasons to continue a relationship. The entire negotiation had been full of green flags for me, and I found myself dumbfounded again.
 
 “Y – yes, Sir,” I said. 

--

Yet another aspect of their relationship that I felt needed a closer examination.  In the original, we never see Seth decide to stay, we don't know when it happens. He simply does. Nothing wrong with that but I thought it could be improved. 

And I love their entire negotiation. Of course she is still coming to terms with stuff, of course she is still adusting. He's used to moving every so often and starting over. She isn't. I wanted to be sure we saw that. 

And that nerve? Very, very real for me.