Myths of Kink - Kink is Just a Clique Away

The Myth –
Kink parties and get togethers are very unwelcoming to newcomers. No one talks to new people – they just stick to the people they already know. How is anyone supposed to break through the barrier when there are so many cliques?
 
The Short Truth –
Kink groups aren’t so different than any other special interest group. It takes time to establish yourself and find your place.
 
The Longer Truth –
Kink encompasses a wide array of activities. People are naturally going to gravitate to others with similar interests. What looks like cliques could be the rope enthusiasts hanging out in one area, while people interested in D/s relationships hang out in another, and leadership is somewhere else entirely trying to plan the next month’s activities.
 
If you’re a gamer, think of it role players hanging out separately from video gamers hanging out separately from board gamers. It’s not so different. And you’re likely to see those groups at any kink event as well (seriously, kinksters are huge nerds and I say that as a nerd who loves nerds).
 
There may be other dynamics at play too. People have histories with each other. Depending on how often the group meets, this may be the only chance people have to see some of their kinky friends. The group I attend held several events a month in the before times, but not everyone goes to every event. So there are people I might not see for weeks and when I do, I want to spend time with them and catch up.
 
Which leads to my first point.
 
Attend More Than Once
People are busy. Well, we used to be. Between families, jobs, other social activities, most people don’t have time to go to every kink event offered. My group holds a minimum of two weekend parties a month. Then there’s usually at least one special interest group that holds their own party. Plus munches during the week.
 
It’s a lot.
 
Therefore, every event is going to have at least a slightly different mix of people. And sometimes, it’s just an off night. Not every party is going to be high energy. Everyone is dealing with life outside, or the group as a whole may be going through a rough time.
 
As an introvert, I’ve been to plenty of parties where all I wanted was to stick to my own little group of friends. Maybe it was a rough week at work. Maybe I have a specific scene planned and I’m mentally preparing for that. I try to be friendly to everyone, but I know I often fail.
 
Further, there is so much in kink that revolves around trust. And I’m not just talking about relationships or topping/bottoming. Lots of people don’t use their real names at kink events or are able to talk about their jobs openly. Be mindful of people’s privacy. You may be the most ethical, dependable person in the world, but no one is going to know that the first time they meet you.
 
Social Norms Still Apply
If it’s your first time in a dungeon or play space, you’re in for a lot of new sights. People might be naked, they might be getting tied up and beat, or set on fire. Maybe someone has set up a bootblacking station. It’s fascinating what we can figure out to do to each other. And if people are doing it in “public,” they probably don’t mind having people watch.
 
If it’s done respectfully.
 
Leering, standing too close to someone else’s scene, interrupting someone else’s scene, being too loud near someone else’s scene, touching people or toys without permission, are all no-nos. Different groups are going to have different rules too, so see if the one you’re going to has any type of orientation for newcomers.
 
My group has a special time set aside once a month where new people are greeted, given a list of rules, and a tour of the space. But no matter what party you come to, there will be someone around who will give a tour.
 
After that, it’s up to you. And just because you’re in a kinky space doesn’t mean all the conversations revolve around sex or even kink. Do you know how many conversations I’ve had at my dungeon about the most recent Marvel or Star Wars movie? A lot. I spent an hour one night just talking about Tom Hardy movies with a friend because we had just figured out we were both fans.
 
Be interesting. Read the room. Ask your questions but again, do so respectfully.
 
Not For Everyone
I’m a huge proponent of getting involved with one’s local kink community. None of them are perfect or any type of utopia, but it’s the best way I know to get to know real people and learn from them. If I had stuck to only trying to learn online (especially in the pre-Fetlife days), I never would have been aware of all the possibilities. I never would have met any of the awesome people I know or had most of the relationships I’ve had.
 
For me, going out to a dungeon was life changing and one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Was it scary? Of course. I was a single woman who, despite my age, was still incredibly naïve about a lot of things. And it absolutely took some time to find my feet, but I have learned so much about the world and myself since then.
 
Nevertheless, even I recognize that the public scene simply isn’t for everyone. Maybe you prefer to learn from books and videos, or only explore sensations with a partner, or simply aren’t a social creature. There are plenty of valid reasons for not getting involved.
 
Conclusion
But if you do decide to venture out, keep in mind that no one instantly fits in. We were all new once. Most of us remember those first tentative steps, no matter how long it’s been.
 
Give us a chance. As they say, we won’t bite unless you ask.