Myths of Kink - Consent is Too Tedious

The Myth –
In order to get consent, you must sit down with the other person and meticulously go through each and every possible activity ahead of time, probably with a checklist. The items on this list will not change. What is allowed will always be allowed and what is not allowed will never be allowed.
 
The Short Truth –
Unless you have a checklist fetish, there are far more interesting – and fun – ways to make sure you have consent from your partner(s). But not all “consent” is created equal.
 
The Longer Truth –
Planned Parenthood has developed a model regarding consent that I really like. The acronym used is FRIES – consent is Freely given, Revokable, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.
 
I’ll explore those in a minute. But I feel it is also important to say up front that consent is for everyone. Men can have their consent violated. Sex workers can have their consent violated. Children can have their consent violated. Even people who identify as submissives or slaves – meaning they have given some amount (or all) of authority to another person(s) can have their consent violated.
 
Everyone is allowed to say no. To anything. At any time. You may or may not give an explanation. You may or may not be able to articulate the reasoning for days, weeks, or even years. Doesn’t matter.
 
A no is a no. And it’s not just about sex/sexual activity. We should be getting consent for any number of everyday activities. My friends and I routinely ask if hugs are okay. If I start a text conversation where I need to vent, or requires a lengthy explanation, I ask if the other person has the time/energy. 

Respect for boundaries is respect for all boundaries.
 
Freely Given/Enthusiastic
“Come on, baby. Do it for me. Just this once? I swear, I’ll never ask again.”
 
“But it’s fun! I’ve never had anyone say no before. You just haven’t had anyone do it to you the way I do it. Open your mind and don’t be so closed off!”
 
Can you figure out what’s wrong with these sentences? If you said everything, get yourself a cookie.
 
Questions regarding an answer of no aren’t inherently bad. If your goal is to understand the other person’s perspective. But pressuring them into a yes? Coercing them and making them feel inferior for saying no? Don’t do it.
 
A common activity in kink is electric play – sometimes, that’s with a tens unit but I’ve also seen actual cattle prods and stun guns. Regardless, it's a hard limit. No, I haven’t tried it. No, you can’t convince me that you can make me like it. There is something about electricity that legitimately scares me – and not in the fun way. I don’t fully understand it but it shouldn’t matter. For years, I had tops trying to talk me into doing it. All that did was make my "no" more adamant.
 
Same goes with everything from hugs to sex. If there is a threat – real or implied – then any yes you get is based on fear, not an actual willingness to do what you want. That yes was not freely given and it is not enthusiastic.
 
Revokable
As stated above, consent can be withdrawn at any time. It can be withdrawn in the middle of an activity.  It can be withdrawn due to the person(s) involved, setting, etc. Just because someone was okay with you hugging them last time you saw them, don’t assume they are every time.
 
I really like hugging as an example. It seems so innocuous. In my friends group, we hug each other even if it’s only been a day since we last saw each other (well, we did in the before times, that is). But it isn’t always that easy, is it? There are people I don’t want touching me at all. Sometimes I’m in a really fragile or vulnerable mood and any touch from anyone is likely to send me into tears.
 
Learn to ask. Every time.
 
Informed/Specific
“Wanna hang out later?
 
What do you think of when you see these words? Imagine we’re not in a pandemic and that we are free to get together in any way at any time. You know, like last January.
 
Personally, I see something different depending on who is sending the message. I have one partner who I get together with just to watch movies and snuggle. They’re a delightful human and I enjoy any time I can get with them, whether we talk comic books, the latest movie we saw, or our jobs. Our nights have ended in sex but generally not.
 
I have another partner who I regularly invite over to tie me up and beat me. There’s often dinner first, but the goal is tying and beating.
 
I have other friends who would use that invite to have dinner together or go shopping. Maybe go hiking.
 
So if I say yes thinking that all I’m agreeing to is dinner and then the person expects sex, there’s going to be a problem.
 
“But I asked if you wanted to hang out – what did you think I meant?” is not the proper response, by the way.
 
Be specific about expectations. Again, this doesn’t have to involve a checklist. My snuggle partner and I have been known to ask ahead of time what is on the table. Same with the tying and beating partner. We all have boundaries – sometimes those boundaries shift for whatever reason (health, mood, etc.).
 
Talk about expectations. Make sure everyone knows what they’re getting into.
 
Conclusion
I love clarity. I love knowing my partner and I want the same things. I’m turned on by open, honest communication. The feeling of being “forced” can be enticing but only if you want to be “forced.” Actual force? Actually pushing past my stated boundaries? Not okay.
 
For me, one of the sexiest words in the world is “yes.”
 
Imagine it. You’re in bed with someone who wants to be in bed with you. You’ve talked about it and you’re both ready for sex with the other. But maybe this is your first time together. Maybe you’re still discovering all the little ways to turn each other on. The other person leans in for a kiss and whispers, “is this okay? Do you like this?”
 
And actually waits for an answer.
 
That pause holds everything – trust, knowledge, intimacy, integrity, honesty.
 
How you answer is up to you.