I remember everything

You were among the first people I met in the kink community. You explained sub drop to me and comforted me when I didn't yet understand what I was feeling. 

You welcomed me into your home, treated me like Family. How many laughs around that pool? How many scenes in that basement? I remember one where bottoms walked around in a circle in a perverted type of musical chairs while tops hit us with riding crops. I think that was the first time S kissed me. 

I based one of my favorite early characters on you. Including so many of my favorite personalities was my way of honoring the community that had welcomed me. How could I resist portraying someone who could turn men's balls into pin cushions with such glee? 

We had similar backgrounds with restrictive religions. As a result, we had each come into kink a little later than others. I felt seen. I felt validated. You understood, you listened, and reassured me that I wasn't alone. 

I also remember when the scenes got darker. A few even took some left turns. I chalked it all up to you having a bad night, an error in judgment. Certainly forgivable. And yet, the shine was starting to wear off our friendship.

And then things really started to fall apart. A schism in our formerly close-knit community. I remember you leading the charge. I remember the deliberate antagonism and lies. I remember you choosing the side of a predator and the sense of betrayal some of us felt. By the time you were actually gone, it was a relief. 

I think I've seen you once since? A funeral for a mutual friend. We barely acknowledged each other. I was distracted by the loss and barely registered that you were there. 

This past weekend, I could no longer ignore you so easily. So weird to come face to face with you and feel ... nothing. None of the former affection, none of the love. I could only go cold and numb. I realize now that it was a defense mechanism against your own frostiness. 

I wonder now what was the point? What were you hoping to achieve? Maybe you were hoping no one would be left who would remember you and what you did. Maybe you came to compare us to your new group. Maybe you thought we couldn't succeed without you. Or that you would be welcomed back with whatever the kink equivalent is to a fatted calf. 

Were you disappointed? Is that why you fled so quickly? Maybe you got some of the same flashbacks I did. 

Actually, I hope I am lingering in your mind the same way you're lingering in mine. I hope you remember and I hope you are aware of what you've lost. Because I'm good. I have actual supportive people around me who I cherish. 

I'm not sorry you're no longer one of them.