Backed Redux … Chapter 6

​Nebraska was mind-numblingly dull. No curves or hills to speak of, only endless fields stretching to the horizon and beyond. In front of me, a straight, flat, hypnotizing road. I wasn’t a bit surprised when Seth slept through most of it.
           
In fact, I envied him. Not because he was spared the boredom of this enormous state, but because sleep came so easily to him. I needed a bed – preferably my own – with room to move and blankets piled high. And pillows. Fluffy, fluffy pillows.
           
I blinked and shifted in my seat to keep myself awake. For most of this part of the drive, my anxiety had been enough. While Seth slept, my brain churned, turning in on itself as it reminded me of every little thing I had ever done wrong. Not just this most recent event either. It dredged up decades old incidents too. And like a hamster on a wheel, it kept spinning, never letting me forget any of it.
 
Curling up in a bed forever was more inviting than I would have thought possible.
 
Meanwhile, the mile marker told me it was less than 100 miles until we hit Denver. The scenery was bound to get more interesting soon. Maybe I would finally be distracted enough to get out of my own head for a minute.
           
Seth’s voice sounded from the passenger seat as he stretched his arms out in front of him. “Are we there yet?”
           
I met his eyes with a steely stare, and he winked at me. “No,” I told him. “In fact, at this point, I’m convinced that the state of Nebraska is as wide as this whole goddamn country.”
           
“You may be right,” he said with a yawn.
           
“There’s a rest stop coming up in a few miles. I was going to stop for a bathroom break and dinner,” I said. “What do you think?”
           
“Sounds good,” he said and twisted his neck until it cracked twice.  
 
More questions begged to be asked, but I gave Seth a few miles to fully awaken before broaching them.
 
“Can I ask you something, or are you sick of my questions by now?” I said finally.
 
“Go ahead,” he replied.
 
“Why am I here?” I asked. “Like, why bother with me at all?”
 
I watched Seth shift so that he almost faced me. “Well, the main reason was so I could keep tabs on you. I didn’t trust you to be by yourself and not try to warn Paul of what was coming. I told you that.”
 
“And I get that part,” I said. “But now you’re talking about being partners or something? Like, aren’t you afraid I’ll only fuck everything up?”
 
Seth sighed loudly. “First of all, you should know that I am not a fan of passive aggressiveness. If you want to know what I think of you, or something you’ve done, all you have to do is ask. Second – ”

“I’m pretty sure I don’t have to ask to know you think I’m an idiot,” I snapped.
 
“Second of all,” he breathed. “I could use a partner out here, and somewhere under there, under the series of stupid decisions, is a competent person.”
 
I glanced over at him in confusion. “How – how do you do that?” I asked. “How do you insult me and compliment me in the same breath?”
 
“The truth is not an insult, Dani,” he countered. “Don’t tell me you’re trying to deny your part in the shambles your life has become.”
 
“Of course not,” I said. “I just don’t need the reminder right now. My own brain is doing a good enough job of that on its own.”
 
“No, no, no,” he said. From the corner of my eye, I could see him wagging a finger at me. “You’re not getting out of facing this. You’re not running away from it this time.”
 
“What are you talking about?” I argued. “When have you seen me run away from anything?”
 
“Well, off the top of my head, there was the jewelry business you were excited about,” he said. He ticked the items off on his fingers. “I don’t remember anything coming of that. There was therapy that you went to what, once? And weren’t there cooking lessons or something in there. It might have been sewing.”
 
It had been neither. I had gotten some recipes from online that I wanted to try, but no one to try them out with. And an acquaintance had agreed to teach me to crochet, but I’d never followed up with her. And how did he remember all of that anyway?
 
“Supplies cost money. Craft shows cost money to vend at. And I’m broke, remember?” I said. “And I lost the job with the good insurance so therapy was out after that. But I doubt you know what any of that is like. Paydays like this probably happen all the time for you!”
 
“Those are all excuses, Dani,” he said. “You stopped because things got difficult, not because they were impossible. And no, paydays like this are not common for me. In fact, this one was supposed to help me get out of town and move on. But now that’s put on hold because of you too!”
 
“What do you mean, get out of town?” I asked. “Move on from what?”
 
“It was time,” he said simply.
 
Time for what, I didn’t know. And I was sure he wouldn’t tell me, in spite of his assurances to the contrary. A sign for the rest stop I’d been looking forward to said it was only one more mile away. I could barely wait.
 
“For future reference – by the way – these little lectures of yours are a way better punishment than anything else you’ve done to me,” I said as I slowed for the off ramp. “You might want to keep that in mind.”
 
“I have no doubt you’re correct,” he said. “Physical pain tends to be fleeting. Dealing with our own demons, our own minds, is far more difficult. It’s no wonder you have little interest in it.”
 
I could feel the tears begging to be unleashed. I parked quickly then snatched my purse from the back seat. “Do you want anything?” I asked.
 
“Oh, I’m coming with you,” he said. “Do you have money? Cash, not a bank card?”
 
“Actually, I do have a little,” I told him. “But what happened to trusting me?”
 
“There are limits,” he said.
 
“And treating me like a person, a partner even, instead of a fugitive? What happened to that?” I asked.
 
“There are limits to that too,” he said and nodded toward the large building in front of us. “Let’s go.”
 
Inside, I hurried for the restroom. I couldn’t let him see me crying one more time. Couldn’t admit how deeply his words had cut me. Who needed a knife at this rate?
 
I sat in the stall and wept as silently as I knew how. It certainly wouldn’t do any good to have some nosey stranger get too inquisitive. When the worst had passed, I exited to find Seth waiting for me. He leaned against the wall, one leg bent, hands in his coat pockets, as nonchalant as anyone has ever looked.
 
“Listening again, I see,” I said, and started to walk past him. But he stepped in front of me and blocked my path.
 
“You listen to me,” he said in a near whisper. “I will never lie to you. You may not always like the truth. It may not be easy to hear. But I don’t tolerate dishonesty. From anyone. Is that clear?”
 
“Sure,” I shrugged. Anything to get away from him. “Can I eat now?”

He moved to the side and motioned for me to go on. “After you.”
 
My stomach threatened to shut down again, but I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t give it something. The rest stop had a fried chicken restaurant and I decided to try that instead of another burger. I also bought a trashy looking paperback so I would have more to look at than barns and fields.
 
Seth raised an eyebrow when he saw the book. “I don’t need depth,” I told him. “I need a distraction.”
 
“Fair enough,” he said.
 
Before leaving, Seth pulled over to the nearby pumps to get gas and agreed to take over behind the wheel. “How much further?” I asked as I nibbled on a chicken leg.
 
“If I push through the night, we should be there sometime tomorrow morning,” he said. He shrugged out of his coat as he continued. “Why don’t you stretch out in back. You can take this. It’s warm and too bulky to drive in.”
 
“Thanks,” I said and reached for the door handle.
 
“Before you go – one last lecture,” he said. I turned back to face him. “Not lying to you includes not making promises I can’t keep. So you’re not going to get an ‘everything will be fine’ out of me. What I can promise is that we will work through this, step by step. We’ll figure it out as we go. Deal?”
 
I smiled as I hung my head. Figuring out each other seemed inherent in the process. And following his lead felt natural. “I like that actually,” I said. “And I appreciate it. A lot.”
 
“Good,” he said. “If you’re going, this would be the time.”
 
I scrambled into the backseat. My hooded sweatshirt was still balled up there, and I used it as a pillow.
 
Surprisingly, I slept several hours that way. Whenever I looked up and it was still dark, I simply closed my eyes again and time seemed to pass. At the next rest/gas stop, I moved back up to the front seat. It was just after 3 a.m., and we were in the middle of Utah which didn’t look to be any more interesting than Nebraska had been. In my mind, that made Seth and I even.
 
“You know what would make me feel better?” I asked once I was fully awake.
 
“What’s that?” he asked.
 
“If I could just contact Christine and let her know I’m okay,” I replied. “Maybe I could use your phone and text her? Or message her once we get to a hotel? Please? I – I need a voice that isn’t yours or mine. One that might actually placate me by saying everything’s going to be okay.”
 
“Maybe,” he conceded. “Once we have a better idea of what’s going on, I might let you text her. But under no circumstances are you to access Facebook or any other site that can track your location.”
 
“Okay,” I said and slumped down in my seat. “But she’s real trustworthy, and I’ve always told her everything. I mean, in this case, I wouldn’t tell her everything of course.”
 
“It’s been less than two days,” he said. “Are you used to talking to her every day?”
 
“No, but now feels like a really good time to,” I replied.
 
“Give me a chance to find Paul, and figure out our next step,” he said. “Then you’ll have more to tell her.”
 
At least it wasn’t an outright no. There was hope. “That’s fair,” I told him. “Any news from Nat?”
 
“She texted earlier to let me know Paul had rented a car, but she couldn’t tell what kind,” he said. “She was going to see if she could get into their system and figure it out, but that might not be possible.”
 
“How do you know her again?” I asked. “I know why, but – ”
 
“We went to college together,” he said. “We used to work together more closely – as hackers. It’s how I know I can trust her.”
 
I was dumbfounded. It explained a lot but not nearly enough. “Excuse me? What do you mean you used to work together?” I exclaimed. When he didn’t respond immediately, I continued. “How do you even do something like computer hacking – not to mention everything else you do – and then have the nerve to judge someone else’s life?”
 
Seth took a deep breath. “It didn’t get me in debt, and the way I do it isn’t illegal,” he said. If he considered that clarification, he was grossly mistaken. But I was also too impatient to wait through another lecture for answers.
 
“How the hell is hacking not illegal?” I asked.
 
“First of all, what we did in college, we mostly did to each other,” he said. I gaped at him skeptically and he continued. “There were a few of us who spent our free time taking computers apart and building our own. We also figured out how to work around the internet, which was pretty new at the time, and let’s just say we got very good at finding things that weren’t supposed to be found.”
 
“So instead of the usual porn, you went for … what exactly?” I couldn’t even finish the sentence let alone imagine how far he had gone with this.
 
“We broke into each other’s transcripts and then tried to come up with dirt on people in each other’s families – the computer nerd’s way of cutting each other down,” he said.
 
“You’re serious,” I said.
 
“Completely,” he answered. “Now, I actually do contract work for large companies that are looking to make their computer systems safer. It’s called ethical hacking. I find the holes and help fix them.”
 
I didn’t know what to say. Clearly, I’d judged him too harshly a minute ago but what else was I supposed to think? “How did I not know this?” I asked.
 
“Because of that, Dani” he said. “Your reaction just now is why I didn’t tell you sooner. Besides, would you have been nearly as interested in stories about ones and zeros as the ones about my gambling and collection efforts?”
 
“Probably not,” I said. “But you do realize that you don’t exactly look like your average computer geek, right? And with everything else I know about you – how else was I supposed to react?”
 
“You should have seen me in college,” he said laughing. “I definitely looked the part then.”
 
I shook my head, still trying to reconcile this new information and simultaneously picture him as a younger man. “So, what changed?” I asked. “How did you go from that to bounty hunting and … whatever else you do that I know is not legal?”
 
He had to think a minute. On anyone else, it would have looked like they were trying to find the best lie. On Seth, it looked more like he was trying to figure out how much to trust me with. “I went through a very angry period as a young man,” he said. “I hated almost everyone and needed a release. I taught myself how to fight and when I was done transforming myself, I found a line of work where I could use my new skills.  Now, I go back and forth between that and the hacking. It gives my life balance.”
 
“Why tell me any of this now?” I asked.
 
“It never came up before,” he said. “But now I need you to realize that I know what I’m talking about. I know what we were doing 15, almost 20 years ago and I know how much has changed in the meantime. There is no privacy out there anymore, and there are more and more people who know how to get to that information.”
 
Still certain he was being more than a little paranoid, I opened my book and attempted to be interested in the story. We didn’t talk much more until we approached the city. It was late morning on Saturday, less than 72 hours since Seth had first shown up at my apartment.