I have an account on what some refer to as The Black and Red site, aka Kinky Facebook. I go through periods of being super active followed by periods of great dormancy. Recently I've become active enough that if you search for kinksters under my rather large city, my name is on the first page of results. 

This means a lot of random followers and private messages. 

This series highlights some of the more egregious, laughable, and downright bananas messages to show up in my inbox. When possible - that is, when I have not blocked the person or they have not blocked me - I will include pertinent details about the other person (spoiler alert, it's not always men). I will also include CWs when I think a message is potentially triggering.
​...
I get a lot of guys who "want to get to know" me but have nothing to say. This one included. He was much older than me and the message title was simply, "Hi." I'll call him LM, a shortened version of his username. 

LM: Hello there.....How are you ?....I'm <name>...
You seem so fun and exciting....I would love to meet some nice folks and have some fun...

Me: Hello. What about my profile appealed to you?
As far as meeting people, I would suggest attending one of the local groups. <local group> for instance, has several events a month. There are links to a couple of their groups in my profile.

LM: Nice to hear from you....Well I do like your pics....love that naked body....Just looking to start off with a few nice folks and explore a bit....

Me: There's plenty more to me, but I guess you're not interested in any of that. Good luck with your search.

LM: Well of course I am interested....I was just breaking the ice...

Me: But you have yet to tell me what those things might be. And there isn't enough on your profile for me to see what we might have in common. I'm really not in the mood for 20 questions today.

LM: Ok sorry....I am just looking to have sexual fun with nice folks...I am still a bit new at this...

Me: And I've explained where to find some of them. Conversations here don't have to be that different from anywhere else.

LM: Ok....Thanks for the help....
...

And the ellipses. Can we stop with those??

I have an account on what some refer to as The Black and Red site, aka Kinky Facebook. I go through periods of being super active followed by periods of great dormancy. Recently I've become active enough that if you search for kinksters under my rather large city, my name is on the first page of results. 

This means a lot of random followers and private messages. 

This series highlights some of the more egregious, laughable, and downright bananas messages to show up in my inbox. When possible - that is, when I have not blocked the person or they have not blocked me - I will include pertinent details about the other person (spoiler alert, it's not always men). I will also include CWs when I think a message is potentially triggering.
...
I was going to be vending out of state and had posted in a group local to that event that I was looking for play partners. This guy, young enough to be my spawn, showed up in my inbox.  I'll call him BoyDom or BD.
BD: Hey Daphne!I saw that you're going to GKE Classic in November so I thought I'd say hi. I'm going to be alone and I won't know too many people there but I wanted to introduce myself. I'm into impact play, cuddling, and also some hair pulling. I saw on your profile that you are into some of these too so I hope we can talk and get to know each other better :)

Me: Hello! I will ne one of the room vendors, with chocolate and books. Feel free to stop by.

BD: Will do! Are you looking for any play at all? I'd love to get to know you!

Me: I will have my girlfriend with me along with another friend. And I don't normally play with people I don't know.

BD: Well can we get to know one another? You seem awesome!

Me: Your profile doesn't give me much to go on. So why me? New York has a large community - why not look for people closer to you and closer to your age?

BD: Well you're going to GKE! What should my profile include? I'll beef it up!

Me: There will be hundreds of people at GKE. Being at the same place doesn't give us much in common. I like profiles to include interests outside of kink. What tv shows or movies do you like? What books have you read? What are your hobbies? This tells me as much, if not more about a person, than their kinks.

BD: I see. Alright I'll add all that in. Do you usually play at GKE?

Me: I've only been once and yes, I played, but vending tends to wear me out. It's hard to predict what I will be in the mood for. Also, my girlfriend gets dibs :)

BD: Haha can I watch? Never even seen two girls kiss before

Me: If we're playing in public, anyone in the vicinity can watch. But it's not always overtly sexual - actually, most of the time, it isn't. And I'm not a fan of being leered at or treated as a novelty. Want to watch two women have sex? Watch porn.

BD: Geez didn't mean to offend you. Just telling you the truth. I wanna play tho. What do you look for in a guy?

Me: Who says I was offended? I was telling the truth too. Here's a tip - most people don't enjoy being unwillingly objectified.As for what I'm looking for, in anyone - someone I'm compatible with, with skills I'm interested in, who doesn't bring up sex or play first thing, and who is closer to my age. If I'm playing with someone new to me, I prefer to watch them and their play style with someone else first.

BD: So you would wanna watch me before we play basically?
...

That's when I gave up. And I never did see him at the event. Or at least he didn't announce himself if he came to the room. Just as well really.

Every now and then, I will come across some classic film I've never seen and decide to fill in that particular gap of movie knowledge. As I'm a fan of older, black-and-white pictures, this could mean Whatever Happened to Baby Jane or the Thin Man Series. Or it could mean 70s classics that I was too young for at the time like Midnight Cowboy. 

But as my interest in Black cinema increases (thanks, Jordan Peele for kickstarting that), I've noticed a lot of movies from the 90s specifically that I simply passed by at the time. 

I was in my teens and early 20s for most of the 90s. So a lot of the lessons from my younger years were still pretty ingrained. And most of those lessons involved some kind of binary. Gay and straight. Good and bad. Male and female. Black and white. These were the categories, and there was no attempt to understand anyone else's perspective or see the in betweens. 

So at the time, I would have said that movies like New Jack City, Boyz n the Hood, and others simply weren't for me. I was a white middle-class girl - how could I relate to street thugs in the inner city, gangs and turf wars? 

It's only in hindsight that I see the issues with any of that language and how it impacted my thinking. The Italians in the Godfather or Goodfellas were the mafia or gangsters. They were spoken of with reference and a touch of romanticism. But the same acts done by a Black kid made him a thug and a criminal. 

It's not that I minded that there were movies that weren't made for me. I had Goodfellas and they had other movies. It seemed fair, actually. They should have movies they can relate to. 

Yes, I've had A LOT of unpacking to do around those attitudes. 

But it also occurs to me how much British cinema I watched at the time. Specifically, Merchant Ivory pictures. Grand estates and elaborate period costumes, and closeted aristocracy, oh my! Naturally, this fandom continues as I eagerly awaited each season of Downton Abbey. 

But why? Do I secretly want to be part of that life? Is there anything about snooty Brits in corsets and other restrictive clothing that I can relate to? Okay, maybe the corsets...

Otherwise, no. I have nothing in common with those people. There's very little I can personally relate to. I appreciate the character development and humanity that is under all those ruffles and petticoats, but...

Guess what? There's humanity and character development in Boyz n the Hood too. But nice, white suburban girls weren't supposed to watch that sort of thing. 

Yeah, I still have some unpacking to do. And a lot of amazing film to catch up on.

I have an account on what some refer to as The Black and Red site, aka Kinky Facebook. I go through periods of being super active followed by periods of great dormancy. Recently I've become active enough that if you search for kinksters under my rather large city, my name is on the first page of results. 

This means a lot of random followers and private messages. 

This series highlights some of the more egregious, laughable, and downright bananas messages to show up in my inbox. When possible - that is, when I have not blocked the person or they have not blocked me - I will include pertinent details about the other person (spoiler alert, it's not always men). I will also include CWs when I think a message is potentially triggering.
...
Bored: how are you today?
Me:Pretty well. You?
Bored: Im good thanks :) just taking it easy today kinda boring haha
Bored (again): very bored
Me: Netflix is your friend.
Bored: well not mine I don't have it :(
Bored (AGAIN): I might just have to abuse myself haha
Me: Why would I care?
Bored: idk just making convo, im sorry your pics inspired me
Bored (again, but a day later): hey hows your day?
Me: Busy. it's not my responsibility to make sure you're not bored. Get a hobby.
...
Pro tip? I don't care if you jerk off to my pictures, mostly because there's nothing I can do about it. But I don't need to hear about it. 

I have an account on what some refer to as The Black and Red site, aka Kinky Facebook. I go through periods of being super active followed by periods of great dormancy. Recently I've become active enough that if you search for kinksters under my rather large city, my name is on the first page of results. 

This means a lot of random followers and private messages. 

This series highlights some of the more egregious, laughable, and downright bananas messages to show up in my inbox. When possible - that is, when I have not blocked the person or they have not blocked me - I will include pertinent details about the other person (spoiler alert, it's not always men). I will also include CWs when I think a message is potentially triggering.

This one is a doozy - long, misogynistic AF, and very One Twue Way. Buckle up. Oh, and my username was once Cavebabe. That will help make sense of some of this. I will call him MM as that's a shortened version of his name and yes, he's very much still active.
...
Convo 1 - 
MM: hello cave sub . Read your well written profile . sww all the pics and liked them all . Your big breasts were made for bondage and pain..thats for sure . You mentioned <local group> ..its been years since Ive been to a <local group> meeting . They used to be at a hotel south of me on 271 south I do recall . Lots of cool folks ..but the few timjes I was there its seemed very " clickish " ..the folks werent every friendly ..maybe even slightly stuck up . Has it changed for the better since back in those years ? if so ..id love to know more about it again . Where is it nowadays ? Thanks in advance . Cya <username>

Me: First, my name is Cavebabe and if you had actually read my profile, you would have seen that I don't actually identify as a submissive.And I have never known the people at <local group> to be anything but friendly, welcoming and helpful. We always have a buzzing social area where we are happy to welcome in other friendly people.

MM: well..excuse the fuck outta me for calling you a sub instead of a " Bottom " . and , for your info ..I DID read your profile . Are you always such a drama queen about such trivial things ? Cavebabe isnt REALLY your name either ..its just a name others know you as in this lifestyle ..so why get so bitchy about something so trivial ? Its shit like that that show someones true personalities . all you had to do was say something nice instead of acting like youre correcting me because I made some major mistake addressing . if thats what folks like you act like from <local group>..then you proved my point about <local group>..Im sorry I even wrote to you now . Later Drama Mama .


Me: Since when is someone's identity trivial? If I decided to call you a switch, would that be trivial?If you can't get something as basic as a name and identification right - when it's clear in black and white, what else are you going to get wrong? Why should I expect you to get anything else right?
And by the way, that was me being nice. I didn't curse at you or be nearly as nasty as I could have been. I simply answered with a correction and explanation about our group.
I'm not sorry you wrote - it gave me my laugh for the day.

MM: listen cavebitch ..calling someone a sub or a bottom is pretty much the same thing ..at least in the Alt.sexual lifestylers I know . Calling someone a different name that means the same thing isnt the same as you calling some thats a Dom a switch ..there two different things . If you had more experience in this lifestyle youd already know that . Your proving your lack of knowledge with every email you send . I was asking you a simple question and you had go and get all dramatic on me .btw ..calling ones self a " cavebabe " isnt very attractive either ..were you born in a cave ..do you live in a cave ..were you trained in a cave ? No ? I thought not ..so . whats up with the silly cave name ?
as for my laugh of the day ..it was looking at your pictures ..how did you get that big ? do you eat people for dinner ? You must weight ..what ..260 ..or more ? and your tits look like their hanging around your belly button ..I was shocked to see you posing for those pictures ..most folks would want to hide all that extra stuff hanging everywhere .
see ..where we`re at now ? insulting each other ..all because you had a mental meltdown over the meaning of the term sub or bottom ..which both pretty much mean the same damn thing . Right ?
all you had to do was be polite and just answer my simple question and then mention that you consider yourself more of a bottom then a sub ..and that woulod of been it ..eventhough once again we both know both terms equal the same outcome . Dont we ?
why do some of you sub/bottoms always have to go out of your way to act like a damn SAM ? 99% of all Dom/Tops hate SAMs ..just for this reason !
if you cant get something as simple as the term of what someone says to you , then how can you be expected to learn new things here or understand what Dom/Tops want , need and expect from the sub/slaves at these sites ?
youve got a very big , smartass mouth and sounds like you need some serious training and/or an attitude adjustment for such disrespect ..and you really should cut all the " drama queen " stuff off ..it makes you seem very ignorant and trivial ..
sub/slave = bottom ..bottom = subs/slave ..or at least it has for the 20 plus years Ive been in this lifestyle ..Im sure thats a lot longer than youve even known about this lifestyle ..
sorry If Ive been rude and ill mannered ..but I treat folks rudely that treat me as such ..sub/bottom or top/doms ..please try to learn from your mistakes and dont be so petty in the future ..
good luck ..cya at a munch sometime ..or not !
a REAL , Old school Dom/Top ..

Convo 2 (a year later) -

MM: hello sub . is your profile still active on this site ? if so , feel free to drop me a note to say hello . I`d like to know more about you .
Bye sub . <username) ( Sir 2 u please ) ty
Me: Hey, if you had bothered to look at my profile at all, you could see that I am indeed still active. Moreso than you it seems.
You also would have seen that I do not, in fact, identify as a submissive. I am a bottom and I do not consider the terms interchangeable. So no, I will not be referring to you or anyone else as Sir.
What else did you want to know?

Crickets

...

Phew. Most of my messages never get anywhere near that nasty. This guy is in his 60s and should have known better long ago. Pretty sure there are a lot of reasons he doesn't show up in person anymore. 

"I'm going to go have dinner and a cigar before therapy." 

I'm on the phone with my best friend. My own words sound foreign to my ears. I am not yet accustomed to these words in this order applying to me. "What has this character done to you?" she asks with a laugh. 

"This character" is Joe Connolly, the lead in my new book - see above link to Pairings. This character is different than my others. He's not based on anyone I know. Sure, he shares some characteristics with various people in my life, but he's not intentionally drawn from any one person. I both long to hang out with him in real life and be more like him. 

Joe's predominant trait is kindness. He's a therapist. He comes from a large Irish-Catholic family. He enjoys what I think of as light kink - spanking, religious play, D/s that focuses on service rather than rules. He enjoys fine wine and cigars. And he's asexual. 

See? Nothing like me. 

But did I start smoking because of him? Sort of. I've been fascinated for a while. And like a lot of people, I love the smell of cigars. I've attended cigar get togethers simply to be around it. So it wasn't a big leap though I have sort of dived in further than I had expected.  At best, he gave me the push and motivation that I needed to explore something new. 

He's also changed how I look at mental health to a degree. It's not a spoiler to say that, when we meet him, his sister has recently ended her own life. The first chapter of the book takes place at her wake. 

My research into people who have lost loved ones to suicide has shown me new ways to empathize and given me new perspectives. Now, when the subject comes up, my ears perk up a little more, and I can almost approach it through his eyes. Obviously, I'm not pretending to know what the actual experience is like. But I do have a greater understanding now. 

And no, he's not why I've started therapy. That has been a long, long time coming. He may have been a factor, but he was one of many.

What has Joe done to me? I guess it's complicated.  He's certainly broadened my understanding on a number of topics. And I think that's what a good character does. They should make us think. They should bring something - or many things, in this case - to the table. 

Write what you know only goes so far.

I have an account on what some refer to as The Black and Red site, aka Kinky Facebook. I go through periods of being super active followed by periods of great dormancy. Recently I've become active enough that if you search for kinksters under my rather large city, my name is on the first page of results. 

This means a lot of random followers and private messages. 

This series highlights some of the more egregious, laughable, and downright bananas messages to show up in my inbox. When possible - that is, when I have not blocked the person or they have not blocked me - I will include pertinent details about the other person (spoiler alert, it's not always men). I will also include CWs when I think a message is potentially triggering.
...
Him: i like your photos that have the old fashioned look to them
Me: Thank you :)
Him: very cool effect.
I did laugh a little at the one, haha. the other girls have smaller boobs and then there's your tits like BAM! haha. awesome
Him again: haha love it
Me: I really do not understand what is so funny about that. Nor do I much appreciate it.
Him: it was a compliment about your boobs. thats all. nothing bad
...
I have some older pictures that are tasteful nudes done with friends - at the time, the photographer only used black and white film. I still find them lovely and an interesting bit of my past.

​This dude was in his 20s then. Message had no subject, and either he fled the site or one of us blocked the other at this point. 

"I think she's mad at me."
"'You just fled out of here last time,' she told me."
"I thought she'd be over it by now, I don't know."
"When we were there last week, I didn't tell her we were coming...she didn't know we had been there."

I'm listening to my mother talk about her own mother. The secrecy, the uncertainty, the selective giving of information...I might as well be listening to myself. I've heard these same sentiments come out of my mouth. I sit there in a daze, mentally going into protection mode. I won't fall apart until later.

In that moment, however, my first thought fills me with dread - do I really have to put up with this for another 25 years? But my other thought is - how does she not see it? Does she not realize how perfectly our relationship mirrors theirs?

No, I don't think she does. And if I pointed it out, what good would it do? Would there be the a-ha moment? A teary apology or a happily ever after? It's difficult to imagine a positive response. The opposite is easier. I know the word to use that would be the nuclear bomb to this fragile peace, but I don't dare use it. I'm not ready to go there. I still don't want to hurt her like that.

It doesn't help that I literally hear myself in her. We have the same voice. I hear it in every conversation we have, and it's eerie.

So what good does it do to recognize these patterns? What does it accomplish? I didn't have children - I never wanted to. I was well into adulthood before I realized that one of the reasons I didn't want to be a mother was that I didn't to become her more than I already was. I couldn't do that to a child. But now, there seems to be no proof that I've broken the cycle. Is there still hope for healing?

Maybe. Because despite my lack of offspring, the cycle has ended precisely because I did not pass on those genes.

In the movie Postcards From the Edge, Gene Hackman has a fabulous speech he gives Meryl Streep after she and her mother have an argument. "Look, your mother did it to you, and her mother did it to her, and back and back and back all the way to Eve. At some point you stop it and you just say 'fuck it. I start with me.'"

And I think that's where I am. I'm at "fuck it."

I start with me.

I have an account on what some refer to as The Black and Red site, aka Kinky Facebook. I go through periods of being super active followed by periods of great dormancy. Recently I've become active enough that if you search for kinksters under my rather large city, my name is on the first page of results. 

This means a lot of random followers and private messages. 

This series highlights some of the more egregious, laughable, and downright bananas messages to show up in my inbox. When possible - that is, when I have not blocked the person or they have not blocked me - I will include pertinent details about the other person (spoiler alert, it's not always men). I will also include CWs when I think a message is potentially triggering.

Him - hey daphne im <name> age 52 single white str8 man in the <my city> area westside suburbs I am 5'11" 181 lbs..long dark hair blue eyes..can we chat? or must i get permission from your significant other?

Me: You don't need permission from anyone but I don't see that we have a whole lot in common. Also, I don't respond real well to text speak.
Him: ok ..u mean text on here or cellphones?
Me: I mean people who can't seem to write whole words or complete sentences, or use capital letters. Anywhere.
Him: I can but its tougher typing and I been typing since High school when I took typing so for like 32 yrs!

​....

And...scene. Another dude who is still around though not active. His biggest fetish - which was indicated by his scene name - is tickling until the other person pees. Not something that is mentioned anywhere in my profile because it's not a thing for me. 

And while I understand that getting permission to talk to someone is somewhat common in certain types of relationships, it is another thing that IS NOT LISTED ANYWHERE ON MY PROFILE. I have no idea why this question comes up sometimes. I'm barely submissive let alone that type of submissive. 

Sigh.